DOTW and Week In Review

If I could pick any two people in the world to fight in what would be titled “Biggest Mismatch of all-time,” my choices might be Marv Albert vs. 50 Cent. But despite the obvious size, age, speed, posse and weapon advantage of 50 Cent, apparently Marv and 50’s entourage got into a little scuffle backstage Wednesday night, when they were both guests on Jimmy Kimmel Live. As the LA times wrote,

As Albert arrived, with an entourage of one, TNT public relations specialist Jeff Pomeroy, there was a sudden scuffle when a multitude of 50 Cent protectors seemed unfamiliar with Albert. There was shouting ("It's Marv Albert," yelled a Kimmel show guard, a pronouncement that seemed to have no effect on the 50 Cent phalanx.) There were obscenities. A fist or two flying. A "Don't you put your hands on me" pronouncement. And finally Albert made it to his waiting room, relatively unruffled but slightly puzzled. "Did you see that?" Albert said. "I thought they were kidding, but then I realized they weren't."

Awesome. Marv doesn’t take shit from anyone, even a posse of large black dudes who probably had guns. Probably not the best choice Marv. Short-old Jewish dudes don’t usually fare well against huge black guys. Don’t you watch professional sports? Let’s look at the tale of the tape;

Marv Albert

Born in: Brooklyn, NY

Age: 68

Size: 5’61/2”

Occupation: Broadcaster

Signature line: “YESSSSSS!”

Toughest moment: Sexual assault charges of punching, biting sodomy, and forceful oral sex

50 Cent

Born in: Queens, NY

Age: 34

Size: 6’, 220 pounds

Occupation: Rapper

Signature line: “Been hit with a few shells but I don’t walk with a limp”

Toughest moment: Arrested for selling drugs in 1994, shot nine times in the hand, arm, hip legs, chest and left cheek in 2000. Also stabbed in the lung in 2000.

A lot closer than you would think on paper, with the exception of 50 being shot nine times and stabbed. I think that ends most discussions. So here’s to you Marv Albert, Dude of the Week. Just don’t quit your day job; NBA play by play and abusing women.

Must read of the week:

Obviously I’m a big football fan, and we all experienced the media fall-out from the Bill Belichick call Sunday night. I stayed away from commenting on it for 2 reasons; 1: it was completely over covered by professionals, who the hell needs some lazy dude with a crappy website giving his opinions, and 2: I had no idea if I thought it was a good or bad call. Initially, like everyone, I thought it was moronic, but there were substantial arguments for both sides. Not anymore. This Bill Simmons article swayed me. Simmons’s took the liberty of anointing Belichick Dud of the Week. Thanks Bill.

Retarded fad of the week, possibly the year: Twilight

Walking home from the subway last night, I passed a line over 2 blocks long. It was overflowing with estrogen, loaded with women 8 to 48, all standing in the cold drizzle with shit-eating grins on their faces. Was someone giving away shoes? Free Tasti-D-Lite? Was the cast of Sex and the City or Oprah making an appearance somewhere? No, they were waiting in line to buy tickets for the new Twilight movie. What the fuck is the big deal? I can’t stand this vampire craze. The other day, the guy who sits next to me at work (who I can’t stand as it is) asked me if I watched The Vampire Diaries. I almost threw up on him. No I don’t watch that, I don’t have a vagina. I haven’t seen the movie, and I never will, but I just don’t get it. If someone had come to you two years ago and said, “I’ve got a great idea; Romeo and Juliet with vampires and werewolves! It’s going to be huge, every girl will eat it up,” wouldn’t you have laughed in his face? How do I keep missing out on these things? I’ve got a fantastic idea, let’s remake The Notebook but we’ll make them flesh-eating aliens. Or Love Actually but with goblins. I’ll be a fucking millionaire. Can one of our female readers walk me through this whole thing?

Picks:

NervousCircle field trip this weekend. With Tom and MGM back in town, the three of us accompanied by friend of the Circle, the Juan, are going to the Giants-Falcons game Sunday. The last two games I went to were New Orleans and Arizona, so I have a dreadful feeling I may be the bad luck charm. Fortunately, spicy sausages and cheap beer will ease my pain when I watch the Giants lose on some soul-destroying drive where Matt Ryan etches his name into NFL lore.

Colts -1 @ Ravens

Peyton Manning won last week in am impossible situation. Granted it was handed to him, but what’s Manning going to do to an injury-ridden Ravens defense with no-name corners? Laying one point? Is Baltimore really that tough a place to play? All the fans are wearing polo shirts and top-siders.

49ers +6.5 @ Packers

Lambeau Field is a tough place to play in late November, but that’s only when you have an offensive line. Aaron Rodgers has been sacked 41 times this year, most in the league. Number 2? Matt Cassel with 29. Rodgers has attempted 296 passes, meaning he gets sacked 13.85% of the time the Packers pass. Before you knew that stat, would you have ever said the Packers o-line is worse than the Chiefs? They are…a lot worse.

Buccaneers +11.5 vs. Saints

This could come back to haunt me, but I’m sticking with my theory that the Saints are keeping games close just to make the Giants look even worse. Josh Freeman, the half-black Jew has shaken things up a bit in Tampa Bay. Raheem Morris, what the hell took you so long? Saints defense is banged up a bit too. Saints still win, but keep it close.

Chargers -1 @ Broncos

The Bolts have burned me in the past with my gambling, playing inconsistently. But they’re playing well right now, and the Bronco’s proved to be completely inept without Kyle Orton in the second half last week. That must’ve been the first time Orton and “inept” were in the same sentence, where it wasn’t describing him.

Bengals -9.5 @ Raiders

I’ve fallen in love with the Bengals. And the Raiders benched JaMarcus Russell to go with Bruce Gradkowski. Al Davis, I know you make Bud Adams look young and sane, but as the GM of an NFL team, you should probably have a better back-up plan. Or did you think your overweight, inaccurate, apathetic bust of a quarterback would make serious strides this year under coaching guru/wife-beater/felon Tom Cable?

Lions -3.5 vs. Browns

I had to put some heat on this stink bowl. It’s basically betting on who will lose less turnovers or make less bad coaching decisions and bone head plays. It’s like throwing rocks at geese or watching women’s boxing. It’s not cool, but it’s fun in a weird self-loathing kind of way. How can Eric Mangini ever get another head coaching job after the last 2 years? I wouldn’t worry about it though; ESPN will probably give him his own football analysis show.

College Pick:

Oregon -6 @ Arizona

The only game even worth watching this weekend.