Turkey Day

Thanksgiving has come and gone. For many it is our favorite holiday due to the fact you can say "Happy Thanksgiving" to anyone without offending them whereas around Christmas time you have to be picky because, who knows if that persons a jew or not. I feel like Thanksgiving is big anti-climatic day though. If you're like me you look forward to it for about a month. All that awesome food, some solid football games (I might be clinically depressed after the Giants pathetic attempt at trying to look like an NFL team last night) and you're surrounded by friends and family. But for some reason you always eat too much, and you're so hungover and the football games are never fun to watch. Knowing all of this though, I still will always look forward to Thanksgiving. If there's one thing about Thanksgiving it's that many families across the U.S. all share a very similar holiday experience. Here is what most of our Thanksgivings looked like yesterday, I'm sure many of you can relate:

10:00 AM: Woke up, hungover and miserable tried to remember who and what you forcefully made out with the night before, either a police horse or the heavy set girl lying next to you? Your head is throbbing and your mouth tastes like a bear shit in it while you were sleeping. Hopped on the train home.

11:00 AM: Take a disgusting dump followed by a non-rejuvenating 20 minute nap.

11:45 AM: Your parents ask you to do some task that doesn't involve too much thought or energy (turn the oven down to 350). You complain and tell them that you're not feeling "so hot right now" and you're in the middle of watching the timeless love story known as "Definitely Maybe."

1:00 PM: Your family starts showing up, and you start eating all the hors d'oeuvres in sight. Try not to vomit on your great aunt who wears the worst smelling perfume. She also thinks its Christmas and only talks about how all the "colored" people that work at her nursing home are stealing her things.

2:00 PM: Your cousin Charlie, now known as "Cha" who moved to Canada for 3 years to "escape the Bush dictatorship" shows up at your house. You give him a back handed compliment on his new dreadlocks. He chooses to discuss how Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are brainwashing a nation. You give him another back handed compliment on how your happy he has a stable job at the "Bagel Emporium."

2:45 PM: Your cousin whose in high school invites her new boyfriend to come over your house. Not only is he 6 years older than her, he's dressed to impress: Pre-ripped jeans, short sleeve button down tucked in, lip ring and DC skate shoes. Oh, he's not wearing a belt either. You offer him some crab cakes he tells you he doesn't like crab cakes and prefers Funyuns. You tell him to get the fuck out of your house.

3:45 PM: You finally sit down for the Thanksgiving meal. You load up your plate with everything in sight except the yams. Because, who the hell really eats the yams? Why make them every year? No one even eats them when they're leftovers. Anyway, you eat about half the plate and than feel like you're going to explode. Your recently divorced uncle starts crying at the table. You tell him to "maybe go easy on the whiskey-ciders" he doesn't hear you and talks about how your now ex-aunt is dating an older Italian man who owns a couple Pizza Hut franchises. Your grandfather begins a rant on some Italian dude he knew when he was stationed in Japan during WWII. You decide to get up and post up on the couch for awhile.

6:00 PM: Wake up, drool all over you. The Cowboys game is on and your neighbors 5 year old son is standing in the room just staring at you. You ask what he's doing in your house, let alone staring at you. He points to your rug to a steamy pile of poop. You ask him if it was the dog and he shakes his head no. He then gives you the finger and runs out of your house.

8:00-11:00 PM: Your family starts leaving, you don't say bye to any of them because you're too busy screaming at the TV while watching the Giants. Your cousin's weird boyfriend joins you on the couch (why is he still here?). You apologize for telling him to get the fuck out your house earlier, he gives you a bag of Funyuns after Brandon Stokley scores for the Broncos. You decide that Funyuns are better than crab cakes. You and him are now best friends. Well until you have to go back to school. Until then it's totally cool that he's sleeping on my couch.