One is the Drunkiest Number

This week’s delayed/early DOTW award was over on last Wednesday. It wasn’t even close. We’ve been waiting for someone to step up their game in terms of dudeness, and it came from an unexpected source. If there’s one group in the sports world that all dudes can agree suck ass, its kickers and punters in the NFL. I have more respect for the guy who sells ice cream in the little helmets at Yankee stadium. Miss a 40 yard field goal or shank a punt and you have an entire fan base wishing you had AIDS. Hit a 55 yarder or pin the other team on the one and you “did your fucking job.” It’s a lose-lose situation. But I don’t feel bad for them because, again, I have no respect for them.
(*side note: Jeff Feagles is the exception to this rule. Jeff Feagles wasn’t a punter; he was a football legend)

As I’m sure all bored at work/class, hung-over or lazy bros have already read this, high fived their buddies, and forwarded it to everyone they know, but for those who don’t have time to surf the web all day, Indianapolis Colts Punter Pat McAfee was arrested for public intoxication at 5 a.m. Wednesday morning after he was found wet, drunk and shirtless in a downtown canal.

Apparently when police arrived they found a shirtless and soaking wet McAfee, who said he was not sure if he had been in a nearby canal and said it had been raining. According to media reports and general self awareness, there was no rain in Indianapolis last night. The second year player from party school West Virginia blew a 0.15, leaving him in second place behind Braylon Edwards’ 0.16 for the title of Drunkest NFL Player Arrested this Season.

Pat McAfee, you are a bro. I mean, check out his roster picture from West Virginia. He’s got the flow, the beard stubble and the “I’ve got rolling papers if you’ve got weed” look on his face. Look, there are certain stereotypes of drunken bros that we all know. And as the old saying goes, the reason there are stereotypes is because, for the most part, they’re true. And true to form, Pat McAfee managed to do two mainstays of the drunken bro. He was both shirtless and wet. For whatever reason (vanity, brashness, brooding, confusion, etc.) dudes love taking their shirts off when they’re drunk. It’s hard to argue though; it’s a solid and liberating move (unless you’re fat. That’s just gross. But most of the time fat dudes are too self-conscious the do it anyway. Like the guys at the beach who swim in a t-shirt.). This usually results in getting thrown out of the bar and not getting laid. And while it seems counter intuitive, getting the boot from the bar and making a conscious decision to remove all chances of getting a chick to come home with you are two totally bro moves. Cause the following morning, you and all your buds can come together and talk about what a “douchebag the bouncer was” and how there are “no chicks at that bar” and make it all seem cool. And although the wet factor is usually due to beers being dumped all over ourselves, I think McAfee can get a pass on it being water. He was going all Matthew Perry on that canal.

The Colts suspended McAfee one game for his public intoxication/bro-ness. Fortunately, they have a bye week this weekend which means Pat will have plenty of time to drink his sorrows away while the Colts find a temporary replacement and Peyton Manning gives him dirty looks in the locker room and refers to him as “our Dumbass Punter.” But I think Pat will be ok. This is a dude who got DEATH THREATS following a loss to Pitt in 2007 where he missed 2 field goals. (Pat punted AND kicked in college. That’s a pretty quick way to get a lot of people to hate you). And when you get death threats from a fan base that burns couches and vandalizes cars after games, you should probably take them seriously. But I guess the good news is that at least McAfee wasn’t driving like Braylon. But if he had been, it definitely would’ve been in a yellow wrangler, Widespread Panic blasting on the radio.

Sorry for the cold cup of coffee

Great Scott!

A heads up for all you Back to the Future fans out there. The cast will be reuniting tomorrow on the Today Show in honor of the 25th anniversary of the hit film. Judging by this video clip, Huey Lewis is excited/stoned/has no idea where he is. Man I love Huey. And we will finally get the answer to the age old question, 'where the fuck is Christopher Lloyd?'

The real question though, is which Jennifer Parker shows up? The original, Claudia Wells? Or the second version, the much more well known Elizabeth Shue? Either way I’m good, cause both are sexy. In fact, I hope both show up so we can contrast and compare. Who looks better now (aka which one will the Fox take down after the show)? I’ve got to lean towards Shue on the who looks better front. Although she’s pretty much been M.I.A. recently, more years in the spotlight and more fame means more pressure to look good. Wells certainly had it 25 years ago, but managing a men’s clothing store doesn’t necessarily translate into aging well. I guess it remains to be seen. But I guess we could put it to a vote as well.

Old Timers Day

(Another Friday post that was delayed until Monday. Seems to be the theme lately)

Couple of wiley old vets in the weekly awards section today. Unfortunately, each dude is shown in entirely different lights, and moving in opposite directions on the public opinion meter.

DOTW

Remember that massive financial crisis like 2 years ago? But even with the smartest dudes in finance, the Fed, and the economics world on the job, that shit happened and it’s still going on. So when you can’t turn to the MBAs, the CEOs, CFOs etc., there arereally only two other options. Arnold Schwarzenegger is one, but his foray into politics/economics has been a disaster. Despite his awesome roles in legendary action flicks, apparently the guy can’t do everything. So who does that leave? A man who’s aliases include B.A. Baracus and Clubber Lang. Mr. T appears to be the key out of this financial mess. Bloomberg TV was the first one on this, and featured him in a segment the other day discussing his “investment” in gold.



Carl Icahn, George Soros, Michael Paulson. Mr. T. Why not right? Bloomberg TV, are you fucking serious? His “investment” in gold? Dude had big muscles, a few catch phrases and a Mohawk, got rich quick and bought as much bling as he could. Do you really think he was considering the long term rise of gold when he was doing that? Of course not, dude was trying to look sharp, beat up white dudes and get pussy. We’re throwing investment around pretty loosely here.

But regardless of his initial intentions, the fact that Mr. T not only “struck gold” with his fashion statement 25 years ago, but he has once again managed to make himself relevant, this time within the financial world. So here’s to you Mr. T, Dude of the Week. Gold and commodity traders all over the place have to be sick to their stomachs. This is worse than the Situation and DJ Pauly D ringing the opening bell of the NYSE.


DUD

This guys been around for a while too, but has managed to keep himself continuously relevant, to the point of being annoying. That’s right, everyone’s favorite senior citizen QB Brett Favre. As we all know now, Brett got in a little bit of trouble for some alleged extra-marital activities. He apparently sent lewd texts and pictures of his dick to former Jets sideline reporter/hottie/bimbo Jenn Sterger. You might remember her from her sexy pictures in the stands during games at Florida State, where she was their #1 Fan/un-official cheerleader/cum-dumpster.

Before I get to Brett, lets talk about Sterger. I know she hasn’t really said anything, so I’m not going to call her a gold digger. This is a report out of Deadspin.com (which, I might add, is a little to close in name to Meatspin.com for my liking) so it’s not a situation where she cried wolf, and its not exactly the New York Times. But this is a broad who has made a career out of wearing skimpy outfits and being a slut. She now hosts a college football show on Vs. Does she look like she has any idea whats actually going on in a football game? Not to me she doesn’t. It looks like her favorite parts of football are the tight pants, black dudes and huge NFL contracts. Seriously, think about the girls you know who go by Jenn with 2 n’s; I bet they all love sucking dick. So I’m not shocked someone on the team sent her some dicks pics; we’ve seen this a million times. What’s weird is that she saved them. It’s an ace up the sleeve to fuck Favre which I hate in theory, but kind of like that something this bad about Favre was out there all this time. But I digress.

Brett, Brett, Brett. Haven’t we all learned anything from Greg Oden, Grady Sizemore and Martellus Bennett? I know you sent these two years ago, but once again dude, use your fucking head. Everything that is sent from your phone, email, twitter, IPad, whatever it my be now is going to be out there forever. I don’t know why these jackbags can’t figure this out. Before you send pictures of your dick to the slut that works for your team say to yourself, “Wait a minute; I’m a sports legend, hero to millions, husband to a beautiful wife who SURVIVED CANCER, father of two girls, Wrangler jeans pitchman and Hall of Famer. I have all that to lose, and access to one sluts goodies to gain if I do this. Doesn’t seem worth the it.” And really Brett, the excerpts in the NY Post make you seem borderline retarded.

"I saw you in tunnel last week got your name from front office person I'm new to team with gray hair all info I can give don't want to give much this was only to try and reach you without being obvious," was apparently written on MySpace. You put that on MySpace Brett? How is that subtle at all? You were the most famous gray haired new guy in the history of the Jets, and you think that’s not being obvious? I’m surprised it didn’t say, “I wear a number between 3 and 5.” And who the fuck uses MySpace anymore?

I guess he should’ve gotten in touch with Mr. T about risk management; maybe hedge his bet buy buying his wife a $4 million ring, Kobe style. And as much as I hate to give Barstoolsports.com credit, you've got to love this shirt.

The Great Equalizer

As a site devoted to the art of bro-ness (despite out recent lack of posts), we feel to improve our capabilities as purveyors of the lifestyle, we have to do plenty of research. And by research, we mean hanging out with the bros. And by my count, hanging with the bros usually entails a trip to a bar, watering hole or other place that sells beer.

Every group of friends has that one dude who never has cash on him. You don’t hold it against him, it’s just his thing. You are fully prepared for it when you hang out with him. So when you split a cab or grab a bite, you spot him a few sheckles, no big deal. Maybe he’s lazy; maybe he’s poor; most likely he’s just an idiot because you let it slide. And why do we constantly let this slide? Because this bro, and all bros, are armed with the one great line that allows this behavior to go on.

“Dude, I’ll buy you a beer.”

(Also acceptable, “Dude, I got your first beer,” or “Bro, I got the next one.”) Buying a beer is the great equalizer; it doesn’t matter what the original transaction was, you know at some point you’re going to end up at a bar. The dude didn’t have $4 for the cab? He’ll buy you a beer. Was short a few for the pizza delivery guy? The next Bud Light is on him. You spot him for a lap-dance at the strip club? Utah, make it two. We’ve all used this; it’s not just reserved for the guy who never has cash. It’s a simple, yet effective system that even goes beyond actual monetary debt. You’re not gonna expect your bro to actually pay you for helping him move a couch are you? Of course not; he’ll just buy you a few cold ones. And the “I got your next beer” rule has the power to supersede other bro-laws. For instance, if you lose a bet, you gotta pay up. This is a man-law written in stone since the beginning of time. So what if you took the Steelers -1.5 and lost $20 bucks to your buddy but you can't pay up right now? Get him a beer or two, and you’re even. And you don’t even have to be friends for the beer currency rule to be in effect, it’s just something a dude should know. Any good bro knows that the only way to smooth over one of those drunkenly stumble into some guy and spill a drink all over him moments at the bar is to buy the dude a beer. Sure the dry cleaning bill on his Ed Hardy shirt is more than the brew costs, but he’ll appreciate the gesture and you’ll both avoid looking like retards fighting in the corner. Beer is the currency of the bro lifestyle, and no matter how much one dude owes the other, “I’ll buy you a beer,” makes it a clean slate.

But apparently it’s also against bro-etiquette to question the buying of a beer as the great equalizer. All bros recognize this, so it rarely becomes an issue. So occasionally, this dude will abuse the entire system. Like when you buy him a Yankee ticket, expecting he’ll pay you back when you meet up before the game. “Thanks dude, I’ll get you a beer at the stadium.” Yeah, I know Yankee stadium beers are an outrageous $10, but that doesn’t really cover the $90 I threw down for these seats. Make it a beer and a shot and we’re even. Simply put, you can’t go against the rule. As long as the dude buys you a beer, all is forgotten. Because for every time you get the raw end of the deal, you know there will be one soon where you come out the winner. And over time (in some cases many, many years) these things will even out. And if they don’t, I wouldn’t worry. I’ll get your next beer.

Dude of the Week

Sure, we’re a little biased here at NC, we love the New York Yankees. And part of the reason I’ve been slacking so much on posts is because I’ve been reluctant to continue hammering my completely New York objective sports opinions on all you poor readers. Really, why should you care about my thoughts on the Giants offensive line, Brett Gardner or my gambling picks? But in light of last night’s Yankee win, I have to give the DOTW nod to a man who has never quite gotten his due. That man is Andy Pettitte.

Yankee fans know what a stud this dude is, but we even take him for granted some times. Last night was Pettitte’s Major League record 41st playoff start and 19th win, and the dude was dominant last night. He’s 38 years old. That’s not just baseball old, that’s old-old. But he’s the best playoff pitcher of all-time. If you had to win one playoff game tomorrow, and you could pick any pitcher from the last 10 years in their prime to start it, how could you not pick Andy Pettitte? All the jibber-jabber was about how he missed 2 months with a groin injury and looked rusty in his September starts. How would Andy handle it? After 40 playoff starts, I think he know’s how to handle it. (Keep in mind that game 6 of the 2001 World Series never happened in my mind. If you ask me there was a strike that season. That’s not biased at all right?) Our man C.C. Sabathia, who’s pretty fucking good himself, said it best.

"I don't see what you guys are saying about uncertainty," Sabathia said with some out-of-character gusto when asked about the Yankees' rotation. "Andy Pettitte is the best pitcher in the playoffs in the history of baseball."

I know cynics will say Pettitte admitted to using performance enhancing drugs, but let’s face facts. Andy is the only athlete in the world who gets a free pass for that. As much as everyone wants to hate the Yankees and their “Evil Empire,” Andy seems to escape clean. It’s totally bizarre. Every other baseball player who was caught taking steroids has been crucified. But most people don’t even remember Andy admitted to it. But that’s just it; he admitted to it right away. And America loves people who come clean, pay their due and emerge a changed man. Friend of the Circle, Juan, has a interesting theory on the sympathy of American sports fans, and cites the most infamous event in its history as his theory. Juan thinks if O.J. had just come out and said “Hey, look; I murdered my wife. I was pissed, she was fooling around with some dude, I lost control for a sec,” he’d be out of jail by now, raking in $2 million a year in self-help book sales and appearances on celeb-reality shows. Guys all over the planet would be saying, “I mean, I don’t condone murder, but if my ex-wife was taking my money and fucking some guy I’d want to kill her. I wouldn’t do it but I sort-of understand the impulse.” Yeah, it’s fucked up, but it’s also America. As long as you come clean, show remorse and pitch a few kitchen products, you’re good to go.

And Andy is constantly overshadowed by his contemporaries, who happen to be some of the best of all-time. Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, Greg Maddox, Roy Halladay, Roger Clemens, those guys all have more name recognition than Andy Pettitte. But none of them have 5-Rings. And if I asked you who has more career wins, Pedro or Pettite, you’d think Pedro right? Wrong. Andy leads him 240-219, and they way things are going I don’t think Pedro is catching him. Whitey Ford is probably the quintessential Yankee pitcher, a Hall of Famer. He has 236 wins. Aside from sporting a 12-inch softee, Pettitte is a Hall of Famer, I don’t fucking care what you think.

"I have never felt so unprepared going into the playoffs," Pettitte said. "But it was just so similar."

Yup.

So here’s to you Andy Pettitte, Dude of the Week. I’ll be at the game Saturday, crushing $10 beers and waving a broom like a retarded janitor.

Video Game News

As I’ve said before, I’m not much of a video game guy. I’ve got two systems in my apartment; PS2 for Rock Band and a Super Nintendo. They’re both covered in dust. I’ll play the occasional classics, some Madden here and there, or get stoned and Rock Band it out, but really I’ve got better things to do. But this news is pretty cool. Michael Jordan appearing in a US video game for the first time ever in NBA 2k11. Kind of nuts when you think about it too; that he was never in any of those games. Why now? “It gave me an opportunity to be exposed to a generation that I'm probably more recognizable in terms of the 'Space Jam' as opposed to me playing." I see where you’re coming from Mike, but most people try to forget you ever made that movie. You know it’s bad when it’s higher up on the “mistakes” list than retiring in your prime to play baseball. I don’t think you have to worry about your acting “career” overshadowing your basketball accomplishments. You were out-acted by Larry Bird in that movie. And that was only his second best performance, behind Blue Chips of course.

Pretty cool idea about matching his best performances, but there’s one problem. Do you know anyone who really loves NBA video games? I mean, NBA Jam was awesome, but does anyone ever call their buddy and say, “Yo dude, wanna come over, drink some beers and play some NBA Live before we head out?” No. The 20-something-dudes-drinking-while-playing-video-games market is dominated by Madden and now NHL. NHL’s success in this department is nuts. You don’t need to like hockey or even know the rule, teams or players to enjoy that game. I know black dudes who love it. But this Jordan addition could change things though. We’ll see.

Enjoy the weekend. Go Yankees.

Song of the Day

Yeah....Our Bad

Whoa, so apparently Tom and I totally forgot we had a blog. Luckily no one read this thing anyway, but for the 3 or 4 people who accidentally stumbled upon it looking for fetish porn, we apologize. Look, I know as much as the next guy that there are certain sites you crush when you need to pass some time. And when those sites don't deliver, it makes your day of work/school/hanging out with your girlfriend that much worse. Hopefully we are that website for a few of you. For that we're grateful. You should reevaluate your lives, but were grateful.

I know we've done this a few times, but in all honesty we both have real jobs, busy lives and obligations to other things. Weird right? But we're truly sorry, once again, and we'd like to offer an official apology from the entire NC team.

So why not try to apologize with a blatantly lazy post? Sounds like our m.o. So here are the top 5 Lame Excuses for Why we Haven't Posted in Damn Near 2 Weeks.

5) My Dog Ate My Laptop: Does that still work? I guess it never did.

4) Having a blog gets us so much tail that we've been busy too busy absolutely slaying chicks and doing blow, living like rock stars. Yeah, I guess that's not true at all. Having a website only gets you pussy if its Facebook or Google.

3) Tom has AIDS

2) I was so devastated that, despite the fact I didn't go to Duke and my sexual prowess is mediocre at best, I didn't make this broad's list.

1) The Giants season being over in week 3 completely derailed my will to live. I haven't ate, I haven't slept, I've lost 15 pounds. Seriously, is this pathetic on my behalf? One bad loss to the Titans and I find myself drinking heavily night after night and struggling to get out of bed in the morning? I watched the game on a JetBLue flight coming back from a bachelor party on Sunday. Do you know what its like to watch something you love slowly die on an airplane? The poor people sitting next to me must've thought I was an ax murderer/child molester. What the hell is going on? Personal foul penalties and bonehead plays left and right. It's like we have a team full of Braylon Edwardses. And can we talk about that for a second? I guess we shouldn't be surprised this retard got a DWI cause his windows were overly tinted. This is a dude who is on probation for punching a member of LeBron James' entourage. Flash back a year, before the whole Decision thing. What's the dumbest thing an athlete in Cleveland could've done? Punch a member of LeBron James' entourage has to be in the Top 5 right? Braylon, you are retarded. You did the fucking dougie after a touchdown. Get lost.

Anyway, only one of those is true. Guess which?

And to try and butter you guys up, here is a site someone showed me today that should be right up all our alleys.

Crying, While Eating

Hoaxes and Urban Legends

So as we’ve all found out, Joaquin Phoenix apparently hasn’t completely lost his mind. The elaborate beard, rap career, complete drug induced delusional behavior has apparently been a hoax this entire time to generate some hype for his mockumentary, I’m Still Here. Touche Mr. Phoenix; you had us going. Boy is my face red. How throwing away two years at the peak of your fame is a good career move is beyond me, but I guess it worked cause everyone is talking about it. Nobody’s going to go see the movie, but people are still talking about it. Some folks have gone as far as to call it a “great performance.” Not sure I can totally agree. I’m no Oscar nominated actor but I’m pretty sure I could completely abandon all hygiene and cares and act like an intoxicated fool no problem. In fact, I do that most of the time anyway. So where’s my “bravo?” When I sit on my couch, stoned, unshowered and incoherent, people call me a waste of life. When Joaquin Phoenix does it he’s the next Marlon Brando. Just seems like a double standard. Only problem is I don’t have millions in the bank. Joaquin will be on David Letterman tomorrow night (Wednesday) making his first return since his now infamous, bizarre appearance awhile back.

Personally I’m a little disappointed. It's always a relief to see someone besides me hit rock bottom. It was nice to be able to point to a successful, talented, wealthy Hollywood actor and say, “at least I’m doing better than him.” I don’t even have that anymore. Really the only thing interrupting me from sitting in front of the TV in sweatpants eating raw cookie dough is the fact that I need to work just to buy said sweatpants and dough.

But Joaquin’s hoax made me think of some of the more famous blatantly untrue rumors/urban myths of the past few years. Nothing quite like trying to figure out if a retarded rumor is true or not. So here we go. My (Personal) Top 5 Rumors and Urban Legends of All-Time.


5) John Clayton’s Ponytail

If you’re a football fan, you know who John Clayton is. The dorky, fragile, undeniably ugly senior NFL writer as ESPN has been rumored to wear a ponytail for years now. The ponytail was allegedly the reason he never appeared in studio (always via feed) and never turned his head. Not that significant of a rumor, but hilarious in it’s context. I mean, look at that guy; he probably has a hard enough time getting laid as it is. Why on earth would he rock a ponytail? It’s just gross. And if he did, why would he go through so much trouble to hide it? But this is the beauty of rumors; the more odd and stupidly irrelevant they are, the more traction they get. So it’s a good starting point for the rest of our list. Oh, and it unfortunately is completely false.

4) John Basedow died in the tsunami

This is the blueprint for making up a celebrity rumor. It should be someone who is technically only a borderline celeb, and combine it with something so outrageous, you have to think to yourself, “you can’t make that shit up.” Basedow, the creepy dude from Fitness Made Simple commercials, dying in a tsunami 4,000 miles away? I mean, you can’t make that shit up. Well actually, someone did. And we all go a good laugh out of it. Well, all of us except John Basedow.

3) Paul from the Wonder Years is Marilyn Manson

This may be before a lot of our readers times, but The Wonder Years was a fucking awesome show. Paul Pfeiffer, played by Josh Saviano, was the lovable tall, skinny dork. It’s not outrageous to believe that Marilyn Manson, a creepy, tall, skinny dork, was cut from the same mold. The best part about this rumor is that obviously Marilyn Manson wasn’t going to debunk it. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about his public image. By poor Josh Saviano probably has to defend his name against being confused with a cross-dressing weirdo 25 times a day. He claims to be flattered and not care, but Saviano went to Yale for fuck sake. He’s an associate at a law firm; how can it possibly be good for his career to be confused with someone who was arrested for indecent exposure? “Yo dude, did you hear that Paul from the Wonder Years is Marilyn Manson?” “Yeah, I did hear that. But I am Paul from the Wonder Years. Fuck you and fuck my life.”

2) Wade Boggs Crushed 64 Beers on a cross-country flight

This is a heavily debated myth of bro-tastic proportions. We’ve discussed this Hall of Fame crush before. Wade Boggs, baseball and facial hair legend, allegedly drank 64 Miller Lites on a cross country flight. The myth continues to stay relevant because there are so many unknowns (the cities he was flying to and from, the amount of beer etc.) But regardless of its truthfulness, any guy who has a well traveled legend bout him drinking between 30 and 70 brewskies deserves to be high on the list.

1) Bill Murray in Union Square

I’m sure a few of you have heard this one. Whether or not it’s true, it’s fucking hilarious. If you can picture Bill Murray saying to you “no one will ever believe you,” and not laugh your ass off you’re probably a piece of shit. This myth works so well because, although none of us know Bill Murray, this doesn’t seem so outrageous coming from him. Most people would get arrested for something this bizarre, but we hold Bill in high regard for something like this. I mean, this is Carl Spackler; Peter Venkman; Phil Connors. And that’s what makes it the best myth ever. In fact, sometimes I cruise around Union Square late at night, hoping Bill Murray will strike again. But usually I just end up getting begged for change by a hobo.

I Make the Yankee Hat more Famous than…Armed Robbery Can?

As much as I like a fresh fitted, it does have certain negative connotations. I mean, you wouldn’t wear one to go meet your girlfriend’s parents for the first time or to a job interview. As sick as they are, it’s just not really a refined look. And it’s not a racial thing at all either. At this point, I bet the ratio of white kids to black dudes who wear fitteds is close to 1:1.

But a recent New York Times article seems to think that wearing a Yankees fitted in New York City has a direct correlation to crime. Apparently, dozens of men and women who have committed crimes in New York have done so in Yankees hats. The article cites three recent examples of crimes perpetrated by dudes wearing them, and according the The New York Police Department, since 2000 there have been more than 100 examples of suspects in serious crimes wearing Yankee hats during the crime or arrest. 100 examples in 10 years? I’m no criminologist, but according to this chart there have been 894,784 violent crimes in NYC since 2000 (or 89,478 per year). 100 over than time span is 0.01% of crimes. The Mets on the other hand only had 12 incidents over that period. But for one, most Mets fans are pussies; and two, is 88 crimes over a decade that significant of a difference? If I really did my homework I’m sure I could find 100 dudes who wore womens’ underwear during their crimes over the last 10 years. The superintendent in my building rocks a Yankee hat; he’s a hunched over old Spanish dude. He can barely walk; he’s not robbing anyone. And that’s a “curious phenomenon?” I thought this was the New York Times not a middle school newspaper.

They even go as far as to connect the whole thing to the Jay-Z effect. Again, they seem to have the correlation reversed. They quote Empire State of Mind that Jay-Z says “I make the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can,” and how Jay-Z “wears it and makes it look cool, almost like the Yankees have acquired a kind of street rep, a coolness.” Well, yeah, they have. I think New York ranks pretty high on the street cred scale. And I’m pretty sure Jay-Z says “yeah I got on flip-flops, white Louis boat shoes” in another song. Don’t see any felons wearing those.

And then there’s Chuck Frantz, President of the 430 member Lehigh Valley (PA) Yankees Fan Club. “It’s a shame, it makes us Yankees fans look like criminals.” No it doesn’t Chuck, it makes those dumbass criminals look like Yankees fans. And you live in Lehigh Valley, aren’t you supposed to be a Phillies fan asshole? Let me guess? Cowboys and Lakers too?

Look at the police sketch up top. Ok, so the guy was wearing a Yankee hat, just like 0.01% of all NYC crimes. But does that really need the Yankee logo in it? Is that a vital part of locating the criminal? Maybe I’m being naïve here, but having “wears Yankee hat” on the description of a criminal in New York doesn’t really narrow it down much. It didn’t say Ray-Ban on the Unabomber’s shades did it?

It’s not a gang connection. These aren’t LA Raiders snap-backs or Cincinnati Reds hats. It’s a New York issue; most of these dudes probably can’t name 3 players on the Yankees as it is. The Yankees own a 25.13% market share of all MLB merchandise sold nationwide. There’s no screening process on MLBstore.com that says, “Are you going to commit a crime in this,” so let’s not act shocked here. And New York represents an attitude and a pride in the city, not necessarily affection for the Yankees alone. Why don’t crack heads in Baltimore all wear Orioles hats when they rob dudes? Because the only people that are proud to be from Baltimore are the white private school kids who live in “well, technically Pikesville but I say Baltimore.” Look, I understand that Yankees gear is worn by more New York criminals than any other sports team. But it is in NEW YORK. If 100 crimes in New York City over the last 10 fucking years were committed by dudes in Yankees lids, that not an epidemic, that’s a fucking coincidence.

So I’m giving the whole New York Times a big fat Dud of the Week for the bullshit article. Oh, and these bullshit commercials. Now look what you did New York Times; got me all fired up.

Picks

Chiefs +1.5 @ Browns

Even though they beat San Diego on Monday night, I’m not drinking the Chiefs cool-aid. Couple of big plays pulled that one out. This bet is really contingent on me thinking the Browns are the worst team in the NFL. They beat the Bucs in every stat category last weekend and still figured out a way to lose. And across the board the Chiefs are better than the Bucs.

Packers -13 vs. Buffalo

Big spread, but I’m sticking by my guns and riding my early season Clydesdale the Packers. Sure they started slow and ended slow against the Eagles, but this is the Bills; a team that’s not the worst in the league only because of Jake Delhomme. That’s pretty bad. Although, this song almost made me pick them.

Ravens -2 @ Bengals

Ravens defense looked stout against the Jets. If the Jets couldn’t get the running game going, how are the Bengals (a supposed “new” running team that rushed for 87 yards last week) going to? And Ray Rice has to get going this week. A cat from the 914 never has two down weeks in a row (unless you’re me, going on 2 years). And I know its cliché to hate him, but I really hope Ray Lewis Dustin Keller’s T.O.

Texans -3 @ Redskins

Why is everyone jumping on the Redskins bandwagon? Brian Orakpo is sick, but the Cowboys tackles are garbage. The Deadskins didn’t score an offensive touchdown last week against a less than dominant Dallas defense. No way they keep up with the Texans.

Jets +3 vs. Patriots

Is this weird? I spend most of my time making fun of Jets fans and then I pick their team? There is no real evidence that the Jets are anything but a great defense. Mark Sanchez looked terrible last week. But they almost have to win this game, and with that defense I feel like you have to take this team at home getting 3 points. Talented home team playing a division foe and getting points is a must. But this could burn me.

Goin' Fishin'....for Sexual Harrassment

Didn’t sitting around drinking beers and watching football all weekend feel good? I’ve still got a semi from it, and knowing that every weekend from here until early February will consist of the same thing, I couldn’t be happier. Start to finish a solid weekend. Oh, and a great start for everyone’s All-American Tim Tebow.

G-Men started off the season right yesterday, getting the W in the debut of the new stadium over the Panthers. I’ve decided against doing recaps this year, one because there are people who do a lot better job of it, and two because I no longer have seats in my beloved section 337 of old Giants Stadium. So before I continue, let’s have a moment of silence for the decade plus run on crushing games in the greatest section in the world:

(moment of silence)

For you Giants fans out there, you should know about Bigblueview.com. If you don’t, I think the Jets are looking for half-assed fans, so feel free to join them. Otherwise, check out this recap if you haven’t so already.

But back to the Jets for a second, as if they needed anymore attention before even playing their first game. As we all briefly heard at halftime of the Cowboys embarrassing loss to the Redskins last night, the NFL is looking into a complaint made by the Association for Women in Sports Media against the New York Jets after a TV reporter was “allegedly” subject to harassment at practice and in the locker room afterwards. Inez Sainz, a reporter from Mexico TV’s Azteca was there to interview (who else?) Mark Sanchez. Apparently Jets players and coaches tried doing the classic beach move of goin' fishin'; overthrowing the ball/Frisbee into a group of hot chicks which, while hilarious, is hardly a necessary move when you’re a huge, black, rich professional athlete. Sainz was then allegedly greeted by catcalls and hooting in the locker room.

Look, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Other female reporters have been harassed in locker rooms, and in some cases it made their careers. Boo-hoo.

But the other victims of these locker room cat calls didn’t look like this:

Ms. Sainz, you have to be fucking kidding me. You went into the locker room dressed with an ass like that, in jeans like that, and were shocked when a group of huge black dudes whistled at you? That was absolutely the best possible scenario for being around a football team with an ass like that. If she had been gang-banged in the showers while Rex Ryan filmed, it wouldn’t have been shocking. The fact that she wasn’t groped or flashed is a moral victory for all women in sports media. I mean, if you asked Kris Jenkins, Calvin Pace and D’Brickshaw Ferguson to describe their ideal mistress, it would be a blonde Latino chick with a heart shaped ass. Which Inez Sainz, conveniently fits to a t. Half these guys girl on the side is a blonde Latino with a heart shaped ass.

So unless it turns out that Inez Sainz was physically forced to grab the entire defenses dicks, I’m not going to feel bad for her. She dresses like that so she can get interviews with horny soccer players. Yeah, dressing like a dime-store hooker is completely acceptable when interviewing athletes. Seems like she had no idea what she was doing in these pictures.

Clearly not using her looks to her advantage. Who’s she been hanging out with, Debrahlee Lorenzana? It backfires when you go to interview football players who weight twice as much as Lionel Messi and have absolutely no self-control around women. Dressing like that to go interview athletes is a conscious decision to get every dude in the locker room to look at you. I’m all for women’s’ rights, and certainly against sexual harassment, but if Inez Sainz is genuinely shocked by this she has to be retarded. Further proof of the retarded theory is that Ms. Sainz said she'd like to return to the locker room at a later point in the season, but "there are too much masculine hormones" in the room. Really? Who would’ve thought a room full of 300 pound black dudes would have masculine hormones. If she had been wearing a baggy sweat suit she still would’ve still gotten harassed. So instead she wore painted on jeans, a tube top and sparkly lip-gloss. The players probably thought she was a stripper.

I can only imagine the shit they were saying. And I’m sure the leader of the pack was Rex Ryan. Over-under on how many comments he said involving “eating that ass?” 15.5. She’s just lucky she’s not currently carrying a hybrid Antonio Cromartie-Santonio Holmes baby.

Again, I don't condone sexual harrassment. Definitley not kosher. But I also don't condone dressing like a whore and whining when a locker room full of dudes oogles your buns. But don’t worry, the Jets owner is looking into it. Yes, Woody Johnson is looking into the sexual harassment of a chick with a delicious ass. Insert joke here.

Picks Recap

As in the rest of my life, my picks for the weekend teetered on the fence of mediocrity. Garrett Hartley, you are a professional kicker. You can’t miss a 32-yarder with your team up by 5 in a game where the spread was 5. What did you bet on the push you cock sucker? But really I did ok. Colts decided to play no defense, which was good for the over but bad for the Colts. Packers took care of business, and despite a horrendous call that cost the Lions the win, they covered. Not a terrible start

2010 Record: 3-1-1