The Great Equalizer

As a site devoted to the art of bro-ness (despite out recent lack of posts), we feel to improve our capabilities as purveyors of the lifestyle, we have to do plenty of research. And by research, we mean hanging out with the bros. And by my count, hanging with the bros usually entails a trip to a bar, watering hole or other place that sells beer.

Every group of friends has that one dude who never has cash on him. You don’t hold it against him, it’s just his thing. You are fully prepared for it when you hang out with him. So when you split a cab or grab a bite, you spot him a few sheckles, no big deal. Maybe he’s lazy; maybe he’s poor; most likely he’s just an idiot because you let it slide. And why do we constantly let this slide? Because this bro, and all bros, are armed with the one great line that allows this behavior to go on.

“Dude, I’ll buy you a beer.”

(Also acceptable, “Dude, I got your first beer,” or “Bro, I got the next one.”) Buying a beer is the great equalizer; it doesn’t matter what the original transaction was, you know at some point you’re going to end up at a bar. The dude didn’t have $4 for the cab? He’ll buy you a beer. Was short a few for the pizza delivery guy? The next Bud Light is on him. You spot him for a lap-dance at the strip club? Utah, make it two. We’ve all used this; it’s not just reserved for the guy who never has cash. It’s a simple, yet effective system that even goes beyond actual monetary debt. You’re not gonna expect your bro to actually pay you for helping him move a couch are you? Of course not; he’ll just buy you a few cold ones. And the “I got your next beer” rule has the power to supersede other bro-laws. For instance, if you lose a bet, you gotta pay up. This is a man-law written in stone since the beginning of time. So what if you took the Steelers -1.5 and lost $20 bucks to your buddy but you can't pay up right now? Get him a beer or two, and you’re even. And you don’t even have to be friends for the beer currency rule to be in effect, it’s just something a dude should know. Any good bro knows that the only way to smooth over one of those drunkenly stumble into some guy and spill a drink all over him moments at the bar is to buy the dude a beer. Sure the dry cleaning bill on his Ed Hardy shirt is more than the brew costs, but he’ll appreciate the gesture and you’ll both avoid looking like retards fighting in the corner. Beer is the currency of the bro lifestyle, and no matter how much one dude owes the other, “I’ll buy you a beer,” makes it a clean slate.

But apparently it’s also against bro-etiquette to question the buying of a beer as the great equalizer. All bros recognize this, so it rarely becomes an issue. So occasionally, this dude will abuse the entire system. Like when you buy him a Yankee ticket, expecting he’ll pay you back when you meet up before the game. “Thanks dude, I’ll get you a beer at the stadium.” Yeah, I know Yankee stadium beers are an outrageous $10, but that doesn’t really cover the $90 I threw down for these seats. Make it a beer and a shot and we’re even. Simply put, you can’t go against the rule. As long as the dude buys you a beer, all is forgotten. Because for every time you get the raw end of the deal, you know there will be one soon where you come out the winner. And over time (in some cases many, many years) these things will even out. And if they don’t, I wouldn’t worry. I’ll get your next beer.