Friday, February 26, 2010

Top 5 Things You Never Want To Hear Your Girlfriend Say

This seems like it would be a post written by Tom, but it is actually written by the Nervous Circle foreign correspondent, yours truly, Jim. This has nothing to do with Germany, or Europe or anything foreign for that matter. The idea came to me the other day when my girlfriend said something horrible to me... And, with that, I give you the number 5 worst thing your GF can say to you.

5. One day I'm going to stick my finger up your ass. - Clearly this is terrible. This is a statement that nobody ever, EVER wants to hear. But, the thing that got me was the suspense... "one day..." Will it be today? Tomorrow? Will she do it during sex? Or while I'm doing the dishes? Basically for the rest of our relationship I have to live in fear. For some, they might think this should be higher up on the list of terrible things a GF can say, but in reality there are much worse things that can happen to you. It's going to happen one way or another when we get our prostates checked by our doctor.

4. We can't have sex. - Well, this just straight up sucks for two reasons: Number one, obviously you can't have sex. Number 2, it is most likely that time of the month and your girl will be even more moody and angry at you than usual. Some guys might actually be happy with this thinking that she is forced into giving you blowies for a week, but for most of us it means cuddling and watching Scrubs. Or there is always the alternative to just run the red light, play it old school, but I'm over that stage of my life. I'm not an 8th grader anymore.

3. I want to break up with you. - Nobody likes to get dumped. Especially if you really like the girl, then it really sucks and you'll be a sad, whiny bitch for awhile. Even if you don't care that much, the fact that she broke up with you just means that she liked you even less than you liked her.

2. I'm pregnant. - First thing that goes through your mind, "please be pro-choice." Second thing, "Why didn't I pay more attention in health class?" She'll ask you what do you think and you'll say, "It's your body and your choice." When all you are really thinking is please get an "A Word" ( abortion), I mean this is something no teenage dude or young 20 year old bro wants to hear. Your life flashes before your eyes and all you see is a 1 bedroom apartment and the head managerial job at Mcdonalds. But, there is still hope with this statement, which brings me to the absolute worst thing a guy can hear his girlfriend say...

1. I'm keeping it. - This is a bomb few young men recover from. Your hopes and dreams have now been crushed and that fear of being broke with a kid in a 1 bedroom apartment working the night managerial shift at Mcdonalds has become a reality. Don't get me wrong, I want to have kids some day, but just not right now. I can't even remember to bathe myself, how the hell am I going to take care of a kid?

Hope this wasn't offensive to any of the female readers at NC. Maybe we'll do a list of things a guy should never say to his GF. Has that been done already?

OK, take it easy city slicker.



Anonymous said...

Jim. I know you're probably the man (not being sarcastic) since you got the privilege to write the NC but I though NC was about telling stories that involved pissing yourself in a drunken slumber, finger banging a chick at the bar, and the Yankees. Weak post bro (not like I could do any better though). The only thing good you can say about GF's that might be funny (but is pretty standard) is that they are awesome for cheating on or banging in the morning after being blacked with bros the night before.

Black-Hercules21 said...

Jim, what did your girlfriend tell you? It wasn't that she was born with a penis right? That's probably the worse thing a girl could tell her boyfriend.

Ricky Blacksburg said...

This was the worst post in nervous circle history.
You guys have really diluted the product by adding this no talent wannabe. Go back to europe. Mw4l

Anonymous said...

Just a bad post. #2 and #1 could be great things to hear. Also #2 the first thing that should go through your mind is "is it mine". anyway you should never post again.