Tiger In The Rough

The news of the weekend wasn't how delicious Thanksgiving dinner was, the fact that Dubai is defaulting on $80 billion worth of debt, or the complete derail of the New York Giants. No sir, the story that would not go away and led to the more speculation and conspiracy theories that the OJ trial was Tiger Woods car crash/marital situation. Initially it was that Tiger was drunk and smashed into a fire hydrant and tree. Soon after, there were reports of no alcohol involved, and a courageous story of his lovely wife, Elin, breaking the back window to rescue her dazed husband. Then the skeptics came out, and it was thought that following an alleged affair, his wife attacked him causing him to drive off only to crash the car when she smashed out the back window with a golf club. Quite the progression there.

Naturally Tiger is playing this pretty close to the vest, saying very little to the media while trying to quell rumors that he is having an affair. Tiger said only that the situation is "embarrassing" and "stressful," but asking for "some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be," and that his wife "acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble" at the time of the accident, on Friday at about 2:30 a.m. "She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false."

We all know the theories on the events, so I’m not here to simply regurgitate reports about all this crap; I’m just here to comment. I know Tiger Woods is a solid-guy, and that his wife is smoking hot, but let’s be honest; he’s Tiger Woods, he could have an affair with any chick he wanted to. “Oh you’re dating Colin Farrell? Well I’m Tiger Woods, why don’t you come back to my Escalade and blow me.” That would work every time. Seriously, without being Tiger Woods he could clean house. “I went to Stanford, I’m in peak physical condition, I’m rich and I’m half-black,” is fine by itself, but throw Tiger Woods on there and your talking about a bigger pussy magnet than 2 dozen puppies. Again, Elin is five-alarm, but I’m wouldn’t be surprised if Tiger just went, “Yo, au pair, I’m Tiger Woods, watch the kids while I go bang the Victoria Secret model line-up.” So am I leaning towards the alleged affair, “that bitch is crazy I’m getting the fuck out of here” story? You know this.

That said I’m not sure about this Rachel Uchitel character. She’s definitely hot in that trashy, I’d fuck any guy with a Porsche, club promoter type way, but not in the Tiger Woods way. Tiger wouldn’t cheat on his Swedish bombshell wife with a socialite; he’d do it with the Princess of Monaco or Giselle Bundchen. Socialite is not a paying job; it’s a synonym for money-grubbing tramp. Paris Hilton is a socialite. And that Uchitel is denying these rumors is telling as well, saying the two aren’t even acquaintances. Who would deny banging Tiger Woods? If a rumor came out that I banged him I’d run with it, so I don’t think the Rachel Uchitel’s of the world would try to protect him with this. Her fiancée died in 9/11, which is terrible tragedy and obviously had an affect on her, but she’s made the move from the image of a strong, mourning widower to a home-wrecking whore. She married three years after, divorcing 4 months later and has been accused of having an affair with the dude from Bones while his wife was pregnant. I’d have to put her in the “gold-digging whore” category over the “classy chick” option. Maybe I’m being too hard on her, or maybe I just don’t see Tiger cheating on his wife with this chick.

When Tiger commits adultery, he probably does it in the classiest way possible.

And today just to add another juicy twist the New York Post printed a story that Tiger stormed out of the Woods’ home screaming at his wife, “You’ve ruined Thanksgiving! Are you happy now?” before driving off and into the fire hydrant and tree. I don’t believe this for one second. Tiger doesn’t let anyone ruin things for him, he controls all. And even if it did happen, I doubt he would react like a 4^th grader. So the long and short of it is that I see the events of that night going like this:

Elin is being a pain in the ass, so Tiger leaves, says “Watch the kids nanny, I’m going to go get blown by Cindy Crawford,” gets in Elin’s car and crashes it just to piss her off and prove that she controls nothing. The back window was blown out because of the sheer power of his sub-woofer blaring Jay-Z. The scratches on his face? As soon as he got out of the car, right before he sank a 40 yard put he saw a grizzly bear attacking an old lady in a wheel-chair and fought it to death with his bare hands, then ate the whole thing before the police showed up. Sounds about right to me.

That dog’ll hunt