Sex Stories, Hold The Deets

Remember the good old days when you and your friends first started tagging cheeks? Not only was it awesome for you cause you had finally tricked some poor chick into actually having sex with you, it was awesome for your entire group of friends for one reason: you would share all your sex stories. You remember those days; you’d call your friend Saturday afternoon and the convo would go like this.

You: Duuuuudddeee, such a sick party last night. So glad I stole that Poland Spring bottle of Svedka from my dad, I was soooo hammered.
Friend: Dude, got an epic story to tell you about me and Lindsey last night. Let’s meet at Chili’s for some apps and I’ll tell you all about it. Plus, they don’t card there.

So you and all your friends would meet wherever, all huddle together and listen to your friends’ awesome story about banging his girlfriend. And back then, every sex story was fuckign epic. So when your boy rolled in with a shit eating grin on his face and went into a detailed 20 minute story that he banged his girlfriend standing up, you all lost your minds. “Standing up dude!?! Shit man, I gotta try that with Stacy. I don’t know if she’ll go for it.” Every sexual conquest back in the day was as if you had banged 4 porn-stars at the same time; just utterly outrageous. You could turn a 30 second sex sesh into a half-hour story. And let’s be honest; 60% of all the stories you and your buddies told were total bullshit. I think there is nothing more pathetic than someone who lies about sex, but when you’re 16 or 17, you’re going to embellish the good stuff and leave out the part about you coming in 40 seconds. But back then I wanted to hear every story I could. I needed ideas, things to try; everyone had to try and top their buddy’s story (“dude, that’s nothing. I banged Jenny reverse cowgirl, on her parents bed”) or at least all do the same thing. My friends and I all had to do the American Psycho to a chick. Yeah it sounds retarded now, and it definitely was, but when we were young and stupid, it was the top of the mountain. Sex was so awesome and new that any slight variation from the norm was newsworthy stuff.

But now I’m a few years older. I’m no expert in the realm of sex, but I’m certainly not as green as I used to be. So while I enjoy it when a buddy tells me he got laid, I don’t need to hear the details. Unless it’s some truly outrageous, porn-scene scenario where you did a stand-up 69, I’m satisfied just to know you got yours. Save the details for your horny little brother. In fact, I discourage further details when sharing sexual stories nowadays. I just end up getting the image of my friend banging some troll as he’s telling the story. And that’s the last thing I need. I can watch some porn dude I don’t know go to town on Taylor Hayes, but the thought of my slightly chubby, unkempt chest-haired friend crushing some fat drunk chick just sends chills down my spine. And not the “the Giants just won the Super Bowl” chills, more like the “fingernails on chalkboard” chills.

And although it was very rare, somewhat of a black swan event, in our younger years, there was always the allure of trying to sneak a peak of your buddy having sex. Now, that thought doesn’t even cross my mind. If I hear my roommate banging a girl, it’s more an annoyance than anything. If I happen to walk-in on it, it’s a horrible image that’s not going to leave my mind anytime soon. Unfortunately, every group of friends still has the dude that likes to start conversations with, “So, I was fucking this chick…,” then goes on to talk about how “good” it felt, and what a “slut” she was. That’s good dude, but I know sex feels good because I’m not 13. I’m pretty sure sticking your dick in any warm, wet hole would feel good. I don’t need to hear anymore about her sticking her thumb up your ass during a blowjob, but I appreciate that you think we’re close enough to tell me. Because none of your friends, regardless of what they say, are huge studs in the sack. Dude, I know you didn’t bang her for 2 hours; I was in the living room for the whole 5 minute charade.

So maybe it’s just me, but I just feel like I’m at the point where run-of-the-mill, “I banged the shit out of her” stories are a dime a dozen. Obviously I like getting laid, and I want my friends to get laid. Dudes who have no inhibitions and do anything to get pussy are the most fun to hang out with. I love those guys. I just don’t need the details. I don’t want to think of my friends having sexy anymore. I want to have my share of it, smoke a joint and pass out watching reruns of The Office. Is that so much to ask?

Enjoy the weekend

V Stands For Douche

So as I've written about before on NC there are some styles of fashion that are definitely not bro. Cargo shorts, birkenstocks, popping your collar are all styles that many perceive as bro but any true bro knows that those fashion choices are just as similar as wearing JNCO jeans and an Aeropostale shirt. Now, recently I've started to notice something, not that this fashion style is new but I see more and more dudes rocking this specific item. I'm talking about V-neck shirts. Not V-neck sweaters, but V-neck tees. These things are huge among meatheads, hipsters, guidos and douchey kids who love blow, like Scott Disick.

Personally, I don't get the V-neck tee. Does it make your chest more breathable? Was it made so your chain can be more noticeable? Regardless of it's purpose, it basically means one thing when you wear this shirt: "I'm a douche." There's just something really douchey about these things, they're like the H2's of the shirt world. I wore a V-neck once when I went to Jersey Shore party at Sutton Place about a month ago. After the party I went to other bars and I never felt like a bigger ass clown. Few girls wanted to talk to me and the ones that did had that unsure look on their faces of whether I was joking around or if I was a douchey kid who loved blow.

If there's one thing I don't want to see it's people's chest hair, unless of course it's my own, otherwise, cover up dude, you're making me lose my appetite. If there's the ultimate douche move, it's wearing a V-neck tee with your sunglasses being held right at the crest of the V. Such a toolbag move. So to anyone who thinks that V-neck tees are cool, get your act together and stop thinking your white, 3-series BMW is an M3.

Song of the Day

Tebow Takes A Wonderlicking

Since I assume everyone who reads NC also watches ESPN, minus the ladies (all 7 of you) I know you've seen how ESPN has been talking about the potential NFL QBs wonderlic scores. A few years ago they made a huge deal about Vince Young's wonderlic score because he did so poorly on it. Now, everyone says that these tests don't matter, which I think everyone agrees with, but if that's the case, why the hell does ESPN feel the need to cover this? Vince Young got ripped apart after his score came out. It was debated and talked about for an entire week on all of those ESPN shows. Well Vince Young proved to everyone that the wonderlic test was pointless by winning the Rookie Of The Year.

Now, Tim Tebow (22) did the worst out of Jimmy Clausen (24), Colt McCoy (25), and Sam Bradford (36). The test is out of 50 if you didn't know, and you have 12 minutes to complete it. I have to admit, I was pretty surprised that Tebow scored the lowest on this test. I figured he would've crushed the test since he has nothing really distracting him since he doesn't drink or bang chicks, but I guess he was too busy loving Jesus.

Look, I know a lot of people despise Tebow, like Spaniard, but I personally don't mind him. I figured since he was one of the best, if not the best college football player I'd ever seen, I mine as well appreciate what he did on the field, and not really care about what he did off the field. Regardless of your thoughts on Tebow, you have to be surprised, like I am, that he did poorly on the wonderlic. I think I know why he did so poorly though. A buddy of mine was texting me today about this very topic and he made a great point on why Tebow did so bad. He said that a sample question on the test would be "If there were 5 boys and 4 girls at a party and 3 get kissed, how many didn't get kissed?" Tebow's answer would've been "Who cares, they're all going hell!" This answer though is probably far better than any of Vince Young's. I assume one of his answers to a simple question like "Your car gets 25 miles to the gallon and you put 10 gallons in your car. How far can you go?" would have been "hot dog." Also, if you want to see how you match up with all of these guys scores, here's a sample Wonderlic test. Enjoy.

Baked Haim

First off, sorry we've been lacking in the post department this week, sometimes you just have those off weeks, so were sorry but deal with it. Also, the majority of our readers are currently on spring break. I always hate the people on spring break, not because I'm envious that there in some great location soaking up rays while I'm stuck back in NY in 50 degree, cloudy weather, but because of all their gay stories they have when they come back. I've already written my thoughts on spring break in a post last year but things haven't changed. People go on spring break, they come back and then feel the need to let the world of Facebook know that their spring break was better than anyone else's spring break and that the bartender at (insert cheesy bar) at (somewhat nice resort) was the funniest guy ever who loved them more than anyone ever could. Ok enough about spring break, it's time to tackle a rather somber issue, the death of 80s star Corey Haim.

Most people my age recognize Corey Haim as "the guy whose in those movies from the 80s." You see, we know he was in movies, but we can't remember their names. For the most part, when we can remember the names of his movies it's flicks like The Lost Boys, or Lucas. Pretty much as the 90s came, Corey disappeared into a world of drugs, booze and I'm sure STDs. He was a victim of the teen heartthrob stardom who got used up quick and than pushed out of the way because that's what happens when your a mediocre actor who gets uglier with age. Corey Haim's name will always be synonymous with Corey Feldman. Feldman pretty much went the same route as Haim in terms of living it up in the 80s and then falling off the face off the earth into a land of substance abuse.

A few years ago Feldman and Haim starred in a terrible reality show called The Two Coreys. I never watched the show as I'm sure no one else did either. I can't imagine what an episode of that show as like "Hey bro, remember when we were relevant?" "Dude, we still are, also, I think I shit my pants?" Now it'd be easy to say that both of these Corey's were train wrecks but apparently Feldman cleaned his act up, got married and I guess became a manager at a Dairy Queen? Not really sure what he's doing now. Anyway, authorities are unsure of how Haim died, all they know is that he felt weak and fell to his knees which made his mother call an ambulance. My guess is that drugs were somehow involved. Last night however, Haim's clearly grieve stricken friend Feldman appeared on Larry King last night. Yeah, if my good friend died, I don't think I'd be in the mood to talk to Larry King...on the day that my friend died. Feldman had some surprising insight though by saying that Haim "might not have overdosed." Yeah, that's a BIG might. I'm sorry to the Haim family for their loss and to all the girls out there who grew up with crushes on Haim and are sad that their childhood heartthrob is now gone. I'm sure Haim is in a better place, where the movie Lucas is a reality, and instead of not getting the girl in the end of the movie, he gets her, and still gets the awesome slow clap.

Song of the Day

Great Scott! What the hell happened to you?

Without giving it too much thought, think of 5 movies you really loved growing up and still enjoy; one of those flicks that people of all ages can enjoy. Chances are you just thought of a movie in which Christopher Lloyd had a role. Yes Christopher Lloyd, aka Doctor Emmett Brown. You all remember him; he burst on the scene in the mid 80’s to dominate family movies for almost a decade, only to vanish off the face of the Earth. He found a unique niche entertaining the masses as a string of characters that were half endearing and half creepy. Starting with my personal favorite movie of all-time, Back to the Future in 1985, Lloyd went on a streak of home-run movies like Back to the Future II and III, Clue, Eight Men Out, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Suburban Commando, Addams Family and Addams Family Values, Angels in the Outfield, Camp Nowhere and Dennis the Menace. That’s a pretty serious list of movies I just rattled off right there, all of which Lloyd had a significant role in.

If you’ve seen one of those, you’ve probably seen them all. Sure you can question the quality of films like Suburban Commando and Camp Nowhere, but when I was 8 I wasn’t focused on character development or plot twists, I was too busy laughing at the weird looking old guy who made strange voices and played Doc Brown. And Christopher Lloyd always delivered. Whether it was physical humor or creepy old-guy behavior, no one did it better than Christopher Lloyd. But like all shooting-stars, Lloyd streaked across our sky only to be gone before we could thoroughly appreciate him. He simply burned too bright. That’s a Hall of Fame streak of movies right there, and I would be hard pressed to find an actor whose face and characters register with more people my age than Lloyd. Doc Brown and Uncle Fester are classic characters we all know; and the end scene in Who Framed Roger Rabbit scared the shit out of every kid that watched it. It’s ok to admit it, I can.

So my question is, what the hell happened to you Christopher Lloyd? I’m pretty sure you were in every movie I saw from age 5-10, how did you just all of a sudden disappear from the film industry? Did you piss someone off? Did you take an extended leave of absence? Did an entire generation of young fans simply move on? You fall in that actors’ purgatory between one hit wonder and full blown star. You’re like a real life Alf; your stay at the top ended faster than it began. It’s just a little depressing that someone who played such a large part in my formative years is basically a non-factor nowadays. It would be like if Pearl Jam disappeared after Ten or if Don Mattingly was still playing minor league baseball somewhere, just trying to pay the bills. Seriously though, what the hell happened?

But I guess there are only so many crazy old professor type roles to be played, and as father time caught up with Chris, he started to lose his grasp on that typecast. According to his IMDB page, it looks like Lloyd has still had steady work as small guest parts in television shows and straight to video movies, including a large role on the Pamela Anderson show “Stacked” which lasted all of 20 episodes. That’s too bad; you would think Pamela Anderson’s tits and Christopher Lloyd’s character actor skills would be an unbeatable combo. But I guess cause it was on FOX, Pam had to keep her clothes on. And no one wants to see Pam JUST act.

It also looks like Lloyd has returned to the stage, doing some theatre work. Yeah, I suppose doing theatre is “getting back to your acting roots” and really emphasizes the art of being a thespian, but people only do theatre when they can’t get movie work anymore, regardless of how they try to defend it. There’s a reason movie stars own villas in St. Bart’s and Broadway actors wait tables in their spare time But despite his return to the stage, Lloyd managed to resurface in a Funny or Die web-video:

Gobstopper Trailer from Gobstopper Movie

I’m honestly shocked that Lloyd even knows what the internet is, but I’m glad to see he can still captivate an audience playing an ambiguously creepy dude. But anyway, here’s to hoping you make a comeback Mr. Lloyd; character actors are sorely lacking nowadays. Maybe I watched too many movies as a kid, maybe I’m too obsessed with the Back to the Future trilogy, or maybe my parents didn’t hug me enough; I’m not sure where you fit into my subconscious Christopher Lloyd. All I know is that I miss you. We all do.

Lindsay Lohan is a Milkaholic

So for all the sports fans out there you should know that last night a huge accomplishment happened when the UCONN women's hoops team won their 71st straight game. I'd like to take the time to write a post on this great achievement. No I'm just kidding, who gives a shit. Do any of you care about this win streak? I know I don't. So let's get down to what this post is really about, Lindsay Lohan. So if you haven't heard, apparently the actress and more notably, infamous party girl, is suing E*Trade over one of their baby ads. Yeah, that's right, she's suing the company for $100 million because she claims that the ad that they ran during the Super Bowl which features the "milkaholic" baby is based off of her.

Really Lindsay? How high are you? In no way did I or anyone ever think that the baby in this ad was somehow based or somehow related to you. First off, it's a fucking baby. Second off, it's a FUCKING BABY! I don't understand this at all. It'd be one thing if this baby had red hair, crashed a car and was making out with a chick who was a DJ in this commercial, but she wasn't. The only thing this baby did was ask what a "milkaholic" was. The article that the first hyperlink goes to claims that using the name Lindsay is just the same as using names like Oprah, or Madonna. Yeah, this is just flat out retarded. Lindsay Lohan clearly needs a reality check. One of the most common girl names in America doesn't somehow pertain to her. It is great though that Lindsay sees herself in a baby girl that is a home wrecker and has some sort of addiction problem. I really hope this case gets thrown out, or is a made up internet rumor because it is just too ridiculous. I'm gonna sue the show Parks & Recreations because the character Tom in it gives me a bad rep. Yeah that's the equivalent to what Lohan is doing.

Suck on this Kobe

I probably should've saved this for the start of the NBA Playoffs, but I just couldn't wait. I guess it's ok cause March Madness starts in a week. This is absolutely hilarious, I can't stop laughing.

Song of the Day