Monday, November 16, 2009

Mystery Flavor My Ass


If there's one thing I like doing it's hounding candy. Now, I love candy but my candy intake has been slacking in the past few months. I don't know why, I just haven't felt the need for any, but over the past two weeks I have been surrounded by one candy in particular. I've been pounding these things back like it's my job. I'm talking about Dum Dum lollipops. Yeah, the tiny little lollipops that have an assortment of sick flavors. I think like 5 Dum Dums is equivalent to just 1 large legit lollipop like a Blow Pop or Tootsie Pop. Man, when was the last time you had a Blow Pop? I used to crush those when I was little and I'm pretty sure I'd swallow the gum every time, but who didn't right? Fuck that urban legend about how gum gets stuck in your stomach for 7 years, that's totally not true..right?

Anyway, so aside from your awesome standard flavors, like watermelon, cherry, grape, strawberry, pineapple, green apple, Dum Dums have some gay flavors that I just do not get at all. For starters, root beer? Have you ever met anyone that actually enjoys the root beer flavored lollipops? It's almost as gross as liking the popcorn flavored jellybean. Actually, if you like the popcorn flavored jellybean you got your own demons to deal with, get your shit together, that thing tastes like ass. So back to the root beer flavored lollipop, now, obviously people must like this flavor otherwise they wouldn't make it. But the people over at the Dum Dum Pops headquarters must also know that tons of people don't like that flavor. The reason I know that is because Dum Dums have the mystery flavor. Now, remember the mystery flavor of Air Heads? It was always some awesome, delicious flavor. You never went into thinking "man I hope this isn't butterscotch flavored."

Well, with the mystery flavor of Dum Dums, you're always sorely let down. Out of 10 mystery flavor Dum Dums, 9 are always root beer flavored and then the other is usually some random flavor you didn't know they made. "Oh man, this mystery Dum Dum tastes like a beer fart....weird." Like, what the fuck is the point of the mystery flavor if you're just gonna dump the gross flavors in this category? I know for some people taking the mystery flavor is about the same as putting a 100 g's on the Lions winning the Super Bowl this year, but aside from that, get out of here with this shit. Imagine if you went to a restaurant and they had a "mystery plate." Would you ever order it? No you wouldn't, because you want to know what you're going to eat. You know what the people over at the Dum Dum corporation should do? They should send the mystery flavors to some third world country. It looks like a nice, charitable gesture and it would totally bring a smile to the children in some impoverished country. Granted, most of these countries don't have very good dental plans, but whatever, would you rather have a child crushing a root beer flavored lollipop or brandishing a gun? Yeah, think about it. Ok, this post sucked cock but I'll end it with an intriguing "Would You Rather?: Ok, would you rather jerk off while a girl is finger blasting herself in front of you, or just get an HJ from the same girl whose naked? Was that a bit aggressive? Eh, I don't give shit.

6 comments:

AC said...

finger blast

Kehny P said...

Hands down get an HJ from a naked chick

Anonymous said...

How can you be hating on RB. What has it done to you. I love that shit

Sean Carroll said...

HJ.. why bother doing it yourself if someone's gonna do it for you? maybe you can even throw in some tricks of your own while shes down there giving you a nice rub-and-tug

Anonymous said...

Root beer is the best darn flavor!

Anonymous said...

excuse me, but you are oppressing your own opinion to someone else. ._.
i get that this is the internet, but please, keep it to a minimum.
(im actually really young ._. )