Hipster Haircuts

Living in New York City, especially the East Village, I see my fair share of interesting characters. Homeless people, crazy drug addicts, different ethnicities and of course, hipsters. Now, I don’t really have anything against any of these people; sure homeless dudes ask me for change, and occasionally entertain me by singing some terrible rendition of a Bill Withers song, but for the most part we stay out of each others way. Same goes with hipsters; we rarely have any interaction, I don’t know too many of them, and unless they run me over with their old rusty bike, we’re cool. But I can’t help but question an aspect of being “really cool” nowadays that makes no sense to me. I’m talking about hipster haircuts; I’m sure I don’t have to go into serious detail because I assume you all know what I’m talking about. There are many different variations of these new dos; the “shave the sides, long hair swept over the forehead” look, the “perm'd Mohawk” style for dudes, or the “long bangs, short sides, generally disheveled” look for chicas. The common denominator is that they all look generally ridiculous and relatively filthy. They spend lots of time and money on their wardrobe, but refuse to clean their hair. “Hey, what will go really well with my skinny tie? Ahhh, yes, a mullet-swept-bangs combo with patches on either side!” Nice look dude, good luck on your job interview with that.

But I’m not here to rip the hipster style as much as I’m here to get answers. I can’t try and stop a fad; I can only try to understand it. Where the hell do you go to get a hipster haircut? Are there specific barber shops that specialize in trashing someone hair or do you just let your friend go to town at your apartment and hope for the best (or worst I guess)? When my one black friend needs a shape-up, he goes to his black barber where they talk about basketball, ribs and rap music. When I need a trim, I walk down the street to an old Italian guy who doesn’t know how to use clippers. So where do these guys go to get a high and tight perm’d faux hawk? The tattoo parlor? The hardware store? I have no idea. I mean, you can’t walk into a regular barber shop and try to explain one of these dos to Aldo the 70-year old who doesn’t speak English; he’ll look at you like you have three heads and just end up giving you a buzz-cut. I don’t even think a dog groomer would allow themselves to do that to someone’s hair. So my assumption is that you need three things; a pair of scissors, a set of clippers, and a friend as “cool” as you who’s willing to crank up the Dashboard Confessional, roll up the sleeves on their tight flannel shirt and go to work. But again, it’s a shot in the dark.

Look, I can take the oversized, oddly colored Wayfarers, the ironic facial hair and the Chuck Taylors; I love Chuck T’s. Hell, my roommate is one of the most hip/ambiguously gay dressers I’ve ever seen. But the haircuts are something I’ll never understand. You’re wearing a $300 cashmere sweater dude, you can afford a $3 bottle of Suave shampoo and a normal haircut. You work at Starbucks, you’re not exactly “sticking it to the man.” I’m sorry you’re dad tried to make you play catch when you were little, he was just looking out for you. I’m not a hair guru; I don’t go to a salon, I get $15, generic cuts that don’t get compliments or derisions. I prefer to wallow in the middle and not draw attention to myself. I can go home and not disappoint my parents. Try and remember one persons’ hair you saw on the subway/on the way to work today. Do you remember the dude with the standard cut, or the chick with the blue highlighted tangled mess? Probably choice B.

And aren’t these the same hair-cuts that gothic kids were rocking a few years ago? Didn’t the kid in the black Jncos, the Slipknot shirt and the black nail-polish have a shaved-sides swept bangs do? I think so. But apparently all you have to do is throw on a cardigan, start smoking cloves, listen to Eliot Smith, and hate your dad slightly less and you are a hipster.

Let me finish by saying that not all hipsters do this to their heads. There are plenty of dudes who dress hip, but are normal dudes. And more often than not, hipster chicks are smoking hot model/actress types trying to be on the cutting edge of fashion, who I’d love to tag. The unfortunate thing is that these chicks dig a dude with outrageous hair and not me. But again, I’m not here to question their motives or character. I’m sure deep down they’re good people. I’m just looking for some answers on what outrageous barber shop actually takes payment to destroy someone’s hair. And that’s what we try and do here at NervousCircle; give people answers.


There are three things that smell of fish. One of them is fish. The other two are growing on you. – Frank Zappa