Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Wanna Get Away? Sorry You're Too Fat


We’ve all enjoyed some Kevin Smith movies over the years. Clerks was a classic; Mallrats is definitely one of the funniest movies of the past 20 years, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, although crude and childish, was hilarious. But I think Kevin Smith gets a little too much credit and hype about his movies. Chasing Amy? That was fucking terrible. Dogma? Ehhh, I watched it, but I didn’t really have anything else to do. Clerks 2, Zach and Miri Make and Porno sucked, and I think three people saw that Ben Affleck movie about being from Jersey. Bottom line is that Kevin Smith had his run with a few good flicks, but in reality he’s a hit-or-miss writer/director who benefited from the comic emergence of Jason Lee and a generation of stoners idolizing the dude who plays Jay. Playing the “hey, I’m just a regular, self-deprecating guy from Jersey” card has run its course. People want vampire love sagas, Harry Potter and hipster movies where people where skinny ties, not vintage hockey jerseys. But Kevin Smith is apparently not ready to sink further into the realm of obscurity. He needs to stay relevant in today’s twitter based, TMZ pop-culture anyway he can, even if it means sheer embarrassment.

Smith was apparently pulled off a Southwest Airlines flight over the weekend in California not for security reasons, or his behavior, but because he was deemed too fat to be on the flight. That’s no misprint; he was just too damn fat. Obviously Smith has begun a smear campaign against Southwest Airlines vowing to “scorch the earth with complaints,” and posting an onslaught of angry messages on his Twitter account, which has 1.6 million followers. How the hell does Kevin Smith have 1.6 million followers? How do that many people care what Kevin Smith is doing? Put it this way, Justin Timberlake has 1.7 million followers. Isn’t my man JT significantly more popular right now than Kevin Smith? I guess not. But back to the fat issue. This is embarrassing, and obviously he’s going to do what he needs to turn himself into the victim. “Dude, I know I’m fat, that’s not why I was thrown off that plane because I fit perfectly in the seat,” said Smith, who is claiming that he was thrown off the flight because an airline employee didn’t like his films. Really Kevin Smith, you think someone would go to those lengths just because he didn’t like Chasing Amy? Seems a bit excessive to me. I don’t think the flight attendant was malignant enough to kick you off the flight because he/she doesn’t like the Silent Bob character. Those people watch crappy movies all day at work; they’re pretty immune to it by now. So I doubt they’ve been holding a grudge, just waiting for Kevin Smith to get on their plane one day so they could kick him off. If that’s the case, that person has bigger issues and is most likely a serial killer or a virgin, or both. Southwest issued an apology Monday, saying they were “sorry for how his night unfortunately played out,” and that they, “could have potentially handled the communication better. Bullshit Southwest, there’s no need for you to apologize because Smith’s need for junk-food is insatiable. Southwest has a “customer size” policy in which

"Passengers that cannot fit safely and comfortably in one seat to purchase an additional seat while traveling. If a customer cannot comfortably lower the armrest and infringes on a portion of another seat, a customer seated adjacent would be very uncomfortable and a timely exit from the aircraft in the event of an emergency might be compromised if we allow a cramped, restricted seating arrangement.”

Seems pretty straight forward; they’ve got a policy, and they need to enforce it. It’s all about safety. I mean, I sat next to John Runyan on a flight once and he was fucking huge so I know how obnoxious it is when a large person is sitting next to you. I guess he could get his arm rests down though, which apparently Kevin Smith could not. When an NFL left tackle can squeeze into a coach seat, and you can’t, you need to reevaluate your lifestyle.

Here’s the kicker though. Smith did purchase two seats for the flight, probably in anticipation that he couldn’t fit comfortably in one seat. But he boarded an earlier flight as a stand-by, and only got one seat. So isn’t this completely Smiths fault for a) being obese and b) getting on an earlier flight? His defense was “I’m flying on the welfare airline, food-stamp airline so I think I can indulge myself with two seats, and I can afford to do it.” I’m sure you did this to “stick it to the man” and you fly Southwest all the time because you’re “so down to earth,” even though you called the affordable airline the “food-stamp airline.” That’s very blue-collar, Jersey boy of you. Truth is Kevin, you’re a spoiled fat-ass, and you have to book two seats for the hour flight from Oakland to Burbank because of this. I’m sure he books two seats hoping he’ll get an extra in-flight meal too. “I’m never going on Southwest again,” the director said. Smith, you’re a fat Hollywood star, do what all the other ones do and charter a private jet. That way you can have all the room/ sausage and peppers you need. You shouldn’t have been on Southwest to begin with; it’s cheap because it’s for people who don’t make millions of dollars. So let’s stop blaming Southwest Airlines because you’re overweight and you haven’t made a good movie since the Clinton Administration and take a look in the mirror, bro. Your baby fat and dirty beard aren’t “ironic;” they’re unattractive.

Although, I do want to see Cop Out.

Never discuss philosophy or politics in a disco environment. – Frank Zappa

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Way to post something that has been out for days....pick your shit up its no wonder brobible is better