Nothing can get a team and its fan base to step back from the ledge like a game against the Washington Redskins. The Giants once again looked like a group of actually professional football players, total domination from start to finish. I’m not going to go into detail about the “return of the Giants” because my greatest fear is another phone-in performance next week against the Panthers. I will say that Jim Zorn’s fake field goal at the end of the half, which I can’t even describe because I haven’t seen it since middle-school football was the worst call I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised his punter, Hunter Smith, even went out to attempt it, he had a 60% chance of being murdered during the play. What I DID really like from last night though was the good games by guys who aren’t the usual suspects. Derek Hagan snagged a touchdown, Jonathan Goff played well at middle linebacker, and Will Beatty stepped in fine for Kareem McKenzie. But I really want to focus on two guys.When starting guard Rich Seubert went out after Bradshaw rolled up on his knee, my friends and I were worried. Kevin “Cottage-Cheese Ass” Boothe was coming in to play significant minutes at guard. Well despite his amorphous body type and oatmeal-butt, Boothe played really well. Yeah his whole mid-section jiggled hilariously during the replay every time he pulled, but it got the job done. The jiggle is almost a necessity though; you can’t read his number because his pants are pulled up to his nipples, so there’s really no other way to identify him. But when you see a red and white blob of ricotta cheese streaking across the screen, you know who it is.
But the man of the night was the newly active Giant, Bear Pascoe. I should’ve known it was going to be a good night when the first play of the game was a screen to Bear Pascoe for a nine yard gain. But I think every Giant fan had the same reaction at the time; “Bear Pascoe?” Where did this guy come from? Who the hell is this international man of mystery, and why is his name Bear? The stories were flying around the room last night like a Bill Brasky skit from SNL. “Bear Pascoe has fathered children with every Victoria Secret model,” “He earned the name Bear by killing a grizzly during a wrestling match” or “Bear Pascoe ran a 4.3 forty at the combine with John Madden on his back.” So of course, we had to get some background on our new favorite Giant. He was a 6th round pick out of Fresno State by the 49ers this year, and after spending the first few months on the Giants practice squad, was activated December 4th. Well, despite his awesome name, awesome catch and allegedly awesome life, Bear Pascoe turned in a pretty mediocre performance at the combine.40-yard dash: 4.95 (16th out of 16 among tight ends)
Vertical jump: 26.5 inches (16th out of 16)
Broad jump: 8’11” (16th out of 16)
3-cone drill: 7.65 (16th out of 16)
20-yard shuttle: 4.55 (13th out of 16!)
So while Bear plays in the NFL, slays super models and parties with rock-stars, his physical abilities are a bit under par. But what he lacks in athleticism and skill, he makes up for with heart, hustle and the name Bear.
According to his bio though, his real name is McKenna but earned the nickname Bear by “by running tough after contact and doubling as an award-winning cowboy (calf roping).” Yes, that’s correct; he is an accomplished rodeo roper. Nothing gets chicks wetter than an accomplished rodeo roper, who in his spare time plays tight end for the Giants.
Picks: Last two weeks were a peak and trough type deal, and my win-loss spread is rapidly narrowing after a hot start. Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you.
Week 14: 4-1-0
Week 15: 0-3-2
Totals: 36-28-3
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