Tiger In The Rough

The news of the weekend wasn't how delicious Thanksgiving dinner was, the fact that Dubai is defaulting on $80 billion worth of debt, or the complete derail of the New York Giants. No sir, the story that would not go away and led to the more speculation and conspiracy theories that the OJ trial was Tiger Woods car crash/marital situation. Initially it was that Tiger was drunk and smashed into a fire hydrant and tree. Soon after, there were reports of no alcohol involved, and a courageous story of his lovely wife, Elin, breaking the back window to rescue her dazed husband. Then the skeptics came out, and it was thought that following an alleged affair, his wife attacked him causing him to drive off only to crash the car when she smashed out the back window with a golf club. Quite the progression there.

Naturally Tiger is playing this pretty close to the vest, saying very little to the media while trying to quell rumors that he is having an affair. Tiger said only that the situation is "embarrassing" and "stressful," but asking for "some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be," and that his wife "acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble" at the time of the accident, on Friday at about 2:30 a.m. "She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false."

We all know the theories on the events, so I’m not here to simply regurgitate reports about all this crap; I’m just here to comment. I know Tiger Woods is a solid-guy, and that his wife is smoking hot, but let’s be honest; he’s Tiger Woods, he could have an affair with any chick he wanted to. “Oh you’re dating Colin Farrell? Well I’m Tiger Woods, why don’t you come back to my Escalade and blow me.” That would work every time. Seriously, without being Tiger Woods he could clean house. “I went to Stanford, I’m in peak physical condition, I’m rich and I’m half-black,” is fine by itself, but throw Tiger Woods on there and your talking about a bigger pussy magnet than 2 dozen puppies. Again, Elin is five-alarm, but I’m wouldn’t be surprised if Tiger just went, “Yo, au pair, I’m Tiger Woods, watch the kids while I go bang the Victoria Secret model line-up.” So am I leaning towards the alleged affair, “that bitch is crazy I’m getting the fuck out of here” story? You know this.

That said I’m not sure about this Rachel Uchitel character. She’s definitely hot in that trashy, I’d fuck any guy with a Porsche, club promoter type way, but not in the Tiger Woods way. Tiger wouldn’t cheat on his Swedish bombshell wife with a socialite; he’d do it with the Princess of Monaco or Giselle Bundchen. Socialite is not a paying job; it’s a synonym for money-grubbing tramp. Paris Hilton is a socialite. And that Uchitel is denying these rumors is telling as well, saying the two aren’t even acquaintances. Who would deny banging Tiger Woods? If a rumor came out that I banged him I’d run with it, so I don’t think the Rachel Uchitel’s of the world would try to protect him with this. Her fiancée died in 9/11, which is terrible tragedy and obviously had an affect on her, but she’s made the move from the image of a strong, mourning widower to a home-wrecking whore. She married three years after, divorcing 4 months later and has been accused of having an affair with the dude from Bones while his wife was pregnant. I’d have to put her in the “gold-digging whore” category over the “classy chick” option. Maybe I’m being too hard on her, or maybe I just don’t see Tiger cheating on his wife with this chick.

When Tiger commits adultery, he probably does it in the classiest way possible.

And today just to add another juicy twist the New York Post printed a story that Tiger stormed out of the Woods’ home screaming at his wife, “You’ve ruined Thanksgiving! Are you happy now?” before driving off and into the fire hydrant and tree. I don’t believe this for one second. Tiger doesn’t let anyone ruin things for him, he controls all. And even if it did happen, I doubt he would react like a 4^th grader. So the long and short of it is that I see the events of that night going like this:

Elin is being a pain in the ass, so Tiger leaves, says “Watch the kids nanny, I’m going to go get blown by Cindy Crawford,” gets in Elin’s car and crashes it just to piss her off and prove that she controls nothing. The back window was blown out because of the sheer power of his sub-woofer blaring Jay-Z. The scratches on his face? As soon as he got out of the car, right before he sank a 40 yard put he saw a grizzly bear attacking an old lady in a wheel-chair and fought it to death with his bare hands, then ate the whole thing before the police showed up. Sounds about right to me.

That dog’ll hunt

Turkey Day

Thanksgiving has come and gone. For many it is our favorite holiday due to the fact you can say "Happy Thanksgiving" to anyone without offending them whereas around Christmas time you have to be picky because, who knows if that persons a jew or not. I feel like Thanksgiving is big anti-climatic day though. If you're like me you look forward to it for about a month. All that awesome food, some solid football games (I might be clinically depressed after the Giants pathetic attempt at trying to look like an NFL team last night) and you're surrounded by friends and family. But for some reason you always eat too much, and you're so hungover and the football games are never fun to watch. Knowing all of this though, I still will always look forward to Thanksgiving. If there's one thing about Thanksgiving it's that many families across the U.S. all share a very similar holiday experience. Here is what most of our Thanksgivings looked like yesterday, I'm sure many of you can relate:

10:00 AM: Woke up, hungover and miserable tried to remember who and what you forcefully made out with the night before, either a police horse or the heavy set girl lying next to you? Your head is throbbing and your mouth tastes like a bear shit in it while you were sleeping. Hopped on the train home.

11:00 AM: Take a disgusting dump followed by a non-rejuvenating 20 minute nap.

11:45 AM: Your parents ask you to do some task that doesn't involve too much thought or energy (turn the oven down to 350). You complain and tell them that you're not feeling "so hot right now" and you're in the middle of watching the timeless love story known as "Definitely Maybe."

1:00 PM: Your family starts showing up, and you start eating all the hors d'oeuvres in sight. Try not to vomit on your great aunt who wears the worst smelling perfume. She also thinks its Christmas and only talks about how all the "colored" people that work at her nursing home are stealing her things.

2:00 PM: Your cousin Charlie, now known as "Cha" who moved to Canada for 3 years to "escape the Bush dictatorship" shows up at your house. You give him a back handed compliment on his new dreadlocks. He chooses to discuss how Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are brainwashing a nation. You give him another back handed compliment on how your happy he has a stable job at the "Bagel Emporium."

2:45 PM: Your cousin whose in high school invites her new boyfriend to come over your house. Not only is he 6 years older than her, he's dressed to impress: Pre-ripped jeans, short sleeve button down tucked in, lip ring and DC skate shoes. Oh, he's not wearing a belt either. You offer him some crab cakes he tells you he doesn't like crab cakes and prefers Funyuns. You tell him to get the fuck out of your house.

3:45 PM: You finally sit down for the Thanksgiving meal. You load up your plate with everything in sight except the yams. Because, who the hell really eats the yams? Why make them every year? No one even eats them when they're leftovers. Anyway, you eat about half the plate and than feel like you're going to explode. Your recently divorced uncle starts crying at the table. You tell him to "maybe go easy on the whiskey-ciders" he doesn't hear you and talks about how your now ex-aunt is dating an older Italian man who owns a couple Pizza Hut franchises. Your grandfather begins a rant on some Italian dude he knew when he was stationed in Japan during WWII. You decide to get up and post up on the couch for awhile.

6:00 PM: Wake up, drool all over you. The Cowboys game is on and your neighbors 5 year old son is standing in the room just staring at you. You ask what he's doing in your house, let alone staring at you. He points to your rug to a steamy pile of poop. You ask him if it was the dog and he shakes his head no. He then gives you the finger and runs out of your house.

8:00-11:00 PM: Your family starts leaving, you don't say bye to any of them because you're too busy screaming at the TV while watching the Giants. Your cousin's weird boyfriend joins you on the couch (why is he still here?). You apologize for telling him to get the fuck out your house earlier, he gives you a bag of Funyuns after Brandon Stokley scores for the Broncos. You decide that Funyuns are better than crab cakes. You and him are now best friends. Well until you have to go back to school. Until then it's totally cool that he's sleeping on my couch.

Happy Thanksgiving

As expected, I got thoroughly destroyed last night, with Tom and a few other bros. Nothing shocking there, we all love getting smashed the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, no excuses, all regrets. I had a dinner and cocktail party thrown by a guy I work with that I had to go to. Sounds like a lot of fun right? It was, but I was a little upset. Thanksgiving Eve may be the only night where this doesn’t sound appealing to me. I had to behave myself, keep my shirt on and interact with other people for a few hours. Free booze and food, and I’d still rather be doing hand-grenades at some shitty bar with 4 dudes, throwing up by 9 o’clock. Anyway, I hope everyone has a great holiday, eats a lot of turkey, tells their family they love them and watches the Giants win. Just remember to give thanks for all the great things in the world; internet porn, beer, Doritos, football and NervousCircle.com.


Picks:


Packers -10.5 @ Lions


Despite Stafford’s heroics last week, the Lions still suck. They haven’t won a Thanksgiving game since 2003, which was against the Packers. Hell, last year there was a national uproar that football fans would have to be exposed to their game. It was like it was anthrax or herpes or a Jonas Brothers Concert. Packers o-line looked better last week,



Raiders +13.5 @ Cowboys


When a team has scored 14 points in two games and their quarterback is banged-up, I think laying 13.5 is too much, even against the Raiders. Plus, despite Oakland’s track record of uselessness, they burned me for the second time last week. Maybe Bruce Gradkowski is the second coming of Brett Favre. Probably not, but the inconsistent Raiders that have effed me might just be inconsistent enough this week to surprise people. I’m not worried about the short week and the jet lag either. It’s not like the coaching staff puts in schemes anyway.


Enjoy the turkey.

Celeb Spottings

Last night I went out for a lovely pre-Thanksgiving dinner with the special lady. Really classed it up too, went to the posh David Burke Townhouse for some quality food, lovely ambiance and a nice bottle of wine. Meal was great, service was fantastic, and when I was about to leave I was pretty content. On my way out however I got the added satisfaction of one of my favorite things ever; random celebrity spotting. Although the level of his celebrity is questionable, Zack Effron was eating in the restaurant. It was a strange scene, him being with a group of older people, one dude pulling on his skinny tie while everyone else oogled his dreamy “I just rolled out bed” hair cut, but still a celebrity spotting. He gave the two of us a serious glance, but I couldn’t tell if he was eye-fucking me or my special lady. Either way I’m all for it.

So even when it’s a celebrity I don’t respect at all, random spottings are awesome. Yeah, I’ve spotted my fair share of athletes, coaches and seen some serious celebs from a far, but the random ones are the best. One time a friend of mine saw John Goodman walking on the streets in New York. That’s a top-notch spot. I’d rather see him randomly keeping to himself than see Angelina Jolie swamped by paparazzi. So while my experiences are probably not too red-carpet, it made me want to do a Top 5 Random Celebrity Spottings I’ve had. Tom and I saw the dad from Blank Check one time, but he narrowly missed the list. MGM and I once saw Alan Arkin munching on a grilled chicken ceaser salad, but that guy’s got an Oscar. I’ve seen Chevy Chase a few times, he even asked me on a date once, but I’m talking totally random spottings. Guys you have to double check are celebrities. Here goes.

5: Paul Guilfoyle

Don’t worry; I had no idea what his name was either, but when I spotted him cruising around Grand Central station, dressed like an upscale hobo I thought to myself, “Is that the dude from Striptease?” Everyone would recognize him if they saw him, but not be able to tell you what he’s from, and those are the best spots there are. The best part is that it would’ve been easy to mistake him for a homeless person; he was wearing raggy old jeans, a flannel shirt at looked like he hadn’t showered in days. Looks like he’s on CSI now. Good for you Paul, steps in the right direction.

4. Joshua Jackson

This only makes it into the Top 5 because of where I spotted him and what he was doing. Obviously he was awesome as Charlie Conway, but I never watched Dawson’s Creek or Fringe. But When I saw Charlie Conway packing a flapper up in section 337 of Giants Stadium during the 49ers game last year, I became his number one fan. Why in God’s name does Charlie Conway have worse seats than me at the G-Men game? And he wasn’t with his smoking hot girlfriend or some other celeb; he was with some fat dude from jersey who was bumming beers off of him. Charlie Conway is a bro…a serious one.

3: Chris Elliot

This one really got me excited. The guy known better as the creepy guy with the "strong hand," Cabin Boy or Dom Wooginowski is a quality celeb spotting. Caught him munching on some grub at a little place called Ching’s Table in New Canaan, CT. Quality meal as I’m sure some of our Connecticut readers will attest. The urge to approach him and say, “do you know what it’s like to have a whitehead on your EYEBALL,” was immense. Unfortunately I pussied out.

2. John Lithgow

Career revitalization due to his creepy role on season four of my favorite show Dexter boosted him all the way up to 2. I was riding a train from Philly to New York minding my own business when I noticed people kept walking by, staring at the dude in front of me and whispering to each other. I didn’t want to be the weirdo peering over the seat, so I was going to wait to see who it was. Fortunately for me, a woman whose accent, hair, clothes and general demeanor screamed Staten Island walked by, stopped and said, “OH MY GOD are you John Lithgow?” Got to hand it to the guy, handled it well, wouldn’t be surprised if he banged her.

1: Marc Summers

Seriously, does a random celebrity spotting get any better than this? The dude is an icon for guys our age. First, he smoothly narrated our childhood game show fetish on Double Dare and What Would You Do? Now his sultry voice and cool demeanor guide is through our stoner TV sessions on the Food Networks Unwrapped. As any good purveyor of useless knowledge knows, Summers has extreme OCD, with rumors that he combs his rugs. Apparently he has a rough time getting slimed on Nickelodeon, which doesn’t really surprise me. If I had OCD I think all that shit would make me lose my mind. I saw him in an Italian restaurant in Philadelphia, eating with what must’ve been friends. Obviously I sent out a mass text telling everyone about my clutch spot. The best response was “I double dare you to dump your pasta on his head.”

That dog’ll hunt

Time To Party

I'm writing this post knowing many of you who will be reading it tomorrow (Wednesday), will be excited about one thing: boozing your face off. Thanksgiving Eve is the most ridiculous drinking night in America aside from the 4th of July. Remember when you were a freshman/sophomore in college and you came home for Thanksgiving? What bar would you go to? Oh, that's right, the local bar where everyone you graduated high school with will be at. You'd see people you'd want to see and also see people you didn't know still were alive. You know those bros that graduated college 6 years before you and somehow were still coming to the local bar hitting on all the younger girls. I used to despise those guys, but now that I think about it, maybe they were onto something? On second thought, no they were total fucking losers and probably still go to the local bar. I have nothing against the people that still head home for the holidays and opt for their own local bar. If that's the thing to do with your friends than by all means enjoy yourself, but for all of those who will be elsewhere, I'm sure you'll be getting just as hammered.

My friends and I will be in the city tomorrow night, getting drunk, spilling drinks on girls and most likely vomiting on the bar. The past few years I've had some of the best times of my life. Last year Spaniard and I had quite a memorable night. After a bunch of orders of tequila shots and whiskey-gingers, I was smashing face (making out) with my girlfriend at the time, and at that very moment I looked up and saw my man Spaniard playing his own game of tonsil hockey with an unsuspecting babe at the bar. I know this isn't that big of a deal, but it was around 7 PM, and there were families still eating dinner just staring at us with disgust. The next morning was a strange experience as well. I woke up in Spaniard's apartment on the floor, no blanket, butt ass naked. I was naked on the floor and my girlfriend was sleeping on a couch, in pajamas with a nice warm blanket, yeah that relationship didn't last.

That was just one of my fond memories of Thanksgiving Eve, most of my fond memories are wiped out by the miserable mornings that always follow. Waking up bright and early and then driving or taking the train home from the city is one of the worst experiences of my life. Being THAT hungover is fucking awful. You want to start drinking ASAP to rid yourself of the hangover and feel a little buzzed/jolly while you're in the company of your family/friends, but then your whole family will just think your an alcoholic so you have to feel like shit for a few hours while you devour shrimp cocktail, veggie platters and mixed nuts. But it is always worth it, isn't it? For anyone that will be in NYC for the night, keep your eyes peeled for me. Chances are I will be hitting on your sister or girlfriend. Enjoy your Thanksgiving Eve. Frank, I miss your comments and to all those fans who were wondering who the 100, 000th visitor was. It was the infamous Ron. No joke.

Caught Redheaded

In one of the more hilarious headlines I've seen in awhile, a bunch of Ginger's at some California middle school were the focus of beatings simply because they're pale, freckly and their hair is orange. Also the picture to the left is the picture from the article. How funny is that? It's like the editor asked to find the funniest picture of a ginger ever. He's at the beach, fully clothed, in the shade and obviously rocking the nerd essentials: glasses. Anyway, we all have friends who are gingers and we never let them forget that they are gingers. We'll laugh at them when they have to wear SPF 500 at the beach, or poke fun at the fact they their pubes resemble Cheetos more than they do hair. I have this ongoing joke with one my buddies who happens to be a ginger. I always tell him that whatever he touches gets Cheetos powder all over it because I mean, if there was one type of powder gingers would excrete it would totally be Cheetos powder.

Back in the day when I was in middle school we had ridiculous days similar to "Kick A Ginger Day" but we avoided being racist by pulling the standard "pick on the kid who sucks at sports and weighs 50 pounds less than you, no matter what his skin color was." This usually only left the nerdy jewish kids, and asians to get bullied on "Wedgie Week." Yeah, at my middle school we devoted an entire week to giving kids wedgies. Is there anything more stereotypical than giving little nerds wedgies? Oh man, I can't imagine the emotional pain I caused kids when I was in middle school. You know how in Billy Madison the character played by Steve Buscemi has a list of people to kill? Well if I continued to be the same "bad ass" I was in middle school I'd be on a butt load of people's list.

Back to the story though. It pisses me off that they blame South Park for the incident. Shut the fuck up people. When shit hits the fan parents just blame the easiest scapegoat instead of themselves. I mean, everyone makes fun of gingers. For those of you who watched "Summer Heights High" you'd know the character Jonah made fun of "rangas" since they looked like Orangutans. Let's not forget I absolutely love South Park. The episode two weeks ago they actually killed a ginger. In one of the funniest beginnings to a South Park ever, Gordon Stoltski is murdered over the morning announcements. I don't think I ever laughed so hard at the beginning of a South Park episode in my life. But anyway, South Park never promoted kicking gingers, they just always showed Cartman's hatred for them, and that gingers may or may not have souls. I'm not approving beating the shit out of a kid because he happens to have orange colored hair, but I can't help but kinda smile on the inside thinking about a bunch of little snot nosed middle schoolers planning this day. I'm sure they were thinking of going with beating up maybe the asian kids, but since all gingers are white, they figured it wouldn't be that big of a deal in terms of "race relations."

My Weekend Review

Hey everybody, I hope you all had a solid weekend of getting fratty while the weather was still nice out (at least for those who live in the tri-state area). My weekend was filled with booze, burgers and a lack of sleep. I'm home from school so I had plenty of people to see this weekend. On Friday I spent the majority of my night in the back of a cab going from bar to bar. I don't mind taking cabs as I always bank on the next van cab that picks me up will be the "Cash Cab." My night finally ended when I looked up at a clock in Spaniard's apartment and saw that it said 6 AM. Yeah usually this wouldn't bother me but I had to bring my dog to the vet at noon so I was fired up that I had to get less than 12 hours of sleep which is a standard for me on Saturdays. I'm fortunately a veteran at having a lack of sleep and being miserably hungover, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. Interacting with people when we're hungover is something we all do, all the time. But when you actually have to use thought and intellect, I don't think there's anything worse. For all of you with jobs, I'm sure you've perfected this like Spaniard has. Even though rumor has it Spaniard once vomited at work, while sitting at his desk. Again, that's just a rumor. Oh, also, that's O'Doyle in the picture. Figured I'd throw it up there, because...O'Doyle Rules!

Saturday was an ultimate crush. I ventured to an open bar for some girl I didn't know and had a blast. Don't you love doing that? You get a text from a friend saying there's an open bar for someone they know and that you should totally come, do you ever second guess that? I sure don't; 40 bucks to drink as much as I possibly can in 4 hours sounds more like a challenge to me than any sort of deal. After my open bar challenge I headed out with a few friends to some random bars. I randomly ran into NervousCircle professional commenter Frank (who by the way is now blocked at work from commenting) and shared a good laugh with him, but nothing was more insane than when this girl I literally had just met got hit by a motorcycle. Yes, a motorcycle. This girl and I shared a cab to a bar and when she got out she forgot the gold standard when crossing the street: look both ways. The motorcycle came and she just kept walking. She didn't really get plowed by it but the side view mirror on the thing got knocked off. It took the guy a good 10 minutes to put the mirror back on. That guy must've felt really awesome. At first he was bad ass, crusin' the streets of Manhattan until a drunk girl in a party dress basically told his bike to go fuck itself. Anyway, for the remainder of the night I was giving her shit about "getting run over" by a motorcycle, she was not amused.

Finally Sunday rolled around. As Spaniard mentioned in his latest post myself along with two friends of ours joined him at the GMEN game. Waking up Sunday was pretty easy. I was hungover as balls but knowing I'm going to a Giants game is like waking up on Christmas day. I'm so stoked I can't contain myself. We opted to take the train to the game which isn't bad at all, but we were lacking a solid tailgate. We found ourselves standing in the middle of Giants Stadium parking lot just slugging beers. This doesn't sound that weird but when your not sitting next to a car, jamming out to tunes, tossing the pigskin around you feel really odd. And like I did on Friday night, I ran into Frank again but this time it wasn't that random. Wandering the parking lot crushing beers, Spaniard got in contact with one of his college buddies and we finally had a place to officially tailgate. And by tailgate I mean shotgun 3 beers each and go into the stadium. A ton of things happened at the game aside from the Giants pulling out a win in a big stinker of a game. I'd write about them but they were more of the stories that fit the "you had to be there" mold. Let's just say I saw a 45 year old man sitting indian style outside of a bathroom surrounded by 4 cops. I'd say he had a good day. Welp, that was my shitty weekend. If you had a crazy story email us and tell us about it.

Website To Check Out

If you're bored check out this site. It's like all those other sites I have posted on NC in the past. This one is all about emails between people that are rather amusing. Check it out for some laughs.

http://dontevenreply.com/

Song of the Day

Kid Sister-Right Hand Hi

Thoughts from Section 337: Off Suicide Watch

The misery is over… for now. I can officially go back to watching Sportscenter and reading sports media. Despite a strong effort by the defense to give the game away, the Giants pulled out a squeaker against the Falcons yesterday at the Meadowlands, with me, Tom and two other degenerate Giants fans in tow. MGM and friend of the Circle Juan bailed last minute for work/travel related reasons, but there are bigger tragedies in life. To be honest, Juan is probably more upset about not getting a foot-long chili-cheese dog.

G-Men did their best to give me a heart attack and allow my “Matt Ryan drives for last minute, soul-crushing win” theory to come true. Realistically, they were a coin flip away from losing for the 5^th time in a row. Hard to believe it was Eli Manning’s first 300 yard day at Giants stadium, but besides the first atrocious Sanchez-like interception he played really well Sunday. 25-39 for 384 and 3 scores, (111.5 rating), and that doesn’t show that the Falcons front 7 were in his grill all day. Offensive line continues to be sketchy. Something is not right with a group that just last year was being called the best in the league. The receiving quartet of Nicks, Smith, Manningham and Boss was unbelievable, even though Madison “Bowling ball hands” Hedgecock catching a touchdown was probably the highlight of the day. Really good to see the Boss-man getting involved. Tom, as usual, was wearing his trusty Steve Smith jersey, and the two other guys we were with decided during the game they wanted Nicks and Manningham ones to complete the receiving core. Instead of paying up for custom jerseys online, they approached another friend of ours who “has a jersey guy.” The jerseys look and feel like authentics, but for ¼ of the price. Pretty sick deal. They wanted size 50 Manningham and a 48 Nicks in blue, which I thought they would have to have custom made. Nope. “He’ll be here in 40 minutes,” said our friend with the connection. The dude happened to have a size 50 Manningham and a 48 Nicks lying around, ready to go? That’s a good jersey guy, but seriously, who has a jersey guy? People have coke guys and ecstasy guys, not jersey guys; but if I had any need for, or really saw the point of having one, I’d use this cat. Job well done.

Defensively I’ll keep it brief. Corey Webster looked like a stud again and Michael Boley continues to make plays with 13 tackles and a sack against his former team. Not really sure what happened to the team defense in the last 6 minutes though. It wasn’t anyone getting beat one-on-one in the passing game, or a bad scheme but just more lack of communication. I like that Sheridan continued to bring pressure and not just sit back in the prevent, but everyone across the board has to play better in that situation. Can’t fault any one person for Tony Gonzalez having a big day, he’s the best tight-end ever, and that’s why. Corners are too small to cover him and linebackers are too slow. That’ll do it.

Will the Giants please cut Lawrence Tynes? Yeah he hit the game winner, but everyone in the stadium or watching at home was convinced he was going to miss it. How do you miss a 31 yarder in the 2^nd quarter? Overall, a win is a win, but on a short-week going to a reeling Denver team, I’m not holding my breath.

Another mediocre week for yours truly on the gambling front. Luckily I built up a nice cushion in the early weeks and I’m still ahead overall. Classic Spaniard not knowing when to walk away. Ravens made it closer than I thought they would, but once again Peyton Manning pulled it out. The Colts are 4-0 in November, but have outscored their opponents by only 10 points. Dude can win games. 49ers just barely covered, only sacking Rodgers 2 times in 45 attempts, only 4.4% of his drop-backs, way below the season average of 13%. Saints made me look stupid, as did the Bengals. That’s the second time I’ve been burned betting against the Raiders this year, which probably equals the total from the past 5 years. Broncos’ continued their derail, and I hit on the Bolts.

Despite the Lions not covering, I knew there was a reason I bet on the stink bowl. I said on Friday this game would come down to who makes fewer turnovers, less bone head plays and less bad coaching calls. Well the Browns saved ‘em for the final play. After Stafford was drilled into the ground, injuring his shoulder on what looked like a game saving interception, the Brown’s Hank Poteat was flagged for pass-interference after body-slamming Calvin Johnson. What the fuck was he thinking? Was he doing a CC Brown impression? With Stafford down the Lions were charged with a time-out, one they didn’t have. But because there’s no penalty or time-run off until the second injury timeout, they had one more play. With Stafford down, he would have to sit one play out. That is of course unless Mangini calls a timeout, allowing the Lions to draw-up a play, Stafford to get back in the game. So what does Mangini do? He calls a timeout. After the game he said it was because he didn’t have the right personnel on the field, but it looked like it was to argue with the officials. So of course, in classic Browns fashion, Stafford comes in and throws the winning touchdown. I guess how I felt during the Giants 4 game losing steak is how Browns fans feel all the time. That must suck.

Week 11:

NFL: 3-3

NCAA: 0-1

Total:

NFL: 30-19-1

NCAA: 3-3-1

I Don't Want To Work...

As I often mention in my posts, I am a huge waste of life. I only say this because I'm still in college while all my friends have had jobs for the past 2 years and are responsible, not-so-much respectable human beings in the real world. Granted there has been some life-speed bumps I was never expecting (thank you Barry Collier for all your great work at Butler) and I really don't make too many excuses about my situation. Wait, no that's a total lie, that's all I do. Anyway, I've been in college long enough that I attend school with people who were born in 1992. That doesn't sound that weird probably to some of our readers who were born in the '90s, but it is really weird to me (born in '86). I have some strange feeling knowing I can hook up with a chick who was born during a year I could remember. I'm sure this starts dissipating as you get older, and lonelier but I can remember distinct moments from the year 1992. As of right now in my life, I'm avoiding girls born in the '90s, as I hope many of you are doing as well. Stick with the babes from the '80s, it never did me wrong.

Ok, I got off topic there for a minute, because what this post is really about is how I do not have a job, and I catch so much shit for it. People like to attack me for still being in college. I get it, I'm an easy target and I'm also able to take it since I'd like to think I dish it out with the best of them. I'll spend my days on breaks from school just lounging around my house, Spaniards apartment, or random alleys I find suitable for classy homeless people. My friends and family will always ask what I did for the day. If I tell them the "usual" (watched the Food Network/ESPN, ate Doritos and didn't shower) they always respond with the standard "What a life, your such a bum." At first I would always think "man, they're so right, I am a bum." But then I started realizing something.

Everyday I'd get emails or texts from my friends saying how much they hated their jobs. It was non-stop, they'd complain all day about waking up early, going to work, sitting there for 8-hours and then just contemplate ways of getting fired/committing suicide. Well maybe not commit suicide but you get the point. After all this complaining they would attack me for not having a job. Well shit, having one sounds so pleasant, I can't wait! You see, they were envious of my lazy bum lifestyle. They'd complain all day about how miserable they're lives were and then look over at me, unshaven and not showered, doing nothing with my life and they can't stand it. Since I am still a college student it's okay for me to not shower, shave, have any real plan in life or wear condoms. Who wouldn't want this non-responsible lifestyle? Most of my friends have really good jobs, and make a good amount of money, and yet, I know they'd change positions with me in second--even if they don't admit it. Until I graduate and enter the workforce I will live my life to the fullest; to the fullest of being lazy.

Song of the Day

Lady Gaga-Bad Romance

DOTW and Week In Review

If I could pick any two people in the world to fight in what would be titled “Biggest Mismatch of all-time,” my choices might be Marv Albert vs. 50 Cent. But despite the obvious size, age, speed, posse and weapon advantage of 50 Cent, apparently Marv and 50’s entourage got into a little scuffle backstage Wednesday night, when they were both guests on Jimmy Kimmel Live. As the LA times wrote,

As Albert arrived, with an entourage of one, TNT public relations specialist Jeff Pomeroy, there was a sudden scuffle when a multitude of 50 Cent protectors seemed unfamiliar with Albert. There was shouting ("It's Marv Albert," yelled a Kimmel show guard, a pronouncement that seemed to have no effect on the 50 Cent phalanx.) There were obscenities. A fist or two flying. A "Don't you put your hands on me" pronouncement. And finally Albert made it to his waiting room, relatively unruffled but slightly puzzled. "Did you see that?" Albert said. "I thought they were kidding, but then I realized they weren't."

Awesome. Marv doesn’t take shit from anyone, even a posse of large black dudes who probably had guns. Probably not the best choice Marv. Short-old Jewish dudes don’t usually fare well against huge black guys. Don’t you watch professional sports? Let’s look at the tale of the tape;

Marv Albert

Born in: Brooklyn, NY

Age: 68

Size: 5’61/2”

Occupation: Broadcaster

Signature line: “YESSSSSS!”

Toughest moment: Sexual assault charges of punching, biting sodomy, and forceful oral sex

50 Cent

Born in: Queens, NY

Age: 34

Size: 6’, 220 pounds

Occupation: Rapper

Signature line: “Been hit with a few shells but I don’t walk with a limp”

Toughest moment: Arrested for selling drugs in 1994, shot nine times in the hand, arm, hip legs, chest and left cheek in 2000. Also stabbed in the lung in 2000.

A lot closer than you would think on paper, with the exception of 50 being shot nine times and stabbed. I think that ends most discussions. So here’s to you Marv Albert, Dude of the Week. Just don’t quit your day job; NBA play by play and abusing women.

Must read of the week:

Obviously I’m a big football fan, and we all experienced the media fall-out from the Bill Belichick call Sunday night. I stayed away from commenting on it for 2 reasons; 1: it was completely over covered by professionals, who the hell needs some lazy dude with a crappy website giving his opinions, and 2: I had no idea if I thought it was a good or bad call. Initially, like everyone, I thought it was moronic, but there were substantial arguments for both sides. Not anymore. This Bill Simmons article swayed me. Simmons’s took the liberty of anointing Belichick Dud of the Week. Thanks Bill.

Retarded fad of the week, possibly the year: Twilight

Walking home from the subway last night, I passed a line over 2 blocks long. It was overflowing with estrogen, loaded with women 8 to 48, all standing in the cold drizzle with shit-eating grins on their faces. Was someone giving away shoes? Free Tasti-D-Lite? Was the cast of Sex and the City or Oprah making an appearance somewhere? No, they were waiting in line to buy tickets for the new Twilight movie. What the fuck is the big deal? I can’t stand this vampire craze. The other day, the guy who sits next to me at work (who I can’t stand as it is) asked me if I watched The Vampire Diaries. I almost threw up on him. No I don’t watch that, I don’t have a vagina. I haven’t seen the movie, and I never will, but I just don’t get it. If someone had come to you two years ago and said, “I’ve got a great idea; Romeo and Juliet with vampires and werewolves! It’s going to be huge, every girl will eat it up,” wouldn’t you have laughed in his face? How do I keep missing out on these things? I’ve got a fantastic idea, let’s remake The Notebook but we’ll make them flesh-eating aliens. Or Love Actually but with goblins. I’ll be a fucking millionaire. Can one of our female readers walk me through this whole thing?

Picks:

NervousCircle field trip this weekend. With Tom and MGM back in town, the three of us accompanied by friend of the Circle, the Juan, are going to the Giants-Falcons game Sunday. The last two games I went to were New Orleans and Arizona, so I have a dreadful feeling I may be the bad luck charm. Fortunately, spicy sausages and cheap beer will ease my pain when I watch the Giants lose on some soul-destroying drive where Matt Ryan etches his name into NFL lore.

Colts -1 @ Ravens

Peyton Manning won last week in am impossible situation. Granted it was handed to him, but what’s Manning going to do to an injury-ridden Ravens defense with no-name corners? Laying one point? Is Baltimore really that tough a place to play? All the fans are wearing polo shirts and top-siders.

49ers +6.5 @ Packers

Lambeau Field is a tough place to play in late November, but that’s only when you have an offensive line. Aaron Rodgers has been sacked 41 times this year, most in the league. Number 2? Matt Cassel with 29. Rodgers has attempted 296 passes, meaning he gets sacked 13.85% of the time the Packers pass. Before you knew that stat, would you have ever said the Packers o-line is worse than the Chiefs? They are…a lot worse.

Buccaneers +11.5 vs. Saints

This could come back to haunt me, but I’m sticking with my theory that the Saints are keeping games close just to make the Giants look even worse. Josh Freeman, the half-black Jew has shaken things up a bit in Tampa Bay. Raheem Morris, what the hell took you so long? Saints defense is banged up a bit too. Saints still win, but keep it close.

Chargers -1 @ Broncos

The Bolts have burned me in the past with my gambling, playing inconsistently. But they’re playing well right now, and the Bronco’s proved to be completely inept without Kyle Orton in the second half last week. That must’ve been the first time Orton and “inept” were in the same sentence, where it wasn’t describing him.

Bengals -9.5 @ Raiders

I’ve fallen in love with the Bengals. And the Raiders benched JaMarcus Russell to go with Bruce Gradkowski. Al Davis, I know you make Bud Adams look young and sane, but as the GM of an NFL team, you should probably have a better back-up plan. Or did you think your overweight, inaccurate, apathetic bust of a quarterback would make serious strides this year under coaching guru/wife-beater/felon Tom Cable?

Lions -3.5 vs. Browns

I had to put some heat on this stink bowl. It’s basically betting on who will lose less turnovers or make less bad coaching decisions and bone head plays. It’s like throwing rocks at geese or watching women’s boxing. It’s not cool, but it’s fun in a weird self-loathing kind of way. How can Eric Mangini ever get another head coaching job after the last 2 years? I wouldn’t worry about it though; ESPN will probably give him his own football analysis show.

College Pick:

Oregon -6 @ Arizona

The only game even worth watching this weekend.

Will You Be the 100,000th Visitor?

So, the time has almost come. NervousCircle is about to reach 100, 000 hits. Granted 90,000 of those are myself, Spaniard and MGM but for all the other hits we obviously thank all you loyal readers out there. Our posts may suck sometimes, and sometimes we just don't post at all but for some reason you come back day in and day out (I hope) and read are retarded thoughts on really dumb issues. We really botched this post as we've should've posted this maybe a week ago, but whatever, deal with it. If you are the fortunate 100,000th visitor please feel free to take a picture of the screen and send it in to NC to prove your worthiness. If you are the 100,000th visitor and don't feel like doing anything of that nature, that's cool too.

However, if you do take the time to send us in a picture we here at NC will allow you to write a post on anything you want and we will throw it up for you. If you don't want to do that, we'll just give you a pleasant shout out in one of our posts or we'll fly you out to NYC to come rage out with us and become our new best friend. No, I'm just fucking with you, we won't pay for your flight. Anyway, if you're reading this and it interests you, I'd start hitting the refresh button. And as the person in Taken said to Liam Neeson..."Good Luck."

Top 5 Disgusting Habits We Do and Love

Well, we've never really prided ourselves on saying that NervousCircle was a respectable, professional and morally upright website. In fact, we mainly pride ourselves on the fact that we're more likely to write about fart jokes and beer than any real issue in the world, such as healthcare reform, global warming or how some bags of chips that used to be $.99 cents are now $1.29--yeah, I know, it's ridiculous right? I know many of my posts deal with less complex and thoughtful issues, but that's why you read NC. If you wanted a solid opinion on an important issue just go to CNN, otherwise keep reading on because I'm about to get as immature as you can when writing a post. I am going to make a Top 5 list based on what we as people do that is pretty gross, and yet, we enjoy doing it. Check it out and give me your thoughts, this is in no particular order by the way:

5. Dutch Oven (Basically Smelling Your Own Fart): I've written before about the art of Dutch Ovening and let's be real, tons of people do this all the time. Yeah, you're lying in your bed, smelling your own fart and to anyone else it smells absolutely horrible but to you, it is not that bad, it's rather relaxing and pleasant. Why the hell is this? There's got to be some type of weird science going on there. Anyway, just think about this, your wallowing in your own poop particles and enjoying it. If i were to tell you, that'd you actually enjoy spending your hungover Sunday's smelling the most rancid smell under your blanket wouldn't you think that I'd be a little crazy? Well call me crazy when on Sunday you're huffing your farts like they're going out of style.

4. Smelling your balls/grundle sweat: I know we have girls that read this blog but I'm sure if you hang around dudes, or have brothers, or a boyfriend you understand what I'm talking about. All the bros who read NC know exactly what I'm talking about. You know those days when you don't shower and you've been watching tons of reality TV, or college football and girls start making their way over to your place. Once that starts to happen you stick your hand down your pants, gently wipe your fingers right under you ball sack and then bring that pending smelly hand right back up to your nose. You guys remember when I used to do the whole Adventures of Ron stories? Well Ron has perfected this. Hell, Ron's that dude amongst my friends that will actually smell your fingers, no questions asked. Why do we do this as men? We know it's going to smell like shit, and yet, we do it weekly, maybe even daily. Even though after we smell our fingers we always go "oh man, my ball sweat smells soo bad," we smell it maybe 3 or 4 times after this. I guess it just lets us know how bad we need to shower, and also gives us comfort in how bad we can actually smell. It must be part of our whole cavemen side.

3. Popping Zits: Yeah, we love doing this. Everyone does. As soon as we started getting zits around 7th grade we were hooked to popping zits like it was crack. I am very fortunate in that I never had to use Proactiv, or had any type of backne, maybe if I did I wouldn't enjoy popping zits as much as I do now. During my high school years when zits were a regular on my face I loved when I had the opportunity to pop a large, disgusting zit. Man, I know girl's that would ask to pop other people's zits. What is our obsession with popping these things? Now, everyone's favorite zits are the ones that explode all over the mirror. I know I'm right about this, and again, how disgusting is that? It's just puss, and zit juice all over the mirror and yet we feel like we just B'd our L all over some girl's T's. Sometimes, after we pop a zit all over the mirror we'll call our friends into the bathroom to checkout the aftermath. This isn't the only time we call our friends in to checkout some aftermath in the bathroom. In fact, this gives a nice lead up to numero 2.

2. Taking a dump: There's a reason we call toilets our thrones. We feel like Kings when were sitting there, no care in the world, just unleashing all hell on the thing. If your like my friends and I you'll know that when you have your private time is probably the most relaxing part of your day. You may read a magazine, maybe a book, but most of us either make all our phone calls when were dropping heat. I know for a fact I've called Spaniard on numerous occasions when I'm taking a dump and you know what he's doing? He's taking a dump as well. During my internship this summer I would go to the bathroom as many times as possible, sometimes to just sit on the toilet and play some Brickbreaker. Now, as I talked about in the 3rd one, after we take a dump like Mr. Marsh did in that South Park episode we call everyone we know to come check out the size of our disgusting dump. We are a strange species.

1. Picking your nose: Yeah, I love picking my nose. When we were little, we'd pick our nose and eat it, but now, we just pick the hell out of our nose. I usually pick my nose when I'm driving in my car or sitting in class. I really don't even care now if people see me. I go with the classic thumb pick now. The thumb pick says your not that serious about getting after all the boogers and that you don't mind getting boogers all over your BlackBerry. I know when I drive around in my car and I'm digging for gold people will look at me and share a little laugh. Well fuck those people, because I guarantee in the security of their home they go to town on their nose, I just have no shame in that regard.

Welp that's the list. Sorry if I'm missing some disgusting habit we do and love, but I think I nailed all the ones that belong in the Top 5. Oh yeah, this is what I do in my spare time. Make lists about disgusting habits. And what do you do in your spare time? Read it. Whose the weird one? New South Park tonight, looking forward to it. Later.

NervousCircle Icons: Where Are They Now?

Remember when you were a young buck, and you and your friends would gather around, get all excited and make prank phone calls? Man those were good times, but inevitably you and your buddies would lose it and end up saying “fuck you gaylord” or something childish and stupid into the phone before hanging up. Worked every time. Where did this fad come from? Why were millions of adolescent males dialing up random numbers and harassing innocent people for years? All this fun and shenanigans is owed to the genius of a bored, overweight and otherwise useless duo from Queens; Johnny Brennan and Kamal, better known as the Jerky Boys. Everyone remembers the Jerky Boys, those two degenerates who taped their prank phone calls, put them on CD’s and sold them to millions of kids for 20 bucks a pop. What a fucking idea, those two probably made a killing, kids ate that shit up. Listening to the Jerky Boys was just the thing to do when you were in middle school, like listening to Pearl Jam, hating your parents or excessively masturbating. The Jerky Boys released their first album in 1993, conveniently titled, The Jerky Boys, which went certified double-platinum. The 1994 follow-up, Jerky Boys 2 also went certified platinum. Just for those who don’t know, platinum means 1 million units sold. Just to put that into perspective, Lil Wayne’s “Tha Carter III” is triple platinum. I personally don’t like Lil’ Wayne, but everyone else in the world does, and it’s only sold about 800k more than The Jerky Boys. One of the biggest rappers in the world, just beating out two fat dudes from Queens. All told, the Jerky Boys released 6 albums between 1993 and 2001 and even a movie in 1995, which I believe 14 people saw. But they’re influence in the mid-to-late nineties will forever be felt. Everyone was going around doing the voices, some of which still get my chuckling today. I still call people bologna tits. Notable characters were;

-Sol Rosenberg, the nervous Jew who was always suffering from some ridiculous ailment

-Frank Rizzo, the obnoxious blue-collar Italian dude with a short fuse.

-Tarbash the Egyptian Magician, the Middle-Eastern who was always in physical pain. Not to be confused with Kerpal of “You kicked my dog” fame.

There were plenty of funny characters, but those are the guys I still quote occasionally, literally 10 years after I last listened to them. I loved the Jerky Boys, I listened to that crap and laughed my ass off, even my mom thought they were hilarious. Every so often now when I throw out a Jerky Boys quote, I’m met with two reactions; either someone knows exactly what I’m talking about, or they think I’m a crazy crack-head who has a pet snake and a “People to Kill” list. But a wise man once said for every action there is a reaction, and I can imagine a lot of people didn’t appreciate the Jerky Boys brand of humor. Most notably the small store owners, private businesses and doctor’s offices that got millions of prank phone calls from dumb 12 year olds. Also, parents probably didn’t appreciate their young son listening to edgy material only to jack up the phone bill by calling “Phil’s Carpet Cleaning” 45 times asking if they’ll come and lick your mom’s rug. One of those generational things; our parents had Richard Pryor, we had the Jerky Boys.

So my real question is what the hell happened to these guys? Well, like most successful artists, they ran into some creative differences, jealousy issues and sliding sales and ultimately split up in 2000, with Kamal leaving the group. TV shows like Crank Yankers tried to capitalize on the prank call craze, but for the most part they missed the boat. Yeah some of them were funny (basically Tracy Morgan’s and Dane Cook’s before he got gay) but the whole puppet thing really never appealed to me. The Jerky Boys were the original and as we all know nothing ever beats the first. The good news though, is apparently they are releasing album sometime in 2010. The window may have closed for the Jerky Boys though, as texting, emailing, tweeting, facebooking, IM’ing, sign language, interpretive dancing, two-waying and hieroglyphics have all replaced actually phone calls as a means of communication. Maybe these two fat slobs are the ones to change all that. At the very least they’ll have me and Tom giggling like 6 year olds. So open that page in the book of your life back up, and remember these guys for the icons that they are.

That dog’ll hunt

Video

This video is a bunch of viral videos put together with the Auto Tune. It's actually not that bad in the beginning. If this was a song I could jam to it. I feel like it loses it's luster after the whole "Charlie Bit Me" video. Whoever makes these videos is either talented or have too much time on their hands. I'm gonna go with both.

Who You Gonna Call...Ghost Hunters??

I watch tons of TV. I only watch a limited number of shows religiously, but I still obviously enjoy other shows and will watch them if they're on. One of my favorite shows is the The First 48. It's basically real life NYPD Blue/CSI: (Insert City) and shows you how real cops, who crush doughnuts and coffee, arrest people with names like Tron, or Red. If you're named after a color you know you're a bad ass. Anyway, The First 48 is on A&E. This network doesn't really air different stuff aside from cops and robbers shows, and ghost shows. The ghost shows are the worst.

Now, let me just start off by saying, if there's one thing that scares the crap out of me, it's ghosts. Yes, ghosts. I'm not talking about your friendly, happy go lucky ghosts like Casper, I'm talking about your Blair Witch Project, Exorcism of Emily Rose, Paranormal Activity ghosts. Now, although no one in the history of the world has ever documented or caught a ghost on tape, or even has proof that ghosts exists, there's a side of me that is still scared by the whole idea that there are crazy, evil entities just floating around waiting to fuck with you. Now, I know that is pretty retarded of me, but I'm not nearly as retarded as the people that appear on these ghost TV shows. You see, I have my normal thought process that says "Yeah, ghosts don't exist," which I guess outweighs my 6-year old thought process that says "ghosts totally exist and one lives under my bed."

But again, the people on these ghost TV shows like "Paranormal State" or "Ghost Hunters" just blame any type of sound, or electrical failure on evil spirits. What's even worse is that the people who are a part of these ghost hunting teams get paid to explain all of this shit. What a huge fucking con. I think I'm going to start my own ghost hunting team. It seems pretty fucking easy. Obviously there are going to be bangs, and lights will flicker from time to time, so all you have to do is blame some crazy, evil spirits. After a few days you say "yup, the spirits have left...that'll be $5, 000." What I hate the most about the ghost hunters is that they sit around with little voice recorders and ask the apparent ghosts questions. Yes, this makes tons of sense. Apparently, ghosts only have the capability to whisper very, very lowly into a small recorder. Doesn't that kind of go against the whole idea that ghosts exists? Whenever something does happen on these shows they never really say what it was, or even show it. One of the bros will be like, "Oh man, this room creeps me out, oh man I see a shadowy thing right there duuude..duude its looking at me...but...only..I can see it! RUUUNNNN!" What? Fuck you. These ghost hunters have a very similar job as a children's book author. They get paid to really not do that much.

Song of the Day

Alex Metric-Deadly On A Mission

This Bud's For You...and it costs $250K

Bud Adams is one of the patrons of the NFL. Although he originally made his fortune in the petroleum business, Adams is the most senior owner in the league and a charter owner of the original American Football League with the Houston Oilers. Men like that are highly respected. The footballs used in the NFL still have “DUKE” printed on them in honor of Wellington Mara, Art Rooney was lovingly known as “the Chief,” and both of those families are some of the most respected in all of sports. Ralph Wilson is in the Hall of Fame. So one would expect Bud Adams, who’s 86 years old, to behave like a classy, Southern gentleman. Well, all that came crashing down Sunday afternoon when Adams was caught doing this.

Commissioner Roger Goodell, in usual fashion, came down hard on the billionaire owner, with a $250,000 fine which is pretty hefty regardless of net-worth. As a completely impartial viewer, I have to say I find this absolutely hilarious. For some reason, seeing old people do things they’re not supposed to is awesome. Like the gag in Jackass, or Nick Swardson’s joke. Again, Adams is 86. Old people are supposed to play bridge, get mad at “young hooligans,” and wear orthopedic shoes. Imagine your grandfather sitting at the table on Christmas Day, flipping the bird to the entire family. It’s one of those things you have to chalk up to being senile. Maybe everyone wasn’t respecting their elders, maybe the middle finger was a gesture of endearment in the 1930’s, maybe his diapers weren’t secure enough or his Viagra was acting up, who knows. And it wasn’t just a casual middle finger, it was repeated and deliberate thrusts. Adams probably had no idea what was going on, where he was, or what was appropriate, because he was flipping off his friend Ralph Wilson. I love it, great move by Adams to spice up an otherwise JV game. The bottom line is that old people acting out are hilarious. It’s depressing and sad when they forget the names of their children, but comical when they pee their pants or give someone the finger.

Plus, if I was fined every time I gave the finger to the opposing team, I’d be broke.

Complete derail on the NFL picks this past weekend, probably should’ve just stayed in hibernation. Despite the miraculous comeback by the Colts and the win to keep them undefeated, they didn’t cover. I think New Orleans is squeaking out wins and taking it easy on teams just to rub it in Giants fan’s faces. The Falcons have completely fallen off as an upper-tier team, but they’ll probably beat the Giants next week at the Meadowlands. After hyping up “Matty Ice” for most of the season and shitting on Jake Delhomme, Ryan was outplayed by the by #17 (QB ratings of 57.4 vs. 115.8). The dreaded sophomore slump? Maybe it’s this terrible Gillette commercial. And Denver, what the hell happened? You lose Kyle Orton to an ankle injury and suddenly you can’t beat the Redskins? At least the Bengals did me right and my hatred for Ben Roethlisberger is beginning to resurface at a vicious rate. Hate the unis, love the team.

Week 10:

NFL: 1-4

Total:

NFL: 27-16-1

NCAA: 3-2-2

Pacq-ing Heat

In case you were foolish enough to miss it, Manny Pacquiao (53-3-2, 38 KOs) made a mess of Miguel Cotto (34-2, 27 KOs) in their WBO welterweight bout this past Saturday night at a sold out MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Pacquiao dominated Cotto through 11 rounds and 55 seconds of the 12th. But, I'm not sure what's more impressive: the fact that Pacquiao managed to throw punches from both hands and from every direction, or that Cotto managed to stay up almost throughout the whole fight. Cotto started off the fight great and in the first round it looked like he might've actually found a way to compete against Pacquiao, who has been on fire over the past year (crushing Oscar De La Hoya and embarrassing Ricky Hatton). But, in the end, it was too much for Cotto and the fight was eventually stopped by Referee Kenny Bayless 55 seconds into the 12th.

The 145 pound fight proved to everyone that Manny Pacquiao, who has a historic seven titles in seven different weight classes, is the best pound for pound fighter in the whole world. Pacquiao dropped Cotto early in the 3rd round from what was just a perfectly timed punch. Cotto went down, but looked like he wasn't badly effected from it. Late in the following round, Cotto was dropped again. After that knockdown, it was clear that Cotto was not the same fighter as the first 3 rounds. Although I believe that punch was inevitable, the late 4th round knockdown is what lost Cotto the fight. After that he just wasn't ready to throw a punch that would put him back in it. He couldn't block the punches he was blocking in the first 2 or 3 rounds, but he still managed to connect for some serious blows. Pacquiao responded to these punches by throwing a shit storm of fists at Cotto's face. Cotto got cut midway through the fight and the last 6 1/3 rounds were just Pacquiao turning his opponents face into a Sloppy Joe. But I must credit Cotto for being a fucking pitbull who looked like he could've made it through the whole fight if he really wanted to. Very, very impressive. But while Cotto's face had been absolutely demolished, Pacquiao didn't seem to lose anything throughout the whole fight.

I may, however, be giving Cotto a little too much credit. How dominant was Pacquiao? The punch stats clue you into how redunkerous this man is.

Pacquiao-- Total Punches: 336/780 43% landed Jabs: 60/220 Power: 276/560 49%
Cotto-- Total Punches: 172/597 29% landed Jabs: 79/299 27% Power: 92/300 31%

I mean this man landed almost 50% of his power punches. How could Cotto have done anything to stop this machine? Cotto's wife and kid (don't ask me. I wouldn't bring my kid to a fight either) had to leave in the middle of the fight cause they couldn't watch their father and husband's face get beat in any longer. But not all is lost for Cotto, whose probably fought his last big fight. He made out like a bandit with a minimum $7 million. Pacquiao left with a minimum $13 million. Hey, what the fuck? I'd get my ass beat for $7 mil. If you didn't see the fight, I suggest you watch it next weekend. I believe it will be shown on HBO. It's definitely a classic and should not be missed.

Now the next question is: will Pacquiao fight Floyd Mayweather? I know the Spaniard believes that Mayweather should retire to avoid the fight. Others have their predictions, but I'm looking forward to it just as much as everyone else. This is shaping up to be the fight of the decade. In a interview with Mayweather just after the Pacquiao-Cotto fight, Mayweather seemed anxious to get back into the ring. I believe he said something along the lines of, "If i make $20 million, how can I lose?" Mayweather can't resist the potential gold mine that this fight could, sorry, WILL be. I personally take Mayweather in decision, but this fight is a long way away and we'll have to sit patiently to see how this fight unfolds. In the meantime, go watch the Pacquiao-Cotto fight. I assure you, you will not be disappointed in the slightest.



RENT IT OR BUY IT: Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior
Starring: Mel Gibson and no one you've ever heard of.
Just watched this flick the other day. Absolutely fucking fantastic. Takes place in a post-apocalyptic Australia, where a punch of homo-erotic bandits attempt to steal a large reserve of gasoline from a small village. Mad Max (Gibson) comes in and kills everyone through his exceptional driving skills. One not to miss.

Desperate Times...

TAMPA, Fla. — Florida police say a man arrested for repeatedly calling 911 looking for sex claimed it was the only number he could dial after running out of cell phone minutes. Tampa police said 29-year-old Joshua Basso made sexual comments to the 911 dispatcher and asked if he could come to her house. Investigators say she hung up, but he called back four more times. He was arrested about 15 minutes later at his home late Wednesday and charged with making a false 911 call. Basso reportedly told officers that he didn't think he would get in trouble for calling 911. Tampa jail records show Basso is being held without bond but don't indicate whether he has an attorney. He is listed as unemployed with arrests for theft and other crimes dating back to 2001.

Well, if you think your life sucks right now because your on a cold streak in the boning department just realize that there are people out there like Joshua Basso. Often times people like Basso just opt for the old, STD ridden street hooker, but apparently he decided to keep it safe and call the only number analogous with safety, 911. What kind of drugs was this guy on? I don't care how fucked up you are, you don't call 911 expecting to get laid. That's pretty much like going to a morgue looking for a good party. Just plain retarded, and who knows, maybe Basso is retarded. Check out the picture. It looks like right before they took it they went "Hey Josh, you realize you pooped your pants 4 hours ago and haven't noticed?" Now, again, clearly Basso has some issues and isn't all there, but even 5-year old kids who still eat sand know that if you call 911 without an actually emergency you get in trouble. Ok, I'm done making fun of his retardedness, let's dive into his desperation level. We've all seen someone like Basso before. He's the dude rocking lax shorts at the strip club, hounding chicken fingers from the buffet. Unlike most dudes who just watch RedTube or YouPorn to get their fix when the babes aren't swaying their way, Basso just said "Fuck this, I'm calling someone I don't know and flat out asking them if they wanna bone." Here's the the 911 call. Usually you'd have to date a girl a little while before you ask them if they're going to come over and pull down their pants so you can fuck them, but not with my man Basso. He just goes for it. Does it work? No, never.