Hoaxes and Urban Legends

So as we’ve all found out, Joaquin Phoenix apparently hasn’t completely lost his mind. The elaborate beard, rap career, complete drug induced delusional behavior has apparently been a hoax this entire time to generate some hype for his mockumentary, I’m Still Here. Touche Mr. Phoenix; you had us going. Boy is my face red. How throwing away two years at the peak of your fame is a good career move is beyond me, but I guess it worked cause everyone is talking about it. Nobody’s going to go see the movie, but people are still talking about it. Some folks have gone as far as to call it a “great performance.” Not sure I can totally agree. I’m no Oscar nominated actor but I’m pretty sure I could completely abandon all hygiene and cares and act like an intoxicated fool no problem. In fact, I do that most of the time anyway. So where’s my “bravo?” When I sit on my couch, stoned, unshowered and incoherent, people call me a waste of life. When Joaquin Phoenix does it he’s the next Marlon Brando. Just seems like a double standard. Only problem is I don’t have millions in the bank. Joaquin will be on David Letterman tomorrow night (Wednesday) making his first return since his now infamous, bizarre appearance awhile back.

Personally I’m a little disappointed. It's always a relief to see someone besides me hit rock bottom. It was nice to be able to point to a successful, talented, wealthy Hollywood actor and say, “at least I’m doing better than him.” I don’t even have that anymore. Really the only thing interrupting me from sitting in front of the TV in sweatpants eating raw cookie dough is the fact that I need to work just to buy said sweatpants and dough.

But Joaquin’s hoax made me think of some of the more famous blatantly untrue rumors/urban myths of the past few years. Nothing quite like trying to figure out if a retarded rumor is true or not. So here we go. My (Personal) Top 5 Rumors and Urban Legends of All-Time.


5) John Clayton’s Ponytail

If you’re a football fan, you know who John Clayton is. The dorky, fragile, undeniably ugly senior NFL writer as ESPN has been rumored to wear a ponytail for years now. The ponytail was allegedly the reason he never appeared in studio (always via feed) and never turned his head. Not that significant of a rumor, but hilarious in it’s context. I mean, look at that guy; he probably has a hard enough time getting laid as it is. Why on earth would he rock a ponytail? It’s just gross. And if he did, why would he go through so much trouble to hide it? But this is the beauty of rumors; the more odd and stupidly irrelevant they are, the more traction they get. So it’s a good starting point for the rest of our list. Oh, and it unfortunately is completely false.

4) John Basedow died in the tsunami

This is the blueprint for making up a celebrity rumor. It should be someone who is technically only a borderline celeb, and combine it with something so outrageous, you have to think to yourself, “you can’t make that shit up.” Basedow, the creepy dude from Fitness Made Simple commercials, dying in a tsunami 4,000 miles away? I mean, you can’t make that shit up. Well actually, someone did. And we all go a good laugh out of it. Well, all of us except John Basedow.

3) Paul from the Wonder Years is Marilyn Manson

This may be before a lot of our readers times, but The Wonder Years was a fucking awesome show. Paul Pfeiffer, played by Josh Saviano, was the lovable tall, skinny dork. It’s not outrageous to believe that Marilyn Manson, a creepy, tall, skinny dork, was cut from the same mold. The best part about this rumor is that obviously Marilyn Manson wasn’t going to debunk it. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about his public image. By poor Josh Saviano probably has to defend his name against being confused with a cross-dressing weirdo 25 times a day. He claims to be flattered and not care, but Saviano went to Yale for fuck sake. He’s an associate at a law firm; how can it possibly be good for his career to be confused with someone who was arrested for indecent exposure? “Yo dude, did you hear that Paul from the Wonder Years is Marilyn Manson?” “Yeah, I did hear that. But I am Paul from the Wonder Years. Fuck you and fuck my life.”

2) Wade Boggs Crushed 64 Beers on a cross-country flight

This is a heavily debated myth of bro-tastic proportions. We’ve discussed this Hall of Fame crush before. Wade Boggs, baseball and facial hair legend, allegedly drank 64 Miller Lites on a cross country flight. The myth continues to stay relevant because there are so many unknowns (the cities he was flying to and from, the amount of beer etc.) But regardless of its truthfulness, any guy who has a well traveled legend bout him drinking between 30 and 70 brewskies deserves to be high on the list.

1) Bill Murray in Union Square

I’m sure a few of you have heard this one. Whether or not it’s true, it’s fucking hilarious. If you can picture Bill Murray saying to you “no one will ever believe you,” and not laugh your ass off you’re probably a piece of shit. This myth works so well because, although none of us know Bill Murray, this doesn’t seem so outrageous coming from him. Most people would get arrested for something this bizarre, but we hold Bill in high regard for something like this. I mean, this is Carl Spackler; Peter Venkman; Phil Connors. And that’s what makes it the best myth ever. In fact, sometimes I cruise around Union Square late at night, hoping Bill Murray will strike again. But usually I just end up getting begged for change by a hobo.