Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Causing a (Hannah) Shit-Storm


Aside from his brief and terrible stint on Monday Night Football, I’m a big Tony Kornheiser fan. Obviously I’m a big fan of Pardon the Interruption, and I’ve seen him speak in person and he’s hilarious, brutally honest, and generally not afraid to answer any questions or piss people off. And since we have an appreciation of obnoxious and offensive comments, we here at NC give Tony a big stamp of approval. But now Tony may have put his foot a little too far in his mouth. As I’m sure everyone knows Mr. Kornheiser has been suspended from ESPN for “some time” for making comments on his radio show about anchor Hannah Storms outfit.

“Hannah Storm in a horrifying, horrifying outfit today. She's got on red go-go boots and a catholic school plaid skirt ... way too short for somebody in her 40s or maybe early 50s by now...She's got on her typically very, very tight shirt. She looks like she has sausage casing wrapping around her upper body ... I know she's very good, and I'm not supposed to be critical of ESPN people, so I won't ... but Hannah Storm ... come on now! Stop! What are you doing? ... She's what I would call a Holden Caulfield fantasy at this point."

Although Kornheiser apologized, the damage was already done. Was her outfit a little ridiculous? No doubt about it; it certainly merited a joke at some point, whether on camera or behind her back when him and Wilbon go out for beers and hookers. But a full fledged attack, featuring a JD Salinger reference on it was a ballsy move, and it clearly backfired straight into his face. As much as we like to make fun of women, minorities, idiots, religious people and ourselves on this site, you cross a line with women when you go after three things.

The first obviously is their weight. This is a no-no that even Kornheiser recognizes. If you want to get kicked in the balls, then make fun of a woman’s weight. The second is their age, and the third is their clothes, both of which Tony obviously covered. And not only did he say her age, he even OVERSHOT it with the “maybe early 50’s” line (she’s 47). Now, it may be hard for guys to really grasp exactly how much these mean to women. We make fun of each other for everything, but were a lot more callused than women; they’re sensitive. And although I probably have no idea either, I’ve developed an analogy.

-Making fun of a woman’s weight is the equivalent of making fun of a dudes dick size and sexual prowess; it really cuts to the bone. No chick wants to be fat, and no dude wants to be a chump.

-Pointing out a woman’s age is the same as making fun of a dude who can’t drink. Every chick wants to look younger, and every dude wants to look like they can crush beers. Both develop methods to make it look like they can, and when all that work is exposed, it’s no fun for anyone.

-And finally, making fun of a woman’s clothing is the equivalent of questioning a bro’s fan-hood. Women identify themselves by their style and apparel, much in the way I identify myself as a New York Giants fan. Don’t question a woman’s sense of individual style, and don’t question my irrational obsession with a professional football team.

My favorite part of this whole charade is Tony’s actual apology.

“I apologize unequivocally. ... I was wrong. This is sort of what I do, and I'm sorry for it. ... Not the first time and won't be the last time but I apology for it this time."

And his apology on his radio show:

“(I’m) a sarcastic, subversive guy... I'm a troll; look at me. I have no right to insult what anyone else looks like, what anyone else wears."

Perfect Tony. Usually self-deprecation is the key back-peddling from a dumb comment, but Tony earned points in my eyes for basically admitting that he’s done this before, and he’s relatively confident that somewhere down the road he’s going to say something so offensive it merits a suspension again. He’s not going to change who he is or how his does his job, he’s going to take his licks and pick out his next target, hopefully Stuart Scott. And when I take a step back and examine the whole situation, I come to two realizations. One is that, although her outfit was ridiculous and she is 47, I’d smash Hannah Storm no questions asked. She looks great for her age, and regardless of real-world physical attractiveness, an extra 1-1.5 points must be added (on the 10 point scale) for a chick that talks about sports for a living.

And the second? Tony, I love you, but you wear what is without a doubt the most ridiculous attempt at a comb-over I’ve ever seen. It’s Homer Simpson-esque. Tony is 62 years old, but if someone had given that as an over-under, I would’ve bet big on the over. He looks like the love child of Mr. Burns and Scooter from the Muppets. So let’s get our game right, and instead of calling out the 47-year-old cougar with a tight body and “fuck me” boots, maybe come to grips with your non-existent hairline and keep the comments to yourself. With that said, I think ESPN biffed by suspending Kornheiser. This is what he does, he makes fun of people. And although women can be sensitive about their clothing, nothing he said was overtly sexual or offensive, except maybe the age thing. If anything, they should give him and Storm an hour special hosted by the two of them; just let them go back and forth making fun of each other. Sure it will probably end with viewers being offended and Storm in tears, but hey, that’s great television. And at the very least, we’ll never see those boots again.

With that said Tony, you’re still the man. Keep up the good work.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Now that outfit would look better on a chick in mid twenties but the fact Tony choose this to make fun of when Hannah has worn much worse is crazy. The fact of the matter is I would deffinetly plow her not for the fact of her being atractive but because she is older, she talks about sports, and she dresses like a stripper. She better be a freak in the bed.