I’m not sure if that was actually Tiger Woods or a robot that looked like him making that speech today. Seriously, I don’t think his facial expression changed once, and it looked like all he could do was rotate at his waist and nod his head. Carefully selected blue shirt and blazer; very basic, non-threatening. And no tie of course; he’s not at a funeral. He’s just a regular joe trying to work out a kink in his marriage. He might swing by Dunkin Donuts and pick up a coffee and a bear claw after this. I love it. How bad did Tiger really want to wear a “The Man-The Legend” shirt to the podium for this? I would’ve given him a standing ovation for that, right in the middle of my office. I love that even Tiger Woods, the one guy who really should not give a fuck what anyone thinks, has to go through this staged charade. Michael Jordan would never do this. You know what he did when there we’re alleged issues (i.e. gambling) during his career? He went and played another sport. That’s not an apology, that’s an “I’m the fucking man” statement. His Airness always had rumors of infidelities surrounding him, but now all anyone ever whispers about is how smoking hot his new girlfriend is. And as intimidating as Tiger is on the golf course, his borderline threats to the media about “leaving his family alone” were pretty weak. I mean, being the most intimidating guy on a golf course is like being the hottest fat chick, but still, I’ve never looked at Tiger before and thought to myself, “I could whoop that guy’s ass.” Today I felt like that.
But Tiger, you didn’t owe me an apology. The only people you should have to apologize to are your wife and kids. You didn’t let me down dude, you were never my role model, and do you know why? Because I suck at golf, I’m white and I’m not a millionaire. I can’t use you as a role model because its pretty much impossible you and I will ever have anything in common aside from the fact that we both really like sex. So I just admire your lifestyle from afar. Bottom line, Tiger is a total G. I would still love to be Tiger Woods for a day. If a genie popped out of some lamp and granted you three wishes, I think 95% of the men in the world would say, “be a millionaire, bang a swimsuit model and play golf everyday.” Tiger has all that, and STILL wasn’t satisfied. That’s how much cooler Tiger is than all of us. Our fantasies are boring to him. So save the apology and the attempt at the “normal guy” image Tiger; maybe throw me a few bills or one of the porn-stars you were tagging instead.
But Tiger was flowing along, doing the typical “I let my family down” spiel, and I started to lose interest. Then he busted out the secret weapon I never saw coming; the religion card! Throwing around Buddhism like he’s Richard Gere. We all know Tiger is half-Chinese, half-black, but this is the first time he’s ever tried to exploit his Asian side. “No, no, you don’t understand, I’m a Buddhist, and I’ve lost my way. Oh, you didn’t know that? I’m only the most watched athlete in the world, of course the heavy influence of my Buddhist faith wouldn’t be known by everyone on Earth.” Totally awesome move by Tiger. So he’s already used the two best defenses of his wrong-doings. The “I have a problem” tactic was evident when he checked himself into sex rehab, and now the “religion” tactic that his faith will guide him towards reconciliation. That’s really all the American public needs tiger.
But just when you thought he couldn’t contrive any other way to appear as an apologetic, broken man, he busted out the ultimate empathizer. The Mom hug; the absolute money shot. “Hey, his mom still loves him, she even gave him a hug! Maybe we should just sweep this all under the rug.” Then he followed it up with a series of bro-hugs with 4 or 5 dudes who looked like total dorks. “Look, his bros stood by him. Bros over hoes dude….bros over hoes.” I mean, if there has ever been cannon fodder for a Saturday Night Live skit, this is it. The writers over there are licking their chops.
But again, America loves the “come-back kid.” I just think Tiger needs to get it together, come out and birdie the first whole he plays and shut-everyone up. Ray Lewis was an accomplice to murder, but as soon as he made a tackle for a loss in his first game he went back to “future hall of famer” from “murder accomplice.” And what did Ray do? He played the religion card. This is America people, we shouldn’t ask our icons to apologize for shit like this. 40 something years ago our President, John F. Kennedy was banging Marilyn Monroe on the side. You may have heard of JFK; he's on the fucking half-dollar. Wilt Chamberlain, another iconic athlete, claimed to have slept with 20,000 women during his career. That’s 19,989 more women than Tiger allegedly slept with. It’s a depressing sign of the times. Back in the day Wilt was idolized for banging that many women. Today all that gets you is herpes and a press conference. So Tiger, we here at NC still love you; you just need to forget all this appeasing everyone crap and get back to making Phil Mickleson look like a joke.
Take the Kama Sutra. How many people died from the Kama Sutra, as opposed to the Bible? Who wins? - Frank Zappa