Funny Maxim Page

Check out this link it's pretty funny. It shows the difference in how men and women use Google. I have to admit, it's pretty spot on from the male perspective. Click here to check it out.

Slobs And Celebrities: Part II

This installment of "Slobs and Celebrities" actually involves a slob who is also a celebrity...kinda. Again, these posts are strictly out of the envy I have for these guys. Not because of who they are, or how they look, but because they are banging the hottest girls on the planet. So without any more blabbing, here are the two slobs:

Seal

I now know why Seal goes by one name, because this is his full name "Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel." Seal, as we all know, is married to Heidi Klum. One of the most famous supermodels in the world. Why do I classify Seal as a slob you're probably wondering. Well, there are a few reasons. For starters, what the hell is he famous for? Name a popular Seal song aside from "Kiss From a Rose." You can't. That song was from Batman Forever. That movie was out 15 years ago and is actually ranked one of the worst movies of all time. The band Andrew W.K. has had more hits than Seal in the last 15 years. I'm pretty sure the band members of Andrew W.K. are now homeless in the streets of Tijuana. I mean who knows, maybe Seal is making money by selling his albums to day spas, and to the people who set the music in elevators and hotel lobbies but all I'm saying is he's no rock star. Another reason I'm saying Seal is a slob is because he is ugly. Now, that is kinda messed up of me to say because he actually has those scars on his face because of some weird disease. But you know what, scars or not, he's still a weird looking guy. Whatever though, he clearly has a great personality aka a huge dong, because he is married to one of the most beautiful women in the world. Married with children (4 to exact). Good job Seal.

Jordan Bratman

This bro is one lucky son of a bitch. Yes he's married to Christina Aguilera but he's a complete nobody and is definitely lacking in the good looks department. Jordan looks like the guy at your local movie theater who still thinks Airwalk shoes are cool and wears braces. How did Jordan meet Christina? He was working at her record label. Doing what? Nothing worthwhile, probably brought her production staff their coffees or some shit. Nice work Jordan, that's my dream and probably anyone's dream. Doing nothing of importance (being a slob) and having a smoking hot celebrity all of a sudden want you would be the coolest thing ever. I'm sure Jordan just lounges around all day and eats nachos. I know I would. They have a kid together so Jordan is probably set in the child support category if things get hairy. Good job Jordan, I envy you.

New Years? I just wanna party

New Years Eve is just around the corner and I am excited. I hope you all have some solid plans. Whether you're on a vacation somewhere awesome, headed to bar/club or just sitting in your apartment/house for New Years, I hope you're all looking forward to it. Not so much for the year changing from '09 to '10, but for the fact that a New Years bash is an absolute blast (did I just rhyme?). Well, it's blast to a certain point. Have you ever realized that once the clock hits 12:00 and the ball has dropped, the party kinda comes to an end? It's so anti-climatic. You're boozing your face off with tons of your friends and then all of a sudden it turns 12:00 and the party clears out. I know I'm usually close to being blacked out by 12:00 and instead of having a nice, little make out sesh with a girl when the ball drops it always becomes an intense, sloppy and aggressive make out sesh.

Of course right around 12:30 you regret taking those warm Jameson shots to ring in the New Year as you find yourself vomiting right at the bar. The thing is, no one notices. Not even the girl you've been making out with. The vomit right back to a make out is something you just have to do. I've done it plenty of times. Scummy? Sure. Good story? You bet. The girl will always ask "Ew, did you throw up?" You just have to simply respond "Nah, some guy just gave me some Cheez-Its, they leave a weird after taste." Sounds ridiculous right? Trust me, it works.

One part of New Years I can't really get into are those dumb accessories people will wear like glasses or hats that have the year on them. Sure for the past 9 years the whole double zeros made it possible for people to wear those ridiculous things in comfort. I wanna know what those glasses will look like this year with the big numero 1 right down the middle of your eye. I personally don't get too fired up that a year is changing, unless of course it's my birthday. But watching the ball drop, and counting down from 10 has really lost its luster.

What we need is another Y2K. That was awesome. Everyone was freaking out thinking the computers would somehow shut down causing mass hysteria and bringing our advanced civilization back to the stone age. I was 13 at the time and was more concerned about beating Michael Jordan in the 1 on 1 tournament in NBA Live 2000 than being worried about my financial future and overall well being as a person. Bringing things back to a stone age? Yeah sure, whatever, does that mean we dress like cavemen and I can see girl's boobs? I was down. Anyway, with the year changing from '09 to '10, I just want to know what people will be calling the year. Will we say "Two thousand ten?" or "Twenty ten?" I'm gonna start saying "Twenty ten" feel free to join me. Happy New Year everybody!

Video

If you haven't seen this, you have to watch it. It's pretty funny and actually makes me slightly respect The Situation and the other 2 guidos. It's good to know these guys understand they're a complete joke.

The REAL Situation (Feat. MTV Jersey Shore's The Situation, Snooki, and Pauly D) - watch more funny videos

Dirty Laundry

Remember when you first rolled into college? Backwards hat, shorts, rainbow sandals and a colorful frat bro polo was your go to look for that first day. You were letting everyone know what the hell you were about. Which is obviously being exactly like everyone else at your college. You were so excited about everything and by everything I mean the ability to drink every night, while having a threesome with the hottest girls at the school. At least that's what I thought college was about. Boy I was wrong. If there's one thing you don't think about when you first start attending college, it's the responsibility you have to actually take care of yourself. Going to class, eating properly, showering, and doing homework are all things we did as second nature when we were in high school. Yeah you can throw that taking care of yourself idea out the window after about a month of college.

Optional class? Awesome. Bacon, cheese fries on a hot dog topped with butter? That's breakfast. Sweatpants and a hat solve the showering dilemma. And lastly, you don't have homework in college. Just papers and tests. Now, obviously if you have any ounce of self-respect you did take care of yourself somewhat because you didn't want to be stuck hooking up with 4's on a consistent basis. However, one thing you really slacked at, and probably still do after college, is doing laundry. The thing is you get away with not doing the laundry because you own tons of shirts, no one really washes their pants and you dry clean your button downs. There is one article of clean clothing that seems to disappear rather quickly though. I'm talking of course, about your undies.

Every dude knows exactly what I'm talking about. For you laxers out there, don't worry, we've all worn our lax spandex as undies. I know I have. In fact, once I start wearing my lax spandex as undies, that's when I know I have to do laundry. If you don't own lax spandex then I'm sure you have done some really gross things with your underwear. Turned them inside out? Yeah sure that other side is somewhat cleaner but now everyone can see your jizz stains and skid marks. Be sure not to wear those inside-out-undies anywhere in public. Skid marks is quite possibly the grossest thing you can see in underwear aside from a blood stain (oh man, I almost vomited). If a girl spots skid marks in your underwear, you better believe she will never hook up with you again. If she does though, I think you've found yourself a keeper, whose pretty gross. Welp that's it. Wanna know why I wrote this post? I'm wearing some lax spandex right now. I guess it's time to do some laundry.

Song of the Day

This song is two years old, but whatever, I just heard it for the first time the other week and I enjoy it. It's Kanye West-Get Em High set to the beat of "Hearbeats" by The Knife. I guess A-Trak (the DJ who remixed the songs) has an entire CD remixing Kanye's songs. The CD is entitled Sky High: The Kanye West Project. Maybe I'm let in the game with this song, but I've got a feeling the majority of you never heard this. You can listen to the full song, and download it here. Here's a live version of the song as well. Check it out.

Song of the day

I don't know how old this is but a buddy of mine just sent this to me. I hope it's fairly recent, I assume it is. It's a mash up of all the top 25 songs of 2009. It's an okay song, I am more impressed with whoever edited this video. Give it a listen. The list of all the songs are here. And he is also mixes up the top songs from '07 and '08.

Poll Results

Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you all got some sweet presents and enjoyed spending time with your families over the weekend. New Years is coming up and I hope your all excited just like I am. For me New Years is like the winter version of the Fourth of July. You just get absolutely hammered with all your friends and the best part about New Years is you get to make out with a girl strictly because the clock says 12:00. But that's a totally different post I'll write about later. This post is about the recent poll that was up on NC.

Usually here on NC we have really, really retarded polls, luckily that will never change. Often times more than 68 people will vote on these polls. However, after making quite possibly the worst "Would You Rather" question, only 68 people decided to answer the latest poll. The thing is, this recent "Would You Rather" was a no-brainer. I expected everyone to vote for the option of watching Lou Holtz bang your girlfriend rather than watch a porn starring your parents. Fortunately, 63 of you chose the Lou Holtz option, but 5 weirdos opted to watch a porn starring their parents. I truly hope they didn't mean that. Let's be real here. Lou Holtz, one of the most celelbrated college coaches in America, and currently better known as the old guy on ESPN who has the worst lisp in the world, isn't someone I'd want my girlfriend sleeping with. Who wants to see an old man, with saggy balls telling your girlfriend "Lishen, thish feelsh great, lesh shitxty nine or shomething."

No one wants their girlfriend banging another dude, let alone a super old one who sounds as if his mouth is filled with saliva and marbles. But I mean, c'mon, I'd watch gross, old Lou Holtz plowing my girlfriend any day over watching my parents star in a porn. Can you imagine actually watching that? I can't, and I don't want to. Vomit central. I know I'll never have to deal with either of these happening, but do you know whose going to have to deal with one of these? Jenna Jameson's kids. She's pregnant with twins. They will of course be the coolest kids in school. Everyone will want to go over their house, maybe recreate some scenes. I know I'd be best friends with those kids.

Thoughts from Section 337: Goodbye Giants Stadium

Total embarrassment from the G-Men yesterday, in what should’ve have been a historic and enjoyable last game in Giants Stadium. Instead of a fitting final act for a place I consider a football cathedral, and have spent more time and money in over the last 24 years than any respectable human being should, it ended as one of the more embarrassing exhibitions of football I’ve seen. Carolina, who was sans leading rusher DeAngelo Williams, ran for 247 yards, the most in Giant Stadium history. Thanks for the Christmas present Big Blue.

Let’s pretend for a second its 12:30 pm yesterday afternoon, just before kick-off, and we have no idea what the outcome is going to be. Here’s the situation; playoff birth on the line against a team with nothing to play for, last game in historic Giants stadium, former greats like Taylor, Banks, Carson and Morris on hand, and a talented team that has underachieved all year with a chance to get hot. They could make that into a movie, splice it up into highlights with NFL films music playing the background; it would be like Hoosiers meets Remember the Titans. Instead it looked like Saw IV. Somehow, the Giants came out flatter than Kate Hudson and phoned-in the Stadiums curtain call. All the former greats that had come to bid farewell to the home of all their playing memories probably wanted to throw up. With the exception of Eli Manning, Justin Tuck and even Ahmad Bradshaw and Steve Smith, no one showed up. Shouldn’t be surprised though, considering they looked good last week against Washington. The Giants have had a hard time stringing two wins together this year, much like the U.S. special olympic floor hockey team.

Bill Sheridan better start looking at real estate in St. Louis, because I can’t imagine anyone but Steve Spagnuolo wanting him near their team. I know the players have to execute, but the lack of urgency and the half-ass play from the defense reeks of a team giving up on its coordinator. He has no respect anywhere in the organization, and needs to go. The Big Blue has allowed 383 points this year; only Tennessee, Kansas City and St. Louis have allowed more. You have to try to make a Giants defense that bad.

That’s all I’m going to say. This will probably be the last Thoughts on section 337, as I can’t imagine anything good will come out of next week, and emotionally I can’t handle reliving anymore Giants debacles. There will be more later in the week when I’ve cooled off, but for now let’s all be happy the season is almost over and I can’t get back to writing about porn and alcohol-abuse.

Pick results: Week 16: 4-1 Total: 40-29-3

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Merry Christmas to everyone. Even if you're Jewish, Muslim, Atheist or the ever popular Vampire, it's a wonderful day. Christmas Eve went better than expected; I got hammered, and only embarrassed myself in front of my family a little bit. Hopefully everyone got what they wanted. After years and years of asking and being disappointed come Christmas day, I finally got my pony. Anyway, what says merry Christmas more than gambling picks? Christmas is a time for givings, so I took a few extra underdogs. Merry Christmas San Diego, you're probably the best team in the AFC right now and somehow you're getting points. Hopefully that will be the gift that keeps on giving, to me that is. Enjoy the day, and Happy Birthday Santa!

Picks:

Chargers +3 @ Titans

Packers -5.5 vs. Seahawks

Texans +3 @ Dolphins

Jaguars +8 @ Patriots

Steelers -2.5 vs. Ravens

Song of the Day

This song has an actual solid beat to it. Before I heard the chorus I was excited to download this tune. Unforch it's about Tiger Woods. Look, I don't care what you think about the Tiger Woods situation, but you have to admit that he's a complete idiot. You can't go around banging that many broads and think you'll get away with it. You know who gets away with cheating on their wife with that many women? No one. So I don't know what the fuck he was thinking. I never gave my 2 cents on this whole situation here on NC. All I know is, if I was married, with kids, I wouldn't be fucking around. But that's just me. Tiger is still my favorite golfer and will probably be until he ends his career. Kenny Perry did gain some ground on him though, as my man Kenny is my second fav golfer. Welp, check out this tune. I personally enjoy it.

Racist Computers

This video is making its way around the internet. It shows how HP computers are apparently racist. That is some fucked up shit. I thought we were passed this, well apparently not thanks to artificial intelligence. Hell, maybe the computers have evolved and have decided to be racists on their own. Seriously though, this is causing some huge problems for HP. Sucks for them. Good thing I own a Mac. If you happen to be one of those weirdos who doesn't own a Mac and perhaps even bought an HP computer for someone for Christmas, you are going to be sorely let down if you're black. And if you're white, you're just going to be looked at like a racist.

Christmas Celebrations: Now And Then

While we haven’t been really festive or made a point to truly enjoy the wonderful Christmas season all that much here at the Circle, that shouldn’t be interpreted at apathy or a lack of Christmas spirit. If anything, we here at NC are Christmas fanatics. I have a 6 foot tree in my tiny apartment. Do you know how much room a 6 ft tree takes up in a Manhattan apartment? It’s called commitment to the Christmas spirit folks, and my bite matches my bark. But Christmas has changed over the years, not in terms of how awesome it is, but in terms of my approach. When I was little, Christmas day was the best part of the season; I got a ton of presents, ate delicious food, saw my family and just had a blast. Now, it’s the worst day because it means I have to go back to work soon. The past 15 years or so have really changed the holiday, not necessarily for the worse, but drastically different. So that’s what I’m going to really try and bring to light; the differences between Christmas when you’re 10 years old and when you’re 25.

Excitement:
When I was 10 years old, Christmas Eve was like Chinese water torture. I couldn’t get to sleep; I’d be up all night thinking about the awesome presents I was going to crush the next morning. If I could’ve gotten a hard-on, I would’ve had an 8-hour boner. If you weren’t like this on Christmas Eve, you’re either Jewish or a liar. You would wake up in the middle of the night and make your little brother sneak a peak to see if Santa Claus had come. Then, come 7ish, you would thunder down the stairs only to erupt in happiness, ripping any wrapping paper in sight to shreds while marveling at all the sweet gifts you got that year. It didn’t even need to be great gifts; I would be so excited that boxes covered in wrapping paper would have sufficed.

Currently, my Christmas Eve starts with me waking up early, going to work, and then hustling to catch a train home so I can drink with my family. Anyone else notice that that’s what holiday’s become as you get older? Just an excuse to get drunk with your family? I’m not complaining it just seems to lack the zip it had during my youth. As expected there are no more midnight Santa checks or 7 am wake ups. Instead you sleep until noon, wake up hung-over and have a cup of coffee and pancakes before even glancing at the tree Christmas morning.

Gifts:
Back in the day, it was Christmas gifts, plural. You would roll downstairs on Christmas morning to a stack taller than you were. A sweet Lego set? Check. Super Nintendo? Awesome. New baseball glove? Why the fuck not. It was never ending. Your Christmas list was always 98 things long, and you usually got most of them. Except of course for the occasional child-irrationality impossible gift like a pony, or to move to Hawaii or something like that.

Now my list is two things long, usually socks for work and a new scarf. I’m excited when I get a $50 gift card to Best Buy, but I won’t even get anything cool with that, probably just a cover for my phone or something. Plus, when you were little all you had to do was make your parents a coffee mug in art class, it didn’t even have to be good. Write “World’s Best Parents” on a pile of play-dough and you were golden. Now I spend more money buying gifts in a two week span than I get for the year.

Time off:
When you’re little, you get like two weeks off from school. Two whole weeks off from something you hate is a gift in itself. And it wasn’t a normal two weeks of sitting around bored; there was coco to drink, sledding to do, snowmen to build. You’d wake up everyday, have you’re best friend come over and run around in the snow all day like you were on cocaine. It was awesome.

Now, I get Christmas day off from work and that’s it. Otherwise I’m sitting here with my thumb up my ass drinking coffee to stay awake because everyone else on the planet took the whole week off and there’s nothing to do. How did I go from 2 weeks of snowball fights, whipped cream-loaded coco and wearing pajamas all day to 6:30 am wake-ups, bad coffee and a pair of slacks? Seriously, fuck my life

Clothes and dressing up:
Maybe this is just me, but in my younger years I loved dressing up for Christmas. When you wear sweatpants and a “Football is Life, the rest is just details” t-shirt everyday, you take a certain joy in throwing on a sick pair of slacks, a nice button down and a tie covered in Santa Clauses. Maybe you wore the same tie as your Dad, which was sweet, but either way it was fun to get festive, only to spill egg-nog and tomato sauce all over your shirt.

Today, I wear the same shit to work everyday, slacks and a button down. I still spill food all over it but that’s beside the point. Now I use holidays as an excuse to wear comfy socks and no shoes. I wear jeans and a dark colored sweater to hide the wine and food stains I will undoubtedly accumulate. No one feels the need to dress festive cause there’s no little kids running around to cheer up and convince Santa is coming soon.

Family:
Remember when you were little and you would be all fired up cause your favorite Uncle and cousins were coming to town? Your cousin was 15 and cool, knew all the popular music, wore cool Tommy Hilfiger shirts and didn’t have a bowl-cut. Your Aunt and Uncle would tell you how tall you’re getting and how you look so mature. They’d compliment you, and then give you a present. It was sweet.

Now, your once cool cousin has an annoying wife and 2 kids who run around like maniacs. The only thing he talks to you about is why you haven’t confirmed his facebook friend request. Your Uncle doesn’t even come anymore because it’s too cold in New York in December, and the family members that do still show up just tell you you’re getting fat and ask if you’re going to get married soon. It’s like a job interview with alcohol involved. And when you’re young, you don’t really notice/catch-on/care about the minute little family arguments everyone gets into. At 10 you thought it was funny your mom called her brother a “cheating low-life,” cause you didn’t understand it. Now it just makes things awkward.


Really the only two things that haven’t changed in the last 15 years are that I still have the same parents, and I always wish for the Giants to win the Super Bowl.

Am I bitter about all of this? No, of course not, it’s just the way things go. Obviously you weren’t going to be able to maintain the same excitement and process you had when you believed a fat guy in a red suit was bringing you gifts, but I still love Christmas. So I hope everyone gets a day or two off from work, drinks too much with their family, gets that new pair of winter gloves you’ve been dying for, watches A Christmas Story 14 times and enjoys the wonderful holiday we call Christmas.

That dog’ll hunt

Slobs And Celebrities

There are so many beautiful women in the world. The best looking women are of course, celebrities. I mean, if they weren't attractive why the hell would anyone care about them? Personalities? No thanks, fat girls have good personalities, I don't see them in any celeb gossip magazines. If there's one thing that stands true though, it's so many hot celebrities date/marry/bone absolute slobs/nerds/ugly dudes. Most people hate when this happens. Remember how many people hated Kevin Federline? I never hated him. In fact I was beyond jealous of him and if I ever met him I would give him a big high five and say "job well done." I understand most of this anger towards celeb bros who bang really hot chicks exists because everyone is envious of them. Although I give all these dudes credit for taking down some of the best looking celeb tail out there, it still boggles my mind as to how these guys pulled it off. If anything this gives hope to all of us. I'm not famous, I'm definitely a slob but I do have dreamy, make your heart melt, sky blue eyes. Cha-ching, I'm totally gonna date a celeb. Aside from all of this, I've decided that each week I will post two bros who are currently dating/married, or at least have dated/married a really hot celebrity. Please comment on who you think is the bigger slob/nerd/douche/lucky son of a bitch, thus making him more respectable in my eyes.

Jamie Mazur: This dude is my pick as the luckiest guy in the world. His current fiancee, Alessandra Ambrosio, is hands down my number 1 on my Top 10 babes list. She is absolutely incredible. She is the epitome of good looking. Now this guy is apparently a "businessman" from California. Yeah, most "businessmen" wear low top Chuck T's, v-neck shirts and pre-ripped jeans. Want to know what kind of business he's involved in? He sells jeans to college campuses. I don't even know how that works? I'd feel like a girl would respect me more if I told her my day job was writing for a blog rather than selling jeans. Anyway, Jamie is not only engaged to this Brazilian beauty but he also has a kid with her. Smart move Jamie. This dude will be collecting child support from Alessandra if things in the relationship go sour. If I were this dude I'd quit the whole jeans business and just become a full time stay-at-home dad to make sure my smoke show of a soon-to-be wife was always happy. What do you people think?

Joseph D. Reitman: Now, although this guy is no longer with Shannon Elizabeth, according to my go-to source for college papers, Wikipedia, they've never finalized their divorce. So technically this guy is still married to the girl every dude jerked off to during our middle school years. I can't even tell you what else Shannon Elizabeth is in, and you know what? I really don't care. Once I saw her great boobs in American Pie I was sold. I've been in love with her ever since. Regardless of her fame, she's still a 10. And look at this guy, I mean, he must have a huge dick or some shit. This guy is a fat slob. He was with Shannon for over 10 years! Apparently this bro is an actor. Really? What the hell have you ever been in Joe? Tough break for Joe though, after his split from Shannon he's now dating professional poker player, Annie Duke. Woof. This dude definitely deserves some credit because even though he looks like a homeless, child molester, he did bang one of the hottest girls out there. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

Getting De-Tagged

In the ever growing social connected world we live in, there is one thing that reigns supreme. I'm not talking about Myspace, or Twitter or AOL 27.0 (it's gotta be around 27 by now), I'm talking of course, about Facebook tags. I rarely go on Facebook anymore as I found I am better at openly stalking a girl in public compared to if I just stalked her in the privacy of my TV room at 4 o'clock in the morning with my laptop. You see the Facebook Stalk is not for me anymore. I mean, I used to love Fbook stalking, but as I began to realize, most pictures don't really show what the girl really looks like. I mean, sure you can tell a lot about a girl by her Facebook profile, such as her interests: THETA!, shoes, James Franco, vino (you're so cultured), (insert city she studied abroad in), (insert her favorite bar), The Hills. We all know numerous girls with similar Fbook interests, in fact I'm pretty sure that's the majority of girls in the U.S.

Anyway, back to what I was getting at; a girl can look like a 10 in her pics and then when you finally meet her you realize why she never fully smiled in any of her pictures (missing 2 aesthetically pleasing teeth) and that whatever camera she was using should be used by the people on the Proactiv commercials because I never noticed those skin blotches in any of her pictures and those zits are tough to look away from. However, when I get notifications on my RichBerry that I have some Facebook tags I don't think there's anything better, aside from a BBM of course. I'll immediately find the nearest computer to check out what the tags are all about. If you're a bro, and you try to avoid the de-tags at all costs, just know you're not the only one. I try to avoid the de-tag at all costs as well. Some people obviously feel different about this. Oh, you're scared someone that interviewed you at UBS will somehow see the picture of you licking a girls face? That's why you de-tagged it? Not because you look like an overweight, unshaven, sexual predator?

If there's one thing I love about photos, it's listening to people's reaction to what the picture they just took looks like. "Oh that's a nice one of us."---Translation: "Oh, I look good there, I didn't even bother looking at anyone else in the photo." Of course, there's the opposite to that too, "Ew, I don't like that picture I look so fat and my face looks strange."--Translation: "Shit! I look how I normally do, oh and I also didn't even look at anyone else in the picture again so, whatever, just fucking delete it please." I don't mind when I look like a retard in some pictures and you shouldn't either. That one retard moment of yours is forever frozen in time. I say embrace it, cherish it. And if you really want to de-tag it to forget that "crazy night" just remember, de-tagging will not erase those memories. But do you know what will? Weed and booze.

Song of the Day: XMAS Style

This song is better known as the jam Kevin McCallister sings when he's looking in the mirror slicking back his hair going for the Patrick Bateman look. It's also one of my favorite Christmas tunes.

The Drifters-White Christmas

Thoughts from Section 337: Merry Christmas and the Emergence of the Bear

Nothing can get a team and its fan base to step back from the ledge like a game against the Washington Redskins. The Giants once again looked like a group of actually professional football players, total domination from start to finish. I’m not going to go into detail about the “return of the Giants” because my greatest fear is another phone-in performance next week against the Panthers. I will say that Jim Zorn’s fake field goal at the end of the half, which I can’t even describe because I haven’t seen it since middle-school football was the worst call I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised his punter, Hunter Smith, even went out to attempt it, he had a 60% chance of being murdered during the play. What I DID really like from last night though was the good games by guys who aren’t the usual suspects. Derek Hagan snagged a touchdown, Jonathan Goff played well at middle linebacker, and Will Beatty stepped in fine for Kareem McKenzie. But I really want to focus on two guys.

When starting guard Rich Seubert went out after Bradshaw rolled up on his knee, my friends and I were worried. Kevin “Cottage-Cheese Ass” Boothe was coming in to play significant minutes at guard. Well despite his amorphous body type and oatmeal-butt, Boothe played really well. Yeah his whole mid-section jiggled hilariously during the replay every time he pulled, but it got the job done. The jiggle is almost a necessity though; you can’t read his number because his pants are pulled up to his nipples, so there’s really no other way to identify him. But when you see a red and white blob of ricotta cheese streaking across the screen, you know who it is.

But the man of the night was the newly active Giant, Bear Pascoe. I should’ve known it was going to be a good night when the first play of the game was a screen to Bear Pascoe for a nine yard gain. But I think every Giant fan had the same reaction at the time; “Bear Pascoe?” Where did this guy come from? Who the hell is this international man of mystery, and why is his name Bear? The stories were flying around the room last night like a Bill Brasky skit from SNL. “Bear Pascoe has fathered children with every Victoria Secret model,” “He earned the name Bear by killing a grizzly during a wrestling match” or “Bear Pascoe ran a 4.3 forty at the combine with John Madden on his back.” So of course, we had to get some background on our new favorite Giant. He was a 6th round pick out of Fresno State by the 49ers this year, and after spending the first few months on the Giants practice squad, was activated December 4th. Well, despite his awesome name, awesome catch and allegedly awesome life, Bear Pascoe turned in a pretty mediocre performance at the combine.

40-yard dash: 4.95 (16th out of 16 among tight ends)
Vertical jump: 26.5 inches (16th out of 16)
Broad jump: 8’11” (16th out of 16)
3-cone drill: 7.65 (16th out of 16)
20-yard shuttle: 4.55 (13th out of 16!)

So while Bear plays in the NFL, slays super models and parties with rock-stars, his physical abilities are a bit under par. But what he lacks in athleticism and skill, he makes up for with heart, hustle and the name Bear.

According to his bio though, his real name is McKenna but earned the nickname Bear by “by running tough after contact and doubling as an award-winning cowboy (calf roping).” Yes, that’s correct; he is an accomplished rodeo roper. Nothing gets chicks wetter than an accomplished rodeo roper, who in his spare time plays tight end for the Giants.

Picks: Last two weeks were a peak and trough type deal, and my win-loss spread is rapidly narrowing after a hot start. Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you.

Week 14: 4-1-0
Week 15: 0-3-2

Totals: 36-28-3

Driving In A Winter Wonderland

How about this insane snow storm this past weekend? Of course, if you don't live in the Northeast you have no idea what I'm talking about. But for those who know what I'm talking about, I hope you had a fun filled night in the whiteout. I was in NYC and let me tell you what, when in doubt, take the fucking subway. I didn't want to walk to a subway because I was far from any stop, the sidewalks were filled with snow and I was pretty drunk, so I decided to grab a cab. Not only were the streets terrible, but my favorite cab driver in the world, Butt Mubashir, had no idea how to drive in the snow. You think Delhi, India gets a lot of snow? No. So when his left windshield wiper broke, and I had to inform him that you can defrost your back windshield I knew I was in for the ride of my life. His windshield wiper broke as soon as I got in the cab and the traction on the cab tires clearly are not what they should be. He would just slam on the gas whenever the car started swerving, which obviously made the cab swerve even more. This was really enjoyable. At times we'd be 10 feet away from getting T-boned by other cars or we'd be inches away from tail whipping a bunch of pedestrians.

Getting into accidents in cabs is nothing new to me. I've been in cabs before when they've gotten into accidents and in fact, Spaniard and I were once in a cab together when our cab driver decided to not pay attention and rear end the shit out of the cab in front of us. Good times. Anyway, after traveling 5 blocks in about 15 minutes during this snow storm I was utterly regretting grabbing a cab. To make matters worse, he would either rear end the car in front of us when he stopped or we would get rear ended by the car behind us. It was like bumper cars, but instead of laughing, having fun and rocking an orange soda mustache, I was frightened, texting everyone I knew so if I died they would know by the fact I wasn't responding to their texts anymore. It's weird to think that I legit thought I'd die in the back of a cab driven by a man named Butt. After about 30 minutes I eventually reached my destination, a Christmas party at my buddies apartment which by the time I got there had ran out of ice and any mixers for whiskey. It would've been good to know this before I poured some whiskey in a glass. Let me tell you, whiskey-cranberry is really tough going down, especially at room temperature.

In an unrelated story, Brittany Murphy died. This is sad and pretty crazy being that she was only 32. According to the Daily News she suffered from cardiac arrest while taking a shower, and if that's the case, then wow, I'm not showering anymore. Now, for most people my age she will always be remembered as the chubby, not really that hott, "rolling with the homies" girl from Clueless. Sure she was in other stuff but when I think of Brittany Murphy, I think of Clueless and I guess that creepy movie where she said that infamous line, "I'll never tell." Brittany Murphy did get hott though, really hott actually. So aside from making movies I wouldn't see anyway, I will miss your good looks Brittany Murphy and of course, your voice as the character, Luanne, in the longest running show that I'm pretty sure nobody has ever watched ever, King of the Hill.

Song of the day

This is a solid remix of Kid Cudi's jam. Check it out and turn up the volume.

Weekend Post

Well, our bad for not posting anything in a while. I wish we had some legit excuses but as usual you can chalk it up to plain old laziness. To make amends, I'm throwing up the rare weekend post. Soak it in cause it doesn't happen often. The weekend post is like getting struck by lightning, winning the coin drop game at McDonald's or finding a girl that loves football AND giving blowjobs.

Real quick DOTW. My good friend, and your best purveyor of useless facts, borderline retarded anecdotes and offensive comments about women, Tom, completed his undergraduate requirements this week and barring some disaster where he fails a class called "Sexual Citizenship," will finally graduate from college. Way to go Tom; it only took six years, tons of your parents money and 2 dozen STD tests to get through it. Now all he has to do is live like a normal human being. Because sleeping till 2, eating Doritos and wearing sweatpants is not a paying job. Best of luck.

Stumbled across this website ealrier today, thought people would enjoy it. Fortunately for us, NervousCircle.com can't really be manipulated into anything hilarious. It reminds me of this old SNL skit. Check out the site below and laugh your balls off.

http://independentsources.com/2006/07/12/worst-company-urls/

Also, just as a heads up keep your eyes peeled for a new NervousCircle video coming soon. We did bring the world the now famous Ultimate Lax Bro, so you know it will be good. Hopefully Brobible.com won't steal the idea from us again.


Picks:

Packers +2 @ Steelers
Bills +7 @ Patriots
Cardinals -12 @ Lions
Texans -14 @ Rams
Titans -3 vs. Dolphins

I'm Here to Win a Bowl Game...and a PS3

Any blue-blooded American male loves college football bowl season. Yeah the pundits say there are too many, and they’re just excuses to make money for the schools and the sponsors, but the concept of a smorgasbord of extravagant college football games over a month’s time is awesome. And for a lot of these guys on lower-level teams, this will be the highlight of their athletic careers; the culmination of a lifetime of blood, sweat a tears into a sport they love. But success on the field and the glory that comes with it is not the only cool thing about going to a bowl; bowl gifts are pretty sweet too.

We’ve all seen the jump suits, the gear or the occasional I-pod mini these players get, but I think most people would be surprised to see some of the goods these bros get their mitts on. Laptops, watches, Bose stereos, cell phones, recliners; all legit stuff. And this isn’t just the BCS teams; you get a Sony gift suite and a watch for finishing 6th in Conference USA. Seriously, look at the link at the bottom; the BCS National Championship game has some of the weakest gifts on the list. And look at the Cotton Bowl, it doesn’t release what gifts it give. You know what that means? Its gifts suck. Probably get a shirt that says “I played in the Cotton Bowl and all I got was the lousy T-shirt.” Certain bowl games also give regional gifts, like Hawaiian shirts and leis at the Hawaii bowl, oversized belt buckles at the Texas Bowl, or cut-off jean shorts and a trailer park in the St. Petersburg Bowl. It’s not just a game and a grab bag, it’s a cultural event.

The NCAA permits each bowl to provide $500 worth of gifts to be awarded at the bowl site. The new trend however, is not just giving gifts to the players; it’s giving shopping sprees to the teams. A least half of the 34 bowl games to be played this year chose to give the participating players a $500 shopping spree instead of just standard gifts. “Look, it just doesn't make sense to kind of guess on an electronic item, a branded item and just guess what kids want,” says Steve Hogan, CEO of the Florida Citrus Sports. Got to hand it to him, it really doesn’t make sense; the brain-trust at Little Ceaser's pizza picking out gifts for a bunch of young huge black dudes? It would be like that lady on your block who gave out raisins on Halloween growing up.

Now, these shopping sprees are limited to what they call “gift suites.” Meaning, the players get $500 to spend on a Sony suite or a Best Buy suite, where they basically have a $500 gift card to each place. But can you imagine if they bowls started giving players flat out 500 bone sprees? It would be hilarious; 100 meat-bags rampaging through a mall out of control. You’d be at the mall near the Orange Bowl and the line from footlocker would be out the door; there’d be no Jordan’s left over for all the Jewish kids from the suburbs to buy. Panda Express would be out of food, there would be no more PS3’s in the entire mall and the jewelry stores would be overflowing with huge young dudes buying diamond studs, not just middle-aged men trying to squeeze some sex out of their wives with a gold necklace.

So while the players on these bowl eligible teams are probably practicing hard, watching film and getting mentally prepared, they’re also thinking about what they’re call sign is going to be in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.

http://collegefootball.rivals.com/content.asp?CID=1028134

Foot Chases

The other day I was watching this terrible movie, Knowing, starring Nicholas Cage. It was really bad, like just as bad as Wicker Man, Bangkok Dangerous, Ghost Rider, National Treasure: Book of Secrets and pretty much the majority of his movies. Anyway, in this terrible movie there's a scene where Nicholas Cage is chasing a dude and he's yelling at people to "stop that man!" We've seen this scene in tons of movies. Usually a good guy is chasing a bad guy, and for some reason the bad guy is faster, more agile, and better at running through unrealistically crowded sidewalks. Anyway, the good guy will usually shout out something like "Someone stop him!" In most movies if they yell this line an unsuspecting bystander will take down the bad guy. Just like in Superbad when McLovin "tackled" that old guy in the restaurant. Anyway, these are movies. As we should know by now, movies are fake. Some people tend to not realize that, or there are those people who have bigger issues with the more "realistically likely to happen" situations in movies than the ones that are so far from reality. We all know people like that, someone will take Spiderman movies as better representing reality than say, Knocked Up because "dude, a girl that hot would never bang an ugly dude like that." Oh, right, but a nerd who works for a newspaper is definitely more likely to get bitten by a mutant spider which then gives him the ability to have superpowers.

Anyway, sorry I got off topic, back to my main point regarding the foot chase scenes in flicks. Whenever a bad guy is stopped by some random bystander it irks me a little because I think this is not a very good representation of what would happen in real life. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I know for a fact I would not stop someone running full tilt, particularly if he was being chased by another dude whose rocking street clothes. If it was a few cops chasing the guy, I could potentially see my self sticking my foot out to trip the guy, but thats only if the cops are in uniform. Otherwise, I'd just go about my business. "Heyyy, stop that guy!" Umm, no thanks. Plus, imagine if you did stop the guy from running and it turns out he was just running for his life because the dudes chasing him were crazy, insane murderers. You'd feel pretty bad and probably lose some sleep over the fact you were responsible for someone's death. I also realized something, if I was chasing someone running full speed I wouldn't be able to properly pronounce every word I say. Instead of saying "Stop that guy!" it'd probably sound like "stupid gay!" Or I'd just say something that didn't make sense like "Aahh, aaaah fffuccahh" Much like the girl did in Happy Gilmore when he got jacked by the car. So the next time your watching a movie and there's a foot chase scene involved, just think to yourself "Would I stop this guy from running?" I already know my answer is no, and if your anything like me, yours will be too. Wellp, that's it. Fuck the Eagles.

Thoughts from Section 337: F Me

This is a tough one to do after last nights mail-in performance by the entire defensive unit. The emotional ups and downs of the Giants game last night was too much for me to handle, I think I aged 15 years sitting through it. I felt like Moonlight Graham if he was getting mugged in a dark alley while watching the end of Little Big League. Throw in that I skipped my favorite show Dexter’s season finale and all-in-all it was a total derail of a night. I should’ve just punched myself in the face and jerked-off to midget porn; would’ve been more fun and saved me the 3 hours.

Offensively the team looked solid. When you put up 38 points and 512 total yards of offense, you’re supposed to win. Eli was 27 of 38 for 391 yards and 3 TDs. But of those 11 incompletions, it’s not a stretch to say 8 should’ve been caught. Bad drops and turnovers killed them. And I know I’m walking a fine line here because I don’t like to question play calling, but a 2nd and goal pass to back-up tackle Kevin Boothe was a waste of a play. Eli taking a knee would’ve been a better call. Fuck, I would’ve liked Justin Tuck at quarterback more. Ultimately their worst enemy was the 11 dudes on the other side of the ball. No not the Eagles defense, the Giants.

Did the defense even show up? Did they bother to scout the Eagles of prepare for what the do offensively? No pressure, no coverage, no sense of urgency. They couldn’t get a stop, every third down felt like Michael Jordan taking the last shot of a hoops game; you always knew he was going to make it. The Eagles didn’t have to rely on meticulous clock eating drives; every other play went for 20+ yards. I’ll admit it; DeSean Jackson is really good, but Sinorice Moss would’ve put those same numbers up against the defense last night. Aaron Rouse would not be able to cover me and I’m dead serious about that. I’m far, far, far from an NFL player, but I used to have some wheels in my day and I am positive I could smoke him 1-on-1. I’m challenging him right now; calling him out on this little read, poorly written, useless information website. Aaron Rouse, I want a 1-on-1 competition with you. Bill Sheridan, step into my office, cause you’re fucking fired. Again, don’t like to question play calling, he went back to a few zone blitzes which makes me want to throw up, but just the utter lack of preparation or fire on the entire unit falls on you mi amigo. You can’t put guys in position to fail, like single covering Aaron Rouse on a Reggie Brown. You are a dead man walking. You have moved slightly a head of Tim Tebow on my “People I Despise” list. Just ahead of Tebow, just behind the Jonas Brothers.

The Giants had first place on the line in last night’s game against the hated Eagles. How can you not bring intensity on the defensive side of the ball for a game like that? To be honest, it would be a bad thing for me if the Giants rallied and made the playoffs. It would give me that small glimmer of hope for them to go on a run, only to have my heart ripped out with a first-round blowout loss to Arizona or the Eagles again.

DOTW: Heisman Edition

The biggest award in all of college sports, the coveted Heisman Trophy, is being handed out Saturday night and the race is panning out to be closer than usual. One of five finalists will join the most selective group in all of sports. Every year the announcers refer to it as a “fraternity,” but I don’t think the finalists have to chug warm gin, elephant walk, or get paddled to get in; I don’t think Mark Ingram would take too kindly to that.

Not to be outdone by legitimate websites and intelligent people, we here at the Circle are going to do our own Heisman rundown and ultimately predict the winner. We look beyond the stats, delve deep into the character of each finalist. With the exception of a select few (see Chris Weinke), the Heisman trophy winner should fill a certain mold. Herschel Walker, Archie Griffin, Reggie Bush; men among boys. This crew is lacking somewhat in that department. Here goes.

Mark Ingram

Pros: Best player on the #1 team in the country. Not only are his numbers insane for a running back in the SEC (1,542 yards, 15 TDs), but his genes are top notch. His father, Mark Ingram Sr. was a standout receiver for the New York Giants, and is currently the star on the New York State Penitentiary team. Sons of convicts always seem to make good football players, its science. Unfortunately for Sr. its nothing like the Adam Sandler re-make of “The Longest Yard.” There’s a dramatic increase in number of shankings and sodomy in real life vs. that crappy movie. Extra points from us here at the Circle for his aggressive mocking of the Gator chomp with Julio Jones as Tebow cried on the opposite sideline last Sunday.
Cons: The weak game against Auburn is what all the “experts” are pointing to, but we know better here at the circle. Will the exclusive “fraternity” allow the son on a convict in their club? I don’t buy the “heart-warming story” thing, but most given his family history I wouldn’t want to piss him off.

Toby Gerhart

Pros: Second in the nation in rushing (1,736 yards) first in touchdowns (26). Consistent week in and week out. Statistically probably the best of the group.
Cons: He’s a white running back. He get’s comparisons to John Riggins not Herschel Walker. Want to know the last time a white non-quarterback won the Heisman trophy? It was 1973, ole’ John Cappelletti, the galloping guinea from Penn State, and I’m sure you’ve never heard of him. Plus, Gehart goes to Stanford and is a good student. Did you see that interview with smoking hot Jenn Brown on ESPN during the awards last night? Dudes a total dork; it looks like his interests are football, World of Warcraft and Star Trek: The Next Generation. Good students don’t win the Heisman, they play a little college football, graduate with honors and go work for SunTrust Bank after a stint in the CFL.

Ndamukong Suh

Pros: Widely known as the most dominant player in college football this season.
Cons: Plays defense, which everyone tells me wins championships but it doesn’t win Heismans. And I don’t think they would put Chris Fowler in the situation of having to correctly pronounce his name on national television Saturday night. I have no idea how to correctly say it and that would just be embarrassing for him.

Colt McCoy

Pros: Led his team to 13-0, solid numbers (3,512 yards, 27 TDs, 70.5 completion %). Smoking hot girlfriend, loved him and his brother Rocky and DumDum in 3 Ninjas.
Cons: Was one second away from being the biggest goat in college football on that retarded air-mail ball he threw in the Big 12 Championship. How can a guy who was behind the KICKER for player of the game honors be a candidate for college sports biggest award? My biggest problem is that he looks like he’s 12. He could be the blonde Brady Bunch son or Jesse McCartney’s stunt double. The first time you saw Colt McCoy did you have to double check whether or not he had down-syndrome? I know I did. And I’m pretty sure he still has his baby teeth. Can’t give a guy like that the Heisman.

Tim Tebow

Pros: My irrational hatred of Tebow makes it impossible for me to list anything about him I like. Great player, but I wouldn’t let him pet my dog.
Cons: Although we are divided here at the Circle (Tom loves Tebow, I hate him) I think it’s fair to say that crying on the sideline following the loss to Alabama all but sealed it that he wont win his second Heisman. Look, I’m all for emotion and caring about the game and your team, but if you’re going to act like a chick at the end of Marley and Me keep your fucking helmet on. It was a classic Tebowism; him just trying to show the country how sensitive he is and how it means everything to him. You know what else showed those same emotions? Julio Jones and Mark Ingram doing the aforementioned Gator chomp in his face. Suck it Tebow.

So with all the votes (3) tallied, NervousCircle is predicting the winner to be…Mark Ingram. Not just for his stats, but for his overall demeanor and character. Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if the voters pull the “whole body of work” argument and give it to Colt McCoy. Based on Ndamukong Suh butt-fucking McCoy’s long-horns all night like a scene from Monstersofcock.com, I’d be a little disappointed if he won.

Picks:

Jets -1 @ Buccaneers
Dolphins +2.5 @ Jaguars
Texans -6 vs. Seahawks
Chargers + 3 @ Cowpies
Cardinals -3 @ 49ers

World Cuppin' It Up

I know this is a little late coming, but with the Tiger news, the Giants and general laziness occupying a lot of my time, it took us here at the Circle a few extra days to come around on something pretty awesome. I’m talking of course about the United States’ draw in the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Somehow, someway, the US ended up with the country we’re forever linked with and most compared too; England. An old fashion grudge match; Stars and Stripes vs. the Union Jack; fish-n-chip’s vs. cheeseburgers; the Underground vs. the Subway; dental hygiene vs. chewing on rocks. It’s going to be epic. It’s got to be the most hyped first-round preliminary match of all time.

Personally I love the World Cup. Not so much because I like soccer, I actually don’t really like it at all. What I do love is any opportunity to aggressively route for a team from the United States in any international competition. Does anyone watch competitive swimming on a weekly basis? No. But when Michael Phelps is about to smoke some Aussie in the 200 meter butterfly, the whole country tunes in. For all of its flaws, America seems to ooze national pride to an almost insane level during international competitions, no matter how absurd. Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh won Olympic gold in beach volleyball for the US and they’re household names now. Can anyone name one other professional beach volleyball player? C. Thomas Howell from SideOut doesn’t count. We love to love America, and America loves sports.

Now, the fact that the US is playing its former ruling Empire England will add a special touch to the whole thing. Despite our allegiances and similarities, most people in each country spend a majority of their interaction talking about which country is better. I’ve been to London, had a great time there too. Drank a lot, saw the sights, met the people; but it doesn’t even compare to the say, New York. England’s food sucks, their beer is warm, the hygiene is terrible and their haircuts are gross. Traditionally they are better at soccer yes, but whenever that argument comes up it’s easily shot down by a hypothetical suggestion. Who’s the best athlete in all of England, Wayne Rooney? The USA is too good at every sport to even concern themselves with soccer. Imagine if the US, like England, bred all young men to play soccer from a young age. If it was the only thing these guys ever played and devoted their lives to instead of their respective sports. I think our starting 10 would be:

Goalie: Dwight Howard
Defense: Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald, LeBron James
Midfield: Andre Johnson, Adrian Peterson, Chris Johnson, Darrelle Revis
Forwards: Chris Paul, Reggie Bush, LaDanian Tomlinson

We’d win the World Cup every time. Granted it’s a pretty hefty amount of speculation, but I don’t think Wayne Rooney or David Beckham would score too many goals with those monsters defending them. It’s just a testament to how awesome America is. We’ll be just fine with the team we’ve got. Our second tier athletes play soccer, and we’re still a top 10 team*. Now, I know a lot of dudes (myself included) who work in offices with a lot of English blokes (England talk for “bro”) so the environment could get tense. This is something these guys live for, and an opportunity to be better than the US in something is one they wont take lightly, so all us red, white and blue loving bro’s are going to have to come out full force in support. I can’t wait to get my USA jersey, crush a few Budweisers and pretend I have any idea what I’m talking about on June 12th. It’s going to be an awesome crush.

So with that all said, make sure your calendar is free 6 months from now and get ready for a USA-England clash. Worked out real well for them in a little thing called the Revolutionary War.

* I don’t want a rash of comments about how I called soccer players “second tier” athletes. They’re obviously incredible athletes, I’m simply saying they’re not freaks of nature like LeBron James or Randy Moss.

God Bless America.

It's Not A Roofie, It's Vodka!

Apparently scientists have decided to take crushing to a whole other level. I enjoy crushing shots, cocktails, brewdags, pretty much anything in my path when I'm locked in "Party Bro" mode. When you're not holding on to a drink or even just a cup at a party you feel weird and alienated kinda like that one black kid who was part of your senior prom group. Well, now that all might change, a scientist in where else, Russia, has made a powder form of vodka that can be made into pills. Oh, awesome, now instead of blowing adderall or coke at parties they'll be ripping lines of Mohawk, Popov and Fleischman's. This could lead to some fucked up situations. "Oh what I just put in your drink unsuspecting buzzed girl? It was a little pill of vodka..not an Ambien." In the article they say this could help people know exactly how much alcohol they consumed leading to less alcohol related injuries/problems. Yeah, you see they already have that capability, it's called a shot glass. Plus, I already know my limit on alcohol, it's like 500 beers, duh. I'm not saying this isn't cool, because it is, it's fucking really cool. But let's be real, what's gonna happen to cocktail parties? People just come over and bring their own little vodka pills in some sort of birth control case looking thing? You sit around playing drinking or would just be called "swallowing" games? Instead of quarters you just try and toss the pill into someone's mouth. Screw beer pong, "Vodka Tongues" is the newest craze. B T Dubbs, if that does happen..I came up with that game, you heard it hear first. I don't know when these pills will hit the market but when they do I'm sure they will be one hot seller. Until then, lets keep downing shots using that Hard Rock Cafe shot glass you stole from your freshman year roommate.

Clerks, Not The Movie

How much does it blow when you go to any type of store and the person behind the cashier desk decides to engage you in a conversation you have no interest in engaging yourself in? It's not that they're trying to be douchey towards you or anything, but I usually expect the usual from a clerk: "Will that be all? Ok, have a goodnight" Simple, standard, and nice. I know tons of you have been in these situations. Your usually in a bad mood, or in a rush and the person in front of you is paying 7 dollars with just nickels. Next thing you know, some random neck tattooed, pregnant woman with a tongue ring is chatting your ear off about her ex-boyfriend whose the father of the unborn baby. You just nod, force a smile and keep looking around as if somehow, someone will see your situation and jump into rescue you.

I don't know what's going on, but recently people at gas stations and the grocery store have decided to express their concerns going on in the world with me. In the past two weeks alone, I have heard some of the most ridiculous stories coming from some of the most uneducated people I've ever seen. The other day at this local gas station I got some gas and ran inside to grab some munchies. Now, this isn't exactly how the story went but it's the same concept they were trying to get across, also, for some reason, the less educated people no matter where you are tend to have a slight southern accent. I'm not saying people are uneducated in the South, I'm just being observant. Anyway, this is how it went:

Clerk: Just Doritos and a Vitamin Water?

Me: That's it....(Why the fuck did you say "just" for? I'm not high or fat)

Clerk: You go to the college up here?

Me: Yeah, I do (oh fuck balls, here comes a convo I do not want to partake in)

Clerk: What you studyin'? Lemme guess, business?

Me: Um, economics.

Clerk: Ooh really? So you gonna save us from this depression? I'll tell you what all these big banks should be shut down and everyone should be thrown in jail. They knew what they's doing this whole time. Then they gets bailed out and payback the government, it's clear they's didn't need the money at all, they all liars. You learn that up at the college?

Me: Ha..um, not exactly...aah that (just give me the fucking bag you put my munchies in, holy shit lady)

Clerk: Yeah, well they should, you givin' em all that money too. Man, theys just like the banks!

Me: Ha, (force smile) yeeaaah...(grab bag and leave)

Like, what the fuck people who work at the cashiers. I mean you already have a stereotype for working as a clerk making minimum wage, don't prove that stereotype by starting a conversation on a topic you know nothing about. Hell, talk to me about your meth problem, or how many packs of cigs you crush during the day, not about Obama's Cap and Trade proposal. I may not know anything about meth but it sure looks like you do, so please feel me in on the wonders of how your teeth fell out and why your face has purple blotches all over it. For all of you reading this right now, the next time you find yourself in a dead end conversation with some kid who never attended college, just simply say "I like wolves more than bears." Anybody whose ever heard someone say that immediately parts ways with that person. It's true, its a conversation kryptonite. Welp, that's it. Later.

Song of the Day

Jay Sean-Do You Remember

Are You Growling At Me?

Guess who's bizzack? Still the smell the blow on my clothes, like Krispy Kreme, I was cooking them O's. Nah I'm just fucking with you, that's what my boy Young Jeezy was doing. I was just being extremely lazy and procrastinating my balls off which forced me to do all this work last week. Ugh, I haven't done real schoolwork all semester, I didn't know what I was getting myself into, much like Billy Madison in the 3rd grade. But now the time has come. I only have one week left of official college, and when you've been in this false reality for as long as I have, holy shit I do not want to leave it. Things could be ten times more creepy and weird for myself but I've only been at SLU for 2 years so most people just probably view me as a junior stud, or the older kid, whose still a stud. But that's besides the point, what I really want to write about is something that happens to us at least once a week, hell I bet it happens to some people everyday. I'm talking of course about the stomach growl.

Man, ever since I could remember my stomach would growl 45 minutes before lunchtime. I'd be kickin' it in elementary school just straight crushing fools in Connect 4 and all of a sudden, "BLLUUURRRHHHAAAGGG." I knew it was my stomach growling but the babes around me assumed the worst and figured I farted. They would be turned off and head over to unshowered kid who was dominating kids in Battleship. Anyway, as middle school and high school came and went I realized I was never alone in the stomach growling business. Tons of people's stomachs would growl and I'd always see that when there stomach growled they would all get the same awkward face. It's the kinda face you make when that slow kid you know tells a terrible joke but you have to kinda smile and feel bad at the same time. People are embarrassed by the stomach growl. You know what, I can't blame them. It's just such a weird sound and it only tends to happen during silent moments. Maybe during a meeting at work you're sitting around discussing some important issue and your boss will ask, "So, what do you guys think?" No one responds but your stomach sure does. Everyone looks at you, and the next thing you know, you're working at Best Buy starring in those "real employee" commercials.

If the stomach growl wasn't so loud it wouldn't be a big deal, but it pretty much sounds like someone is moving heavy furniture in your stomach. I personally get a little weirded out when a girl's stomach growls. I don't know why, maybe because of the whole "girls don't fart or poop" thing, and the stomach growl is a close relative of both the fart and poop. I know I'm not alone in feeling weird when my stomach growls. I try shifting in my chair, tapping my pen against the desk, maybe even covering it up with a fake cough as many of us already do with our farts. But for all you readers out there, lets put an end to this. Lets embrace the stomach growl. It's just our bodies way of saying, "Yo broheem, next time, just get the sausage, egg and cheese, it will hold me over until lunch." OH, in unrelated news, what's up GMEN.

Thoughts from Section 337: "Paging Dr. Faggot"

Good to be back in the win column. Was at the game again, last one of the year, rocking the fresh new white Tuck jersey over the blue Kenny Phillips. Worked out well. Sat in the usually seats, but next to a morbidly obese gentleman, spilling over into my seat who kept offering me his extra pair on gloves. He slugged a Poland Spring bottle of Captain Morgan early on, and I knew we would get along. Plus, his enormous body kept me warm. G-Men finally looked like a professional team once again, and may have saved their season. In a week where some defensive changes were made by Tom Coughlin to try and get something sparked, the G-Men responded.

Offensively, good to see Brandon Jacobs still capable. And not just on the 74 yard screen pass from Eli where he broke an arm tackle at his feet for the first time in his career. Even though he only carried 13 times for 39 yards, he was physical on all his attempts, pushing piles and falling forward. O-line played better too, opening holes and holding DeMarcus Ware in check as best as any line can. Eli had moderate passing numbers, missed a few throws and Steve Smith dropped a touchdown pass, but the passing game came threw when it needed big plays. Hakeem Nicks is a full blown stud, they have to get him the ball more often. Terence Newman, a great corner, was giving Nicks a 12 yard cushion. He knows what a thoroughbred this guy is.

The mix up seemed to work defensively and the fact that Osi got benched but didn’t complain and still played a decent game shows he’s an actually adult, not some annoying diva- defensive end ala Julius Peppers. Most important though, Bill Sheridan abandoned the bullshit zone where defensively linemen end up in single coverage on Jason Witten. Just one week though, and fully expect Sheridan to have the urge to out-think himself and start dialing it up again. When you hold the Cowboys to 45 yards on 23 rush attempts, you’re doing something right. The young bucks Jonathan Goff and Clint Sintim stepped in at linebacker and played well. Maybe there is hope for that unit after all. Pass defense sucked as usual, letting Tony Romo go 41 for 55 for 392 and 2 touchdowns. Even Corey Webster got smoked a few times as he continues to revert to his pre 2008 playoffs self.

Domenik Hixon. Giants’ fans always complain about not making big plays on special teams. With Lawrence Tynes missing chip shots, kick-offs going to the opposing teams’ 15 yard line, and return game that makes people yearn for Ron Dixon, you stepped up huge. The punt return TD wasn’t just finding the seam and hitting it either; Hixon broke tackles, adjusted to his blocks and out ran the coverage team. Dig it my man. Also, props to Mathias Kiwanuka for not taking shit from all-pro dirt-bag Flozell Adams after his cheap shot at the end of the half and getting in his face.

Quote of the day: With the Cowboys fans spilling out with a few minutes to go, one Giants fan was ripping on some dude in a Romo jersey, saying “Hey Romo…paging Dr. Faggot…paging Dr. Faggot!” I figured it was too good for him to have come up with on his own, and a buddy pointed out it’s from The Hangover. Still, have to commend the comedic timing, I laughed the whole way home.

Picks:

Including the two non-Giants Thanksgivings games, had a derail two-weeks, going 2-5 in my NFL picks. My once impressive record is narrowing; I’m fading down the stretch like a Marty Schottenheimer playoff team or Wade Phillips in December. Split Thanksgiving with the Packers covering and the Raiders getting smoked, but went a pedestrian 1-4 yesterday. Adrian Peterson apparently is not a half-man half-stallion, as the Cardinals (yes, the Cardinals) shut down the Vikings run game. Betting against the Colts for the first time bit me in the ass, and the Patriots are back in the penalty box for blowing it against the Dolphins. Did I really bet on the Buccaneers this weekend? That had to be a typo right?

“Digging the rejuvenated Bucs” –Spaniard, 12/4/2009

Shit. I guess I did. Hey, at least my Rams gamble worked out.

Didn’t bet on them, but how ‘bout the Alabama Crimson Tide? Love it.

Week 12-13:

NFL: 2-5

Total

NFL: 32-24-1