Song of the Day

Video Chat Russian Roulette

A good friend of mine, fan of NervousCircle and former DOTW winner, Jeremy Sieverts told me this weekend about this particular website. As soon as he told me what the website was about, I stopped what I was doing (watching a movie) and immediately found a computer. The website is called, Chatroulette.com and all you do is video chat with random people from all over the world. Like anything on the internet though there are some weirdos on this site, just sitting there with their pants down, jerking off. Now aside from the weirdos beating off, there are some babes you can talk to from all over the place. It sounds creepy right? Oh, believe me it's really fucking creepy but when else can I talk shit to a bunch of German kids about World War II? You might say you can talk shit to some kids on Xbox Live or PS3 Live, well sure, but I don't play video games that much to begin with and I like staring at the person I'm talking shit to.

The only true reason to go on this site is to of course, talk to smoking hot babes. Not in that creepy, "to catch a predator" sense or even in that, "I'm looking for love" E-Harmony sense, but just more of that, "these 4 chicks from Brazil are hot and I will never see them again so let me say some of the dumbest shit to them and see what happens" sense. I know this sounds creepy, but go ahead and check it out, I guarantee you love it. The best part about the website is when you don't want to talk to someone anymore you simply press "Next" which comes in handy when you see a dude just sitting there spanking it. Welp, check it out.

G-Reg, drop my drawers and let em see my third leg

Poor guy. What started out as the second coming of Wilt Chamberlain, and then progressed into the second coming of Sam Bowie, took another turn for the worse this week. Greg Oden, who can’t seem to stay healthy, live up to the hype or catch a break, took another punch in the balls this week when nude photos of him surfaced on the internet. Oden issued an apology the other day saying the pictures were “very embarrassing.” I will have to politely disagree Gregory, and give him a unanimous Dude of the Week award; and for a few reasons.

First of all, the pictures are apparently a year and a half old. He had sent them to his then girlfriend in the heat of “sexting” passion. So as far as I’m concerned, his cunt ex-girlfriend should be the one apologizing. Real classy move. But really, Oden should be angry with himself for being dumb enough to send them, even to his girlfriend. As fellow NC write and expert sleaze ball Tom said, “never send a girl nudey pics, always make them send you nudey pics.” Or at least don’t show your face in them. You’ve got to say to yourself, “wait a minute, I’m Greg Oden. I’m the famous basketball player and public person. Maybe I shouldn’t be sending her this pictures, maybe she should be sending them to me.” Let me give you some advice moving forward Gregory; any chick you date from here on out needs you a lot more than you need her. I know you look like a 55 year-old black caveman, but you’re still an NBA player; you can get any piece of ass you want. Fuck, Andrei Kirilenko looks like Lurch from the Adams Family and has a career 12.5 ppg and his wife is still smoking hot. So when your girlfriend from back home asks you to send pics of your dong, you’re response should be, “how about you send yours to me? Cause if you don’t want too I can just have 4 of the Trail Blazer cheerleaders, or Mariah Carey do it.” I always laugh when someone forwards me some pictures a chick sent to her boyfriend. Haven’t girls realized that when you send your boyfriend a shot of you posing naked in front of a mirror, you’re essentially sending it to every guy he knows, and by extension any guys his friends knows, and so on and so forth. But I guess I’m not complaining, because I thoroughly enjoy it when I do get them.

Now, before I get to my second reason Oden shouldn’t have to apologize, I want to put out a disclaimer. I know all of our readers in their formative years will probably say this is gay and tell me how sweet they are etc. etc. Yes, I fucking googled the pictures. It’s the same thing as watching porn. An I know all of you watch porn furiously, so don’t judge me. You probably looked too. And why shouldn’t Oden worry about being embarrassed? Cause the dude has a fucking hog. I mean, yeah he’s a seven foot black dude, but still it’s something to be proud of, not apologize for. Maybe he’s a shower not a grower, but either way the dudes packing. And is it an accident that the picture is eerily similar to the last scene in Boogie Nights? If that was planned by Oden then touché to him once more. I hope to God he was saying to himself, “you’re a fucking star” as he was snapping those pictures. Could be a bad omen though, considering the parallels between Dirk Diggler and Greg Oden. Dirk was supposed to be the next big thing, change the game. Ultimately he ended up jacking off for money and trying to rob a guy of coke, only to make a triumphant return in the end. Oden was also supposed to be a game changer, and although he’s not jacking off in the back of some dudes Jeep, he’s starting a slow and somewhat unfair slide into obscurity. But don’t worry Greg, you’re a fucking star.

Bottom line, Oden was trying to have a little fun with his special lady, and of course when they broke up/her sugar daddy cut her off, she sends the pictures out on the internet. There are more important things going on in the world, so let’s all move on and give Oden some credit for being hung like a Honda Civic. This isn’t exactly something Brian Williams would cover. In the meantime Greg, I'm pulling for you to a) fully recover and b) start living up to your promise. I just feel bad for him. And word to the wise for his ex-girlfriend; if you’re going to be a malignant bitch and release the pictures, at least sell them and get a nice chunk of change. That’s blackmail 101 sweetheart.


Dud of the Week: Stu Jackson, Executive Vice President of Basketball Operations, NBA

Stu Jackson, who no one has ever heard of, announced that LeBron James, who everyone in the world has heard of, will be fined $25,000 for kicking a water bottle in the first quarter of the Cavs win over Minnesota Wednesday night. Dude, you’re Stu Jackson, and he’s LeBron James. Getcha game right.


And on another note, Brobible.com will soon be releasing their “Ultimate Lax Bro 2” video. Now, although Tom was invited along to be a “consultant” on this shoot, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that they stole the entire concept from him (and NC). So while they have more readers, more money and a longer track record, they’re still pieces of shit. And while Tom may want to be the bigger man and not say anything negative about them, I can. Fuck those unoriginal, idea mongering pricks. Fuck Brobible.

Song of the Day

B.o.B Featuring Bruno Mars-Nothin' On You

Rotten Apple

So yesterday the iPad (what are people in Boston gonna call their iPods?) came out. At first I was impressed, but then once I read about two paragraphs on what exactly the iPad does, I was very unimpressed. It's just an oversized iPod Touch, there's really nothing special about it. It doesn't make phone calls, there's no built-in camera and really, who the hell is going to carry that thing around to search the internet? Your BlackBerry or iPhone really doesn't do the job for you in terms of web browsing? The hype of this thing was insane, but anything Apple comes out with is hyped up. If Apple said they were coming out with some sort of shoelace it would be headline news, not because of the oddity that they decided to make a shoelace, but because people would expect the shoelace to play HD movies and have 8G speed.

With this new tablet I figured they were going to make a fully functional flat screen computer, pretty much what the iPad is. However, there was nothing new about it. Oh you can surf the web faster? You can check your emails and read a book at the same time? Yeah I can do all of that now with my computer (which is an Apple btdubbs). I'm in no way tech savvy, seriously I have no fucking idea if a megabit is bigger than a gigabit. I guess I don't know much about computers for the simple fact that knowing the weather application appears if you press F12 doesn't help me get with chicks. I don't know if the iPad will be a big success in terms of sales, but I know I'm not buying one. I'll be patient though and wait for Apple to come out with something else that's awesome. Like a hovercraft, or a virtual 3-d gaming system. Google and Microsoft are far behind Apple in terms of coming up with cool shit. Remember Microsoft's response to an iPod? A Zune. Who the fuck owns a Zune? So don't worry Steve Jobs, although you look really creepy now since surviving cancer, I know you'll come out with some wild stuff in the future. Anyway, that's my two cents on the world of technology. Have fun boozing tonight.

So You Think You Can Dance...

A really good friend of ours here at NC sent me an email earlier today saying that he would get paid a decent amount of money if he learned the dance from an absurd YouTube video. Not only would he receive money for learning the dance, but there would also be a video of him doing the dance on YouTube. Now, he's over in Europe playing professional basketball so clearly he's really concentrated on hoops. Anyway, I told him I would give him 20 bucks if he learned the dance. You guys be the judge, do you think I should give him the money? Both videos are below. He's the white dude.

Top 5 Bro Shoes

A huge part of bro hood is of course, a bro's fashion. Pretty much every bro dresses alike as we're all damned conformists. A bro's fashion is a combination of preppy, fratty and yuppy. Like girls, bros love shoes, maybe not as much a chick but most dudes really care about their shoes, no matter what they say. Now since most bros dress alike, they all own or have owned a particular type of shoe. Because of this reason I have decided to make a top 5 bro shoe list. So in no particular order, here are the Top 5 Bro Shoes:

5-Asics Gels: These are a classic bro sneaker. Someone who wears these shoes actually tied up usually means business. If you wear Asics that are tied up that means you most likely wear them to actually workout. Any sneaker is obviously more bro if you don't tie them up. Keeping your Asics untied says "I like to wear comfy, expensive shoes when I walk around, but thats all I do with them." Asics come in a variety of cool color combinations, and the crazier the colors, the more bro they are. If you consider yourself a bro, I guarantee you own, will own, or have owned a pair of Asics.

4-Turf shoes: Rocking turf dogs when your not participating in an actual physical activity bursted onto the scene thanks to Baltimore bros. If you don't know where someone is from, if they're rocking turf dogs with what looks like a boarding school outfit, there is a good chance they're from Baltimore. A standard turf shoe that bros will wear or those sweet ass 3/4 Nike Zoom Air turfs from a few years ago (pictured). Since they don't make those anymore you'll see people in those new Nike Astro Grabbers which are still solid turfs. A person rocking turfs out to a party or just around town means either one of two things: Either that the person played a sport (usually lacrosse) in which those turfs once came in handy or that the person is really intense about their flag football league.

3-New Balances: Like Asics, New Balances are an ultimate bro shoe. Unlike Asics though, no one wears Newbies to actually work out. I remember when I was little I thought New Balances were only made for kids who wore khaki pants. The ultimate bro New Balance sneaker are of course the 993s. There's really not that much going on with these sneakers which is why I think bro's love them. They're expensive as shit and don't look fancy as they're just grey but that's what makes them more appealing. New Balance always comes out with new sneakers but I don't think they'll ever top the 993s.

2-Air Max 90s: Move over black people (yes I'm saying most bros are white, is that racist?), stylish Nikes aren't just for you anymore. I don't know when Air Max 90s became the shoe of choice for bros, but these things are insanely popular. They are very popular and yet, they are really tough to find. I personally get mine from this website. With tons of variety, these shoes are straight bro. You definitely don't wear these sneakers working out or anything. These are strictly a lifestyle shoe. What really sucks sometimes is when you buy Air Max 90s that you think no one else will own and then you see almost 5 different people with the same exact sneaker. Although this may hurt your chance of being more of an "individual" just realize that the person rocking the same shoes is just as bro as you.

1-Boat Shoes: I wasn't sure if I should have left these off the list since the other four are sneakers, but I mean, boat shoes are classic bro shoes. You can wear these things pretty much anywhere. Work? Sure. A formal? Why not. A day drinking fest? Better f'ing believe it. Boat shoes do have one huge draw back. After wearing these bad boys for about two weeks they immediately begin to reek of feet. Like sandals, you don't wear boat shoes with socks so once you wear them around enough they begin to stink. Obviously some people do wear boat shoes with socks (retired comment king Frank does) but it's not really the go-to choice. When most people think of boat shoes, they usually immediately think of Sperry Top-Siders. You know what's weird about boat shoes? I don't think I've ever seen someone actually wear them on a boat. My preferred boat shoes are called sandals, but thats just me.

Honorable Mention: Jordan's, Saucony's, Chuck Taylor's, Soap shoes

What A Deal!

As we often do here on NC I am going to write about food. Well actually I'm going to write about a beverage, but whatever a beverage is still considered a food. We all love this drink for two reasons. The first being that it's delicious, and the second being that it's cheap as hell. I'm talking about the .99 cent Arizona Iced Tea in a can. How awesome are these drinks? You're hungover as hell, you look into your wallet and see that out of the $150 you had in cash last night is now 6 dollars of crumpled up singles. Great, you just ordered a 5 dollar sandwich and the minimum credit card amount is 10 bucks at the deli. What are you going to do for a drink? Oh, that huge Arizona Iced Tea is only 99 cents, done. It is the greatest deal they have out there, much like the 5-5-5 deal they had at Domino's, or the free meal with a lap dance they offer at only classy strip clubs.

A few months ago I was with Spaniard at a deli, and the 99 cent Arizona Iced Teas cost 1.19. There was this huge disclaimer written on the fridge claiming the that although the can reads 99 cents, due to the current recession the price is now 1.19. I never went back to that deli again. A lot of places are getting rid of the 99 cent Iced Teas, seriously, they're getting harder and harder to find. If I were a deli that'd be the only drink I served. A variety of delicious iced tea tall boys for only a dollar, who wouldn't want to go there. Whoever started the 99 cent cans at Arizona better be set for life, such a great invention.

Song of the Day

Random Thoughts

How was everyones weekend? Mine was pretty solid. I went to the Jersey Shore party at Sutton Place and had an absolute blast. I dressed like a a tool, rocked a chain with a cross and gelled my hair. I met the infamous Kate who commented on my false cancellation announcement in my previous post and I'm pretty sure me and her will be married within the next year. Kate if you're reading this, thanks for totally bailing on me. Anyway at the party were two cast members of Jersey Shore, Vinny and Pauly D. Pauly D was on the "ones and twos" and of course Vinny was there fist pumping with everyone else. There really wasn't any dancing, fist pumping was the choice of dance and I'll tell you what, my armpits haven't sweated since I was about 14, but I was rocking some serious pit stains. After Sutton Place it was a bit strange walking around the city looking like a complete asshole. I usually look like a complete asshole to begin with when I'm hammered drunk, but add in V-neck t-shirt, chain and gelled hair and I'm a full blown douche.

Sunday was uneventful. Yes there was football on, and yes one of the team's was from New York but all I did, along with Spaniard, was stuff my face with nachos, wings and beer. You know when you're miserably hungover and you drink to "cure your hangover?" Well I did that on Sunday and it wasn't my first time doing that but I have never felt worse in my life that night. It was like a combination of hungoverness, drunkeness, unhealthiness and slobness. It was tough to look in the mirror and say "I'm a productive member of society" that night.

As Spaniard alluded to in the previous post, The Bachelor was awesome last night. I love that show. The hottest chick on the show, this broad Tenley is totally gonna win. I think that's usually the case on this show; the hottest chick always wins, just like they do in life with everything such as in the race to get STDs. Last night though, after the show I saw one of those Broadview Security (formerly Brink Security) commercials. You know what commercials I'm talking about. There's usually a girl home alone, maybe she's cooking, or doing something that makes her look extremely vulnerable. Next thing you know some creep show breaks open her door, or window and just stands there, stares at her and then runs away. Yeah, it's a pure scare tactic, I'm sure if they could show rape on TV, that would be part of the commercial as well. If I was a girl and I lived alone I'd immediately order myself a security system because of those commercials. That kind of commercial is like those new Domino's commercials for dudes. You know how Domino's remade their pizzas? What guy doesn't wanna try those things now? Domino's was gross, and you know what, I'm sure it still is. Welp, that's about it. Suck it.

A Meal With Rex Ryan

My condolences to Jets and Vikings fans for their losses this past weekend. The sting of those losses will hurt for a while. But any sports fan has got to be happy with how the games turned out, both were great games. And Jets fans should be excited about the future. Mark Sanchez looked more like a professional QB than a Mexican JaMarcus Russell, making some big throws under pressure, and that’s encouraging. I may have lost my Jets bet and pushed with my Saints, but I got the outcomes right. Yea, I know; picking the two #1 seeds was a really ballsy call.

Championship Weekend: 0-1-1
Playoffs overall: 5-6-1

Loved the Saints-Vikings game. As much as a waffle back and forth between loving Brett Favre and hating Brett Favre, I did say he was going to have a game-crushing turnover at some point; he was just due. And apparently for the third year in a row, the last real pass of the season for Favre was intercepted. Really the only thing that could’ve topped the drama in that game was last night’s “The Bachelor.” And boy did it ever. Four girls eliminated in one episode; unprecedented heart-break right before our eyes. It really is like watching a train wreck; if the train was full of hot, desperate, unstable chicks. Continues to be tantalizing television.

I stumbled across this little gem Saturday and was too lazy to put it up over the weekend, but it’s hilarious. Somewhat long, but definitely worth the effort, especially if it will help you kill time at work. And by work I mean 5th period English class, because all of the NC readers are apparently sophomores in high school.

Coach Ryan Prepares a Feast

Loved that thing, I couldn’t stop laughing while I was reading it. It was spot on. And I’ve got to admit that “Kissing Suzy Kolber” is without a doubt the best possible name for a Jets Blog (probably any team actually) ever. The only one I could think would top that would be “Dating Rae Carruth” for the Panthers, or “Mark Chmura’s Babysitter” for the Packers. If you don’t get that reference, it’s probably because you’re 14. So for all those underage drinkers out there who are pretending to know what it means, here’s the answer.

This delightful piece only helps Rex Ryan’s case as #1 in the “Fat-Ass Head Coach Rankings.” Again, don’t let this be confused with the “Fat-Slob Head Coach Rankings,” which is full of degenerates who for the most part are in way over their heads, have no game management or motivational skills, and manage to keep their jobs (most times) despite these shortcomings. Come to think of it, Ryan may be the only fat guy in the NFL who knows how to coach. I mean, Mike McCarthy and Tony Sparano are chunky, but I’d hardly call them Fat-Asses:

Fat-Slob Rankings:
#1 –Wade Phillips

#2- Tom Cable
#3- Eric Mangini
#4- Charlie Weiss (had to throw him on, despite being a coordinator)
#5- Andy Reid

Fat-ass Head Coaches:

#1 Rex Ryan

So congratulations to Rex Ryan. Despite losing in the AFC Championship game this past weekend, you are the only fat head coach in the NFL with any discernible skills. And that’s something to be commended. I guess when your dads name is Buddy and your name is Rex, you have no choice but to be fat, loud and completely out of control. And, after only one season, you are tied for the franchise lead in playoff wins by a head coach, with 2. The Jets have set the bar pretty low for you.

That dog’ll hunt

Video

Here's another video making fun of Jersey Shore. I wonder when all these videos will stop? I'm guessing in about two weeks once all these people go back to their day jobs. Check it out.

Song of the Day

Championship Weekend

I guess I have to give the DOTW to Tom Schonberg (who I wrote about yesterday) for having the balls to name his kid after New York’s second most popular professional football team. To either a) be able to convince your wife to go along making your kids initials J.E.T.S or b) be able to slip it by her is impressive either way. I can’t convince my special lady which restaurant to go to for dinner, so this was an impressive feat.

But I’d also like to give a little nod to the man that invented this. I’m not sure whose idea it was but I’m sure it worked out. I can just imagine the thought process inside the restaurant. “Man, I love burgers AND I love macaroni and cheese. I wish I could have them at the same time.” Usually combining two things you love doesn’t quite work out. Unfortunately this wasn’t the first time this guy tried to combine two things he loves, it was just the first time it worked out. Because blow-jobs and roller coasters, strippers and laser tag, and fire works and tequila don’t mix well. One for four isn’t bad though.

Before I get to picks, let me just say that regardless of the outcome of Sunday’s games, the Super Bowl will have some ridiculously over-covered story line to it, and make it that much more interesting. But all of these little subplots are pretty much retarded. They’re useless, unimportant aspects that will be blown way out of proportion. Little minute details or only made this important in two things; sports and relationships.

Saints-Colts: The “ran into my high-school sweetheart when I was home for Christmas” game. Peyton against his home town team, the team his dad played for. “Yeah it’s good to see you, but I’ve got bigger fish to fry. You look great though.” New Orleans in the Super Bowl for the first time. They’ve got a good thing going, but will always have a soft spot for Peyton. Any Saints appearance will be like Mardi Gras 2.0. Bourbon Street will be filled with drunken Cajuns all wearing black and gold.

Saints-Jets: The “we met on The Bachelor” game. Two very devoted, patience wearing thin fan bases desperate for success finally getting to (or back to) the big game. Just when they though they would never get there, BAM! They’re on TV one game away from getting a rose. Seriously, these teams have to be #3 and #2 on the list of “most times a fan wore a paper-bag over his head.” The Lions are #1 based on the 2008 season alone.

Vikings-Jets: The “obsessed ex-girlfriend” game. Brett Favre against the team he treated like a dime store hooker. “Seriously Jets, we dated for 1 year, and it wasn’t even that good. Stop drunk texting me and telling all your friends I’m an asshole.” I won’t be as hyped about this one as everyone else will be. Again, Favre played for the Jets for one miserable year aka the drunk hook-up you forget about the next morning.

Vikings-Colts: The “Jim and Pam from The Office” game. Favre vs. Manning. You know it’s the best matchup, there’s just a lot of other variables and getting the timing right involved. Winner of this one jumps up 2 or 3 spots in the “greatest quarterback ever” argument. Also, do you know how many Sony HDTV, Wrangler Jeans, MasterCard and Sear’s commercials there will be? My head will explode.


Picks:

Jets +7.5 @ Colts

I have to admit; I love the way Rex Ryan just doesn’t give a shit about what people think. You can tell them team loves playing for him, even though he ranks in the top 3 of “Fat-Ass NFL Coaches.” He’s not in the Wade Phillips, Andy Reid, Tom Cable “Fat Slob” category though, because it seems like he has an idea of what he’s doing and control over his players. Anyway, with how well the Jets defense is playing, and Tom Schonberg, I gotta give them some love. The difference in this game vs. last weeks against the Chargers though is the speed of the Colts defense. The Jets have been mauling teams with power run game, but I think the Colts differing style will give them fits at times. I also anticipate a huge, huge drop by Braylon Edwards at a make or break moment for Sanchez. Defensively, Darrelle Revis is going to make Reggie Wayne a non-factor, it’s just the way it is, so I think the Jets will be able to contain the Colts for much of the game. But the difference, not surprisingly, is Peyton Manning. He’s too smart to try and force something towards Revis (like Rivers did last week). I just don’t think he’ll let the Colts lose, and he’ll put together a game winning scoring drive with is back against the ropes. He’ll put the team on his back; much like he has the past 18 weeks.

Colts- 21 Jets-17


Saints -3 vs. Vikings

Once again, I can’t understate the Superdome factor in this one. Even Antoine Winfield, the Vikings best corner said “it could be a factor.” Yeah, the Vikings front seven was dominant last week against the Cowboys, but the Saints have negated good pass rushes all season with quick three step drops and dump offs to Reginald Bush and Jeremiah Shockey. As much as I love Jared Allen, I think the tempo of the game will limit his impact. Brees doesn’t put his team in bad situations, and although Favre hasn’t all year, this would be the game it could happen. I mean, he is Brett Favre. The Saints had the third best turnover ratio in the league this season at +11, and Darren Sharper seems to always come up with big turnovers. The Vikings offensive line is better than the Cardinals, but the way the Saints front got too Warner last week has to scare Brad Childress. I’m hoping for a party down in the Big Easy too.

Saints-31 Vikings -21

Goodbye Jersey Shore

Well my favorite reality show ever is finally over, and I'm surprised I liked the Jersey Shore. You see, I used to love the Real World and all those shows that stuck completely mentally unstable 20 somethings from all different backgrounds in a house. I stopped watching the Real World around senior of high school as I realized what a ridiculous and retarded show it was. I didn't need to hear a 21 year old Mormon girl, with an eating disorder, who was also secretly bisexual, thoughts on life. MTV has been really slacking in the reality TV department lately. I really enjoyed Rob and Big, and still watch Rob Dyrdek's show, unless it's cancelled, I really have no idea.

Anyway, I've distanced myself from MTV as most people do as they get older because shows like Teen Mom, Teen Cribs and Sweet 16 just make me disturbed, envious and disturbed/envious in that order. So when I first heard about the Jersey Shore, I figured it would've been like that True Life: I Have A Shore House episode when they had all those meatheads who liked "cheese bawlz." So I was surprised that they went the Real World way of casting by picking a bunch of strangers to live in a house. Instead of being from different backgrounds though, they were all pretty much the same exact person. The dudes were all the same, and the chicks were all the same: idiotic and trashy people. As the show progressed everyone, and myself included who watched the show started to like/hate certain characters. Most people hated "The Situation", I personally thought he was hilarious. I would never be friends with him but his no shame, cocky attitude was something I appreciated.

Now I really hope they have another Jersey Shore, with hotter chicks this time because all the girls this season were guhross. I have a feeling this is going to start something big at MTV though. Not just with tons of Jersey Shore shows, but TV shows about the Hamptons, or Nantucket or any other vacation spot that is packed with young kids who are all part of one particular lifestyle and culture. So, anyway, I will miss the Jersey Shore like I'm sure most of you will too. I'll be patient and wait for the next season of Jersey Shore to come out, but until then I guess I'll just watch The Bachelor (seriously, it's awesome). Oh, and to anyone who was planning on attending that Jersey Shore party at Sutton Place this weekend, I got some bad news, it's cancelled. DJ Pauly D had to back out last minute because of family issues so it's a no-go. I was planning on going to get my fist pumping on, but now I guess I'll just go to Dorrian's and hit on anything that moves and talk sub prime mortgage rates as most do there.

Did You Warm The Bed?

In an odd move, the hotel chain Holiday Inn is offering a human bed-warming service. What the hell is a human bed-warming service you're probably wondering, well I think its pretty self explanatory. A human being will hop in your bed, and lie there long enough until your bed is a comfy (and apparently required) 68 degrees. The hotel chain made this announcement today saying that three of their hotels in Britain would be experimenting with this service. They say the bed-warmer will be wearing a full body fleece, I'm guessing kinda like a Snuggie and just lie in your bed until the temperature of the bed is 68 degrees.

I have no idea why the hell Holiday Inn is doing this. It's gross enough that most hotel beds are caked in jizz, drool, sex juices and more jizz, I don't need someone's body odor in there. Sure plenty of people have slept in your bed numerous times before you, but at least the sheets are clean (or so you hope). Having some grimy, smelly person lie in your bed before you fall asleep is not something I would find very comforting. It's not like the manager of the hotel is going to be lying in your bed, it's going to be some low end dude, like a janitor or, a pimply faced teenager who will probably purposely beat off in your bed after sniffing your girlfriend's undies.

Are people really that bothered by a "cold bed?" When my bed is cold, I personally lie in it for about 2 minutes, and guess what? It gets warm. The thing is too, you're in a hotel, you're not paying for the heating bill. If you're like me then you crank the shit out of the heat or AC whenever you're in a hotel. Most places have room-sensor controlled heating and cooling systems now, but it's not like it takes long for a small hotel room to get cool or warm. I wonder if the guy just lies in your bed, watching TV until you get back. That'd be an awkward moment for sure seeing the dude who was in your bed before you. Think about it. Imagine if the dude was just super fat and ugly, I wouldn't wanna sleep in that bed, I don't care what type of full body suit he was wearing. Who knows when this service will make it's way to the states, but I'm in no rush to have a bed-warmer.

J-E-T-S....Jake, Jake, Jake?

My completely irrational level of love for the New York Giants gets me some flack sometimes. Most guys my age are as passionate about their team as I am, and I certainly don’t find anything wrong with the outcome of a professional football game altering my mood for an entire week, but I guess it’s not for everyone. And by everyone I mean, fair weather fans. When you think about it, it really is a strange relationship. I pay money to go watch guys I know everything about, but don’t know me and make more money in a year than I will in a lifetime. Does this stop me from doing it? Absolutely not. So while I don't give two shits about the New York Jets, I respect their die hard fans. And now they have something to cheer about. So while other people may rip this guy and call him obsessed and completely insane, I commend him. You may have already seen this video on ESPN.com, but this dude Tom Schonberg named his son after his favorite team. Sort of.

A Boy Named J.E.T.S.

Well done sir. Some dudes paint their chests, some dudes dress up like morons. You did something a little more permanent. I guess it’s just a good thing that you’re not a Seahawks fan. My only concern with this is that in today’s world, kids don’t grow up like my contemporaries and I did. Why am I a Giants fan? Because my Dad was and is a Giants fan, probably the same as most of you. But nowadays, with the prevalence of emo music, Barack Obama and pashmina scarves, kids feel the need to rebel against their parents, and any attempt to influence them is looked at as “smothering.” So making your sons initials JETS is a binary event; he’ll either be the biggest fan ever, or hate you for doing it, legally change his name to Damian or Butterknife and start loving the movie West Side Story. Either way the kids gonna have a sick LL Bean backpack (do they still make those?).

Now, in my world, the people that give me the most shit for my obsession with the Giants are the women in my life. Really no surprises there. My mother while I was growing up, and now my special lady friend. Understandably, they can’t grasp how I can’t put so much time and devotion towards a pro-sports team. I was with my lady friend after the Giants blew the game against the Chargers on Nov 8, a real brutal loss. The anger I displayed and the emotional beating I took from that astounded her; she thought I was completely insane for caring that much. The only way I could describe it was comparing it to her going out to dinner only to come home and find that she had lost her favorite expensive pair of earrings. Yeah, life goes on, but its going to take a little bit of time before you stop asking yourself the “what if’s” the “whys” and running through every possible scenario in which the outcome would be different.

Anyway, the reason this matters is because I’m curious about this dudes wife. Was she on board for this name? When he proposed the idea of naming their first born child after a team that hasn’t won a Super Bowl in 41 years did she say “You know something? I was planning on naming him after my father, but you’re right, the Jets are way more important. Let’s do it!” I’m guessing no way that happened, unless you’re married to Suzy Kolber. When you think about it, looking at the kids name it doesn’t immediately jump out that his initials are JETS so it’s feasible that the wife would miss it. “Yeah, I like the name Jake. Two middle names is a little weird, but whatever, it’s 2010. Celebrities name their kids after fruits and boroughs of New York City, so why can’t he have two? Fuck it, let’s give him three.” So my guess is that this dude slipped a fast one by his wife, and by the time she realized it was too late, the damage had been done. Sure she could try and hide it, saying the two middle names are after great uncles or something, but you know ole' Tom Schonberg is out telling everyone he can his kid is named after the Jets, getting high fives and crushing beers with his other friends who went conservative and named their kids Todd or Billy. I’m no marriage expert, but you would think that’s the first step towards a vicious divorce, which would only expedite the kid going by Butterknife, smoking cloves and becoming a Slipknot fan. Couples get into arguments over how high the heat in the bedroom is, so I can’t imagine this went over well. I could be wrong though, the dude makes it pretty obvious in the interview that the Jets are more important than this wife.

Also, on a side note, no one gives a shit that you’re a Browns fan Jay Crawford. You host the only show on ESPN no one watches, and this was the biggest thing to hit it since Lil Wayne was on. Way to go dude.

Regardless, I'd like to support Tom Schonberg in the naming of his son after his favorite football team, the Jets. Now all little Jake needs to to is find a best friend named Benny.

That dog'll hunt

Funny Video

This is a pretty funny video, making fun of that awful, awful movie 28 Days Later. If this was an actually movie I'd go see it. I think Nick Swardson is the funniest comedian out there so pretty much anything he does I'll laugh at.

Swim Fan Mail?

Ok, so about a month ago I got this email. It was sent to our NervousCircle Gmail account. I figured and still think it was one of my friends, but no one has yet to come forward and tell me it was them. It's either one of two things. 1. It's my friends, or just a dude fucking around. 2. It's a girl, fucking around. It'd be cool if it was a legit, horny girl, but no legit girl calls someone "dude" which is why I think it's one of my friends. Now I hope by showing this email someone will say that it was them. It's a funny email. Not only that but whoever sent this came up with a great AOL name. So, if any of you wrote this please just tell me. It's good stuff and made me laugh.

from: xxxtommygirl694u@aol.com
to: nervouscircle@gmail.com
date: Wed, Dec 16, 2009 at 5:32 PM
subject: yo tom

Dear Tom,

I just wanted to tell you how much I love Nervous Circle. I know that might be a bit of surprise, considering that I am actually a girl. I think that you are incredibly funny and clever, and by and large the best writer on the blog. I do have something to share, however. I think you are seriously the hottest dude I have ever laid eyes on. I am absolutely crushed that you are graduating this semester, and I seriously just want to tap that before it leaves forever. You have no idea how turned on I am by the thought of you forcefully making out with me. You are basically the main event of my sex fantasies, all of which are set to your song of the day. You are so attractive that I wouldn't be surprised to find you in Dr. Do-me-a-little or The Porn Identity some day.

On a final note, and I'm not even kidding about this one (no, for real, this is not part of the porno letter above), my friends and I have a bet about who could score you first. Needless to say, I was not the winner. Sadly.

Have fun in the real world.

S

P.S. I want to bang you at varying speeds in varying places.

Donate Money by Texting "Haiti" to 90999

Although were a bit late in getting around to this, we figured we here at NC could something to help the Haitian people devastated by the earthquake. If you haven't already you should donate money to the Red Cross in order to help all of those in Haiti. It doesn't take much and it's not asking for a lot of money. It's pretty simple. All you have to do is text "Haiti" to 90999. If you do this, you'll donate a total of $10 dollars to the Red Cross. Just do it, you'll feel better about yourself as $10 dollars goes a long way in the efforts to help the people of Haiti. So don't be a piece of shit, do some good and donate money.

I figured I'd post the song of the day as well. Of course, it's a Wyclef Jean song. It's uplifting though, seriously, this tune is going to be set to so many montages of the Haiti people rebuilding.

How Far Away Is It?

I love golf. It is honestly one of the most addicting sports to play. If you have a bad day of golf, all you want to do is go out the next day and shoot better. If you have a great day of golf, all you want to do is go out the next time and of course, shoot better. It's never ending. At times you want to beat the living shit out of the course, the ball, your clubs and yourself, but other times your on cloud 9 and would make out with that lady who has cold sores simply because "nothing can stop you." A huge part of a recreational golfer's game they need to improve is their short game. Sure they can drive the shit out of the ball, but how do they hit their irons? Usually, their iron play is awful. Sure they'll make some solid contact on some holes, but for the most part recreational golfers will often top their balls, slice it, hook it, or make more contact with the fairway than the ball itself. Which is why I hate when people say things like "The restaurant? It's only a 7-iron away."

Not only do phrases like this reek of pretentious douchbagness, but it also means your a complete fag. What if you say that to someone who doesn't play golf? Not only will you come across as a prick trying to establish your social status over someone (since golf is played mainly by rich, white people), but you would not accomplish answering the person's question. "Oh the beach is a 5-iron away so does that mean we should drive?" Saying phrases like this is just as dumb as the person who practices their golf swing while having a conversation with you at work or any other place that isn't the golf course or range, which we here at NC have wrote about a few months back. I like when people say these sort of lines to me and act like I am a beast or a complete fool when it comes to golf. "It's a pitching wedge away? So what is that like a mile?" Not only does it make the person uncomfortable to respond to that question, but they will always wonder or not if you can really smack the shit out of the ball.

Lastly, to get off topic for a minute, according to the comment on the Tiger heading to rehab post, NervousCircle has fans in middle school. I truly hope that it was someone just joking around, but if not, whatever that's cool, I guess my thought process is very similar to an 8th grader. Also, the commenter said he was a heavy drinker? That's never good. I feel like it's my responsibility to tell the kid to not drink. Look, if you're really in 8th grade, go easy buddy. Being known as a heavy drinker isn't cool at any age, it just gets more acceptable as you get older. Welp, there's my good deed for the day.

Guidos: A Progressive Group?

I've been surrounded by guidos as long as I could remember. I began to notice the whole guido community when I was in middle school. Certain kids began to wear Armani Exchange shirts, and those cheesy silver chains. The blowout didn't exist yet, but gelled hair sure did. If there's one thing guidos loved when I was in middle school it was frosted tips; they were the first I saw in America to start rocking the popular Canadian hair style (still is popular in Canada today). As high school came and went, blow outs were all the craze. Not only were blowouts huge, but that scuzzy chin strap beard was beginning to show up on every guidos face. Anyway, for the italian stallions of the world, the tighter the shirts, the cooler they thought they looked. Armani Exchange was huge and if you wore one of those shirts I figured you were a total douchebag. All of these kids always preyed on younger chicks. Not just freshman girls, but like middle school chicks. So not only were they tools, they were also scum bags.

As I went off to college (Butler, then St. Lawrence) I distanced myself from guidos. There are no guidos in Indiana, and there sure as shit aren't any guidos at a private, Northeast, non-denominational university like St. Lawrence. But being that I do live in the hotbed of guidos I was always around them, noticing there constant style change. They started to workout a lot more and clearly figured out steroids made you a monster. Seriously, for anyone who lives in the tri-state area, I guarantee you know at least 3 kids who take steroids. I also guarantee those 3 kids are guidos. They never had backne before but now there backs better represent a meat lovers pizza than nice, clear skin.

For all those people who didn't know that guidos existed, the hit MTV show, and my personal favorite reality show, Jersey Shore, has let everyone in America know exactly what being a guido entails. Blowouts, abs, tanning salons and techno have taken over homes all across America. Now, for most of us, this is nothing new. Like I said, I've seen and experienced all of this shit for as long as I can remember. But what is new, are these Ed Hardy t-shirts. When the hell did these things become the standard guido uniform? I mean, other people wear Ed Hardy t-shirts as well, they're usually people who are into UFC, hardcore weight lifting or any other homoerotic activity that most bros do not take part in.

These Ed Hardy shirts say one thing: trash. Christian Audigier is the fashion designer who started this Ed Hardy fashion line. Little fun fact, Audigier was also a designer for guido fashion favorite: Von Dutch. Now, I didn't know this but Ed Hardy is apparently an actual tattoo artist. His designs are now all over these shirts. I don't know about most of you but I think having tattoos on shirts is about the same as having dragons on your shirts, maybe even worse. There's small sequents (no idea how to spell that) on these ridiculous shirts as well which allows them to stand out and sparkle, making a douchebag that much more noticeable. I don't know what's next for guidos, hopefully something less ridiculous. I have a feeling that with time guidos will disappear but only to be replaced by Mexicans as the leaders in the ridiculous, toolbag lifestyle.

Headed to Rehab

There has been news today that says Tiger Woods has entered a rehab clinic in Mississippi because of his addiction to sex. It hasn't been confirmed but some author who I have never heard of and I'm sure most of America has never heard of posted on his blog that Tiger is at the Pine Grove Health & Addiction Services clinic. I guess this author most be somewhat famous. Spaniard and I have never posted anything that made headline news. Well, apparently he's in Mississippi that's cool right? Is that like a notable place for sex rehab? Why didn't Tiger just go on the Vh1 show, Celeb Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew? Oh, that's right, because that show is more retarded than Simple Jack.

But anyway, saying your a sex addict is like saying alcohol was the reason you hooked up with that fat chick. Sure some people might buy it, but for everyone else it's a lame ass excuse. Tiger Woods is not a sex addict. He's not having sex with all these women because of some strange "disease" he has, or because of some addiction, he's having sex with all of them because he is the richest athlete in America and probably the most recognizable athlete in the world. Every guy is addicted to sex, we just don't have the ability to sleep with any chick we want like Tiger does. I'm sure dudes like Brad Pitt sleep with numerous women and cheat on their wives. But would anyone care if that was news? It would be on the cover of People and Us Weekly for two weeks until John Mayer breaks Jennifer Aniston's heart again.

I hate this dumb excuse of being a sex addict. It's just as dumb as people who claim they're addicted to porn. Have you ever seen the stories on men who claim to be addicted to porn? What a joke. Do you know whose addicted to porn? Every dude under the age of 30. Unless of course you're homeless. If Tiger is there I hope he's getting the "help" he needs and is working on his putting. Welp, that's it.

Call me old school but…

I know I’m in the minority here, but I’m not a huge video game guy. I play Madden 2008 (the latest one I have) or Guitar Hero on Playstation2 every once in a while, but for the most part, I don’t have the patience, the time or the skill to play all the new fancy video games with all my buddies. Call of Duty, Halo, and Assassin’s Creed are all way too much for me. I want a return to the good old days when games were simple and the laughs were often. A time when you could blame any screw-up on your friend walking by the screen and “distracting you,” not on your Wi-Fi going down. “Ahhh dude, you totally blocked my view, what the eff dude?” Everyone did that move; it wasn’t right, but it wasn’t wrong. It was just accepted. That’s why I long for a return to throwing “Super” in front of the counsel name, not a number on the end when the better version comes out. When Mario, Luigi, Donkey Kong and Double Dragon were household names. To a time of Duckhunt, Mario Kart, GoldenEye, Street Fighter and of course, the king of all sports games, NBA Jam.

Remember NBA Jam? The two-on-two basketball game that came out in 1993 where you could throw down sick dunks and play while engulfed in flames? I sure as shit do, it was awesome. No other game provided more fun, more laughs and more outrageous but usable quotes like “Boomshackalacka” and “Slam-a-jamma” than NBA Jam. It wasn’t complex, you just dunked all over people or drained threes as you’re favorite team. You didn’t have to navigate your way through some complex maze of hidden passage ways and story lines; all you had to do was press 3 buttons, maybe 4 or 5 to unlock sick secret characters like Bill Clinton.

For all of you longing for these classic games like me, you may be in luck. A friend of the Circle sent me this article, the other day. I know it’s a little old, but it reports that EA sports is set to announce the return of NBA Jam for Wii. Now, I don’t have a Wii, but if this proves to be true I will go out and pay whatever I have to get one. The advancements in graphics and the complexity of the game-play in video games now will actually be good for something like NBA Jam. I get flustered and jitter-fingered when I have to push a three button combo and point down to aim up just to shoot a gun. In NBA Jam, one button will still be pass, one will be shoot, and one will be turbo. I can’t imagine it being much harder than that, and that’s what I’m looking for in video games. So instead of playing with Patrick Ewing and John Starks who, except for height, look the same, play the same and never beat Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant (where was Jordan? More on that), we’re going to be able to play with LeBron and Mo Williams, Chris Paul and David West, Kobe and Lamar Odom. Obviously the Knicks will suck; who the hell wants to play with Nate Robinson and Danillo Gallinari? I’d still prefer Starks-Ewing. Hopefully they’ll sign someone good before the game comes out, but I’m not getting my hopes up.

Make sure to read the fun facts at the bottom of the article. Good stuff about why Michael Jordan wasn’t in it, Shaq’s obsession, and little things in the game you never knew.

But let’s be honest. I would play this game on Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis now. Who needs the fancy stuff?

That dog’ll hunt.

Song of the Day

My friend showed me this jam. It grew on me and I really enjoy it. If you don't like it the first few times, keep trying it until you like it, kinda like beer.

Happy MLK Day! Kinda.

So it's been awhile since I've posted. Whatever, I hope everyone had a joyful, and hopefully long weekend. My weekend was filled with booze, food and memory loss. Yesterday was MLK day and for most that meant either no work or no school. Obviously there were people who had work or school and chances are these places don't have too many black people at them. I mean I understand that MLK was the greatest civil rights leader ever, aside from Al Sharpton (nah, I'm just kidding I seriously dislike Al Sharpton) but is it bad that I have no idea why exactly MLK day happened yesterday? Look, I understand why we honor him, but was yesterday his birthday? Was it the day he was shot? Did they make it always on a Monday so people didn't have to work? Does it make me racist that I don't know this? Regardless, since most people didn't have work yesterday that meant that Sunday was a ragefest. I didn't give two shits about the games as I gave up on the Giants and the NFL after week 16.

Anyway, this weekend while going from bar to bar I began to notice how many bars don't have the standard "'Men" or "Women" written on the bathroom doors. Usually the bathroom symbol will represent the theme of the bar. When I was younger a friend of mine made a great point regarding the bathrooms at Outback Steakhouse. Now for any of you who have never had the great pleasure of eating at this fine, classy and authentic Australian restaurant the bathrooms at this place have Bloke and Sheila written on the bathroom doors. Now, he was able to make the proper decision as to what bathroom to enter but what about an 8 year old kid? Or a retard? What the hell do they do when they go to the bathroom? I would honestly love to see that.

Again, this doesn't just exist at the trashy Outback Steakhouse, it exists at most bars and restaurants. Seriously the next time you go to a bar in the city or wherever the hell you live, pay attention to what's going on at the bathroom doors. Sometimes they'll have pictures on the doors as well. Great, is that a rooster or a hen? What the fuck is going here? Now obviously even if the bars do have tricky door signs, there's usually a line at the bathroom so you don't have to worry about knowing whether or not "Tonogata" means "Men" at a Japanese restaurant. Plus, if there's a really long line at a bar there's nothing like being a piece of shit and pissing all over the bar itself. I know I'm not the only whose done this, just make sure you have some people blocking you and you'll be all good.

Video

This is a clip from this past SNL. It was probably the funniest skit of the episode. Plus, it has Kristen Wiig in it who I think is a smoke show. Check it out.

Week O' Duds and Comeback Picks

For the second week in a row there has been very little dude-worthy activity in the world of NervousCircle. More or less the news has been depressing, what with earthquakes in Haiti, the bank hearings and numerous sports debacles. Gotta give some love to Perry Fewell, the new defensive coordinator of the New York Giants, but that could just be wishful thinking. On to the DUDS of the Week, cause there was a few.

#1-Lane Kiffin: I mean, this guy is a piece of shit. USC is an awesome job, who wouldn’t want to come into a program chock-full-o- NFL talent, in sunny Southern California where beautiful blondes are running around just looking to bang someone involved in it? I wanted to interview for it, but unfortunately I lack any credentials whatsoever. But does Lane Kiffin have any? Yeah he was the Raiders coach for 20 games, going and led Tennessee to an un-impressive 7-5 record this past year. But to get to 7-5, he committed every minor recruiting violation in the book. Dude can’t take a shit without committing some infraction. So let’s bring this guy into a program dealing with Reggie Bush’s family “allegedly” getting hundreds of thousands of dollars from a booster, and Joe McKnight “allegedly” getting a Land Rover from another. Throw on top of that the OJ Mayo issues, and Athletic Director Mike Garrett must not give a fuck. Meanwhile, as Kiffin made his last minute escape from Knoxville, students were burning mattresses, t-shirts and Lane in effigy in the streets, writing less than flattering messages about him everywhere. The guy is a piece of shit, totally bailed on a bunch of young bros that he probably fed some bullshit about the Tennessee traditions too. I’ll give him one thing though; it’s a big upgrade for SC in terms of coach’s wives. Glena Carroll wasn’t bad, but Lane’s got a nice deal going with is Barbie doll wife.

#2- Mark McGwire: As everyone knows, McGwire came out and admitted the “bulk” of his career was based on steroids. And Big Mac didn’t use the cozy little phrase, “performance enhancing drugs,” like a lot of these dudes do either. He said the s-word, which seems appropriate. Body builders take steroids, ball players use PEDS. McGwire is a blurred combo of both. Good for you Mark, but couldn’t this all have been avoided had you just admitted it back in 2005, instead of the circus act that turned in to? I guess you were finally here to “talk about the past.” During an interview with Bob Costas following his admission, McGwire said he would’ve been the same player, and hit 70 home-runs still in 1998 without steroids. Really Mark? Then why did you take them, cause the needle felt good? Cause having a teammate inject you with them was a good bonding experience? Did you want Jose Conseco to think you were cool? I agree that steroids don’t make you a better hitter. But McGwire was on the wrong end of 35 that season and only missed 7 games. That’s where it helps you. Instead of icing his back and poppin’ vikes in September he was smacking dingers and picking up his fat-ass son at home plate. And the dude hit 65 the next year, making 23% of his career homers in two seasons at 35 and 36. So don’t feed us that crap Marky-Mark, we're not all as retarded as Bud Selig. And I love how the admission comes with the “a massive weight has been lifted off his shoulders” angle the media loves to play. I don’t buy it. This isn’t a relief for him, this is the scarlet letter. At least A-Rod can smash a few bombs, win the World Series, bang Kate Hudson and have everyone forget. The lasting image of McGwire for the rest of his like will be him using steroids. And this only furthers my theory that everyone in baseball from 1996-2003 used steroids. Everyone except Derek Jeter of course.

Those my friends, are DUDS


Picks with a Vengeance:

You know how at the end of every horror movie you think the bad dude is finally dead, only to spring back and claim one last victim? Well that’s me this week, with less murdering and more gratuitous nudity. I think it takes a lot to get back up after a serious beat-down. And the ass kicking I took last week certainly qualifies as a beat-down. But character isn’t what you do when everything is hunky-dory; it’s what you do when the going gets tough. So despite going 0-4 last week in playoff picks (and 0-4 is generous. I was so wrong it should’ve been 0-8), I’m coming back strong this week.

Cardinals +7 @ Saints AND the over (57)

The Cards and specifically Kurt Warner came back hot last week and showed that they know how to win in the playoffs. This game could look like a college basketball score when it’s done, balls flying all over the dome. I said after watching the Giants get their shit packed in at the Superdome that I didn’t think anyone could win there come post-season, its deafening and full of drunk Cajuns dancing around. I still feel that way, but if anyone can it’s the Cardinals. Unfortunately, they’re on a short week, and have to travel to New Orleans, something they haven’t done well the past two seasons. Than and they gave up 45 points at home last week, Kurt Warner is a proven play-off winner, and Drew Brees is on the verge of being the next Kurt Warner, but I like the Cards to cover, Saints to win in a shootout

Vikings -3 vs. Cowpies

Let me just say it again. I hate the Cowpies, so I’m gong to consistently pick against them and try and legitimize it from there, working backwards. The Cowpies revitalized pass-rush could give the Vikings line and Grandpa Favre some issues, but they have the ultimate neutralizer for that. That freak of nature Adrian Peterson. So Favre, instead of throwing the game up for grabs with the irrational throws and decision making you’ve been known for in playoff games, turn around and hand it off to the stallion wearing #28. Worst case scenarios, Cowpies win and keep it rolling. Best case scenario, Tony Romo contracts syphilis from his boy friend Chad, Wade Phillips is found out to have downs syndrome and the Cowboys lose. I’ll take something in the middle.

Jets +7 @ Chargers

On a side note, this game sets the record for “most Mexicans in an NFL playoff game” with two. Congrats Mark Sanchez and Luis Castillo. Again, the Bolts are still my Super Bowl pick. But the Jets looked solid last week, and if there’s one spot where the Chargers are vulnerable it’s against the run where they’re ranked 20th and give up 117 yards a game. Conveniently enough the Jets have the number with 172 yards per game. That could spell trouble for the Bolts. I still don’t understand why anyone throws at Darelle Revis. He was targeted 108 times this year, 6th most among starting corners. Lito Sheppard ain’t bad either, but I think Phillip Rivers knows that Dwight Lowery can’t cover anyone, and will pick him apart. Jets cover, Bolts win.

Colts -6.5 vs. Ravens

This was a close one. I like the Colts to win, but I took them because they we’re only laying 6.5. I think this game will be close down the stretch, with Manning leading a game winning touchdown drive with seconds left to secure the win. The Ravens are going to try and control the clock running the ball, and as much as I love giving Ray Rice some 914 love, I don’t think they can keep the ball out of Peyton’s hands long enough. Sorry Ravens fans, but like I said last week, I respect you guys, so I’m pulling for you.

Every Rose Has It's Thorn...

Monday night I made a conscious decision to do something ridiculous and retarded. No it wasn’t heroin, or excessive amounts of booze or a fat-chick. It was The Bachelor. I sat down on my couch, had a drink, smoked a bowl and watched 120 minutes of crappy reality TV. And you know what? It was awesome. The editing that show does to make every situation seems tense and monumental is genius. The guy is always a pickle dick moron who looks good with his shirt off and the host looks like his other job is professional figure skater. But the stars of the show are obviously the girls. For the most part they’re all young and hot. It’s always some 35 year old dude with 23 year old broads drooling over him. They all have sad stories, are desperate to “find a connection” and think they’re in love after one 20 minute date. I was hooked right off the bat, on the edge of my seat the entire time. One girl had been married twice before (she was 23), one girl read a prepared statement about how she was going to withhold kisses from him, and one of the girls the dude really like was even kicked off the show the other night. Not because she didn’t get a rose; because she engaged in “inappropriate relations” with a staffer. Yes…she fucked one of the staff members. I like to think it was a fat camera guy or the casting director, but who knows. Either way it was priceless television

But this all made me think. What if an ex-girlfriend of yours was on the Bachelor? At first you’d be like “hey, my ex-girlfriend is hot enough to be on the Bachelor, sweet.” But when you really analyze it, problems will inevitably arise. I mean, let’s be real; the girls on this show are about as stable as a drunk during an earthquake. They’re completely nuts, thinking they can find “true love” competing with 25 other women on TV; it’s sad. Most of these women are early-to-mid twenties, pretty young; have they completely given up on meeting someone the conventional way that they resort to going on this show? I mean, JDate and match.com are weird, but wouldn’t they consider those options before embarrassing themselves on national television? Apparently not. I think the girl who drinks whiskey and dates a 29 year old is nuts, but these girls are on another planet. Look at your parents; they didn’t have all these fancy dating services; they met, hooked-up, got married, had kids and now thirty years later they hate each other, but they deal with it. That’s the healthy way to do things. So if you’re ex-girlfriend was on the show, it would have to mean one of two things, neither of which are awesome;

a) you dated a complete psychopath
b) you crushed her so bad that she has given up on dating and resorted to The Bachelor

Either way it doesn’t bode well for you. Yeah, it was kind of cute when she told you she “loved to watch you sleep” when you guys were dating, but when you put the pieces together you realize maybe that was a red-flag for a bigger issue. And since all the women on the show have these sad stories about having their hearts broken, which they pour out to the dude, chances are your dick move is going to come out to the public. So, that means if your current girlfriend watches you’re in trouble. If your mom watches, you’re in even bigger trouble. Basically, once the following happens, you’re fucked:

Girl: I just need to be honest with you.
Bachelor: (Nods, but really just staring at her boobs)
Girl: I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, Chris. I caught him cheating on me with a cocktail waitress. (Starts crying) He meant everything to me, but I realized everything we had was a lie
Bachelor: (More nodding, really saying to himself “this nut job’s gone”)

As soon as that happens, you obviously get the phone call from your mom about how she “can’t believe you did that to her” and that “she was such a nice girl. What am I going to say to her mother next time I see her, huh?” The one person in the world I don’t want to know what a sleaze I am is my mom. She still thinks I’m a polite, mature guy whose favorite drink is still chocolate milk. I don’t need her knowing I got hammered drunk and fucked a stripper, and there’s video evidence. Your dad will initially try and defend you, following the man code. But that only leads to a fight between him and your mom, and inevitably him being mad at you too. Real vicious cycle. And God forbid you’re dating a girl now who watches, you’re totally fucked dude. Now she’s knows you’re totally full of shit when you say you’re “not really a strip club guy” and that you only “go to Atlantic City (I’d say Vegas but I’m poor) to play blackjack and relax.” Your entire life comes spiraling down because you just happened to cheat on a Catherine Tramell wanna be.

You may say this theory is ridiculous, but these guys do exist, and I’m sure it’s not that far off. Bottom line, the Bachelor is great television. Because nothing makes better television than hot, crazy chicks. But if by some slim chance, you find yourself in this situation, the defense is pretty simple. The girl is on The Bachelor, she’s obviously fucking nuts. So although it appears for a little that you’re life is crumbling, it’s only a matter of time before everything is a-ok. Because if there’s one thing everyone can rally behind, it’s that you don’t fuck with crazy broads.

Who You Gonna Call?

Anyone who follows sports knows the Knicks suck. Their whole franchise top to bottom is pathetic. Yeah, they went on a run of 3 straight wins and 4 out of 5 recently, only to drop their last two and return back to their losing ways. James Dolan, the team’s owner, is still friends with Isiah Thomas. Isiah is universally recognized for digging the hole the Knicks find themselves in, how is that possible? That’s like someone coming into your home, lighting your couch on fire, punching your girlfriend in the face and you still being buddies with him. But apparently this group isn’t content with just embarrassing themselves on the floor. Following their loss to the Oklahoma City Thunder Monday night, the Daily News reported a few of the “players” placed the blame on something other than their play; on something paranormal.

OKLAHOMA CITY - The Knicks were afraid, very afraid. And it had nothing to do with the Oklahoma City Thunder. For two days, several players had trouble sleeping because they were convinced that their downtown hotel is haunted. "I definitely believe it," Jared Jeffries said. "The place is haunted. It's scary." Eddy Curry claims he slept for only two hours Sunday night because he couldn't stop thinking about ghosts roaming the hotel. For years, guests staying at the Skirvin Hilton have reported ghost sightings and strange noises. Legend has it that sometime in the 1930s, a woman jumped to her death while holding her baby in her hands.

"They said it happened on the 10th floor and I'm the only one staying on the 10th floor," Curry said. "That's why I spent most of my time in (Nate Robinson's) room. I definitely believe there are ghosts in that hotel." Assistant coach Herb Williams teased Jeffries and Curry for believing that the Skirvin is haunted, but Curry wasn't laughing. "There are too many stories," Curry said. "Something is going on there."

I guess this is what happens when either all your college classes are taken for you, or you skip college all-together to go pro. What are these dudes 12? Most people stop believing in ghosts when they stop believing in Santa Claus. I mean, it’s one thing if your staying in an abandoned mental asylum, in the middle of the woods in the pitch black; that would probably scare the shit out of me too. But the five-star hotel the Knicks stayed at probably had none of those characteristics. The scary tapping they thought was a ghost was really just room service knocking on the door to drop of their steak dinners. And I love that the two guys quoted in this article are Jared Jeffries and Eddy Curry, the two worst contracts on the roster. Haven’t they been trying to dump these two on another team for months now? Maybe the reasons extend beyond money and cap space, and to the fact that these two guys are retarded and have seen 1408 one too many times. There’s probably a reason you’re on a floor by yourself Eddy. An him bunking up in Nate Robinson’s room? That’s a recipe for a card game ending in gun threats.

The “ghosts” in the hotel aren’t what the Knicks should be afraid of; it’s another losing season, LeBron re-signing with Cleveland and that their 2010 first round pick belongs to Utah. The “ghost” of Isiah continues to haunt them.

That dog’ll hunt.

Song of the Day

Juelz Santana Featuring Chris Brown-Back To The Crib

Seduce Me, Mrs. Robinson

For most of us here in the U.S. we are usually oblivious to what's going on in the rest of the world. When there's some crazy terrorist attacks abroad it may be on the news for a day or two but then something else comes up in America like Mark McGwire did steroids and poof, later important news. If there is one thing that people love though, it's a sex scandal. Luckily for Harry Reid who was in the headline news for making some racist comments, news out of Ireland is going to save his ass. If you haven't seen the news today, I'm talking about how the first lady of Ireland has found herself amidst a sex scandal. If there is one thing America and I'm sure most countries love, it's sex scandals.

We've dealt with this before with good ol' Bill Clinton, but this is different, this is a woman, a grandma in fact. Her apparent lover? A teenage boy. Now, if you're like any normal dude in the world your dream since middle school is to sleep with an older woman. For the most part it's been limited to all the smoke show teachers you've had, but taking down any older decently looking woman is something you strive for. I can't imagine being this 19 year old kid. He banged one the most powerful women Ireland, that's pretty awesome, nice job buddy. I've been checking out this lady, Iris Robinson, she is not that attractive, but I guess the whole power thing is pretty appealing. Let's not forget though, she is a grandma. It'd be one thing if this woman was 40-something but she's 60, and probably has gross, saggy boobs.

Iris is taking the high road here and instead of saying she has some sort of mental illness she only blames herself and is terribly sorry to her husband, family and Ireland as a whole. Oh wait, no she's not doing that she IS saying she has a mental disorder that made her bang a 19 year old dude. Yeah, apparently Iris has been active in politics for quite some time and now all a sudden she's claiming she has a mental illness. This is like those male politicians who get caught banging other dudes and then claim they're not gay but had some mental problems. Nope those dudes are full blown gay, and as for Iris, she's just a cougar. I don't know how long this relationship had been going on or the legal age in Ireland, but anyone that calls her a pedophile is probably just jealous that the teenager got to take down an older chick. Would you guys bang her? I would.

Video

Ladainian Tomlinson, otherwise known as the unorginal "LT" went ahead and made up his own song and dance aka probably some jewish dudes made this for him. I've to got to admit its pretty catchy, and the dance move is pretty easy to do. Hopefully the Chargers don't get beat this weekend otherwise everyone will blame this video he made. The video itself is pretty trippy, but kudos to LT for making this. Check it out.

Song of the Day

This song is pretty old but I just heard it for the first time today. My friend who gives me a lot of songs sent me this so I'd like to give big Silkface a shoutout. The YouTube video has terrible sound but whatever, you can see the budget music video Fatlip made.

Fatlip-What's Up Fatlip

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want to

Let’s just get it out of the way before I go any further. I apologize, especially to Ravens fans who I respect, for the beating I took this past weekend with my NFL picks. I went a brutal 0-4, basically getting kicked in the balls repeatedly all weekend. Real bad stuff. I guess going forward I’ll just bet the opposite of what my gut says cause I really took it on the chin. I think it’s safe to say the Patriots are done and time to rewrite all other gambling rules I have when it comes to the NFL playoffs. Regardless of future approaches I am so pissed that Tony Romo won a playoff game. What would the odds have been for the 3-play parlay of Romo winning a playoff game, Sanchez winning a playoff game on the road, and a coach named Schottenheimer winning a playoff game on the road? 350-1?

Anyway, on to other things. This may make me seem like a total cock sucker, but I’ve got to get my voice heard here. A lot of people love to broadcast and celebrate their birthdays. Girls like to turn them into month long parties; other people throw themselves a rager, sending out evites/facebook messages, while others just obnoxiously remind you every time you speak to them that “their birthday is coming up.” I’m not one of those people. I don’t tell anyone it’s my birthday, I don’t throw myself a big party, I usually just hope its passes with little fan-fare. So as contradictory to my persona as this is, I’ll say that it was my birthday this past Sunday. Birthday’s used to be easy for me. My parents, siblings and a few of my good friends would call and wish me a happy birthday. I’d go out that night, get sloppy hammered with a few dudes and drop one drunken “hey, it’s my birthday” to some chick hoping for a sympathy hook-up. It was fun, easy and I didn’t have to worry about pleasing everyone. But one thing changed all that, ruining the low-key couple of friends birthday forever. Facebook.

Unlike Twitter, I don’t hate Facebook; in fact I like it. I don’t own a camera, so it doubles as a photo album of my life. Without it I would have no pictures of anything I’ve ever done, no real solid evidence that I even exist. It’s also good to find out what people you knew when you were 4 are doing now and of course for stalking hot chicks secretly. But the birthday notification kills me. Starting late Saturday night and all day Sunday, my phone exploded with emails about wall posts, received messages and texts from people wishing me a happy birthday. Now, I’m not necessarily bitter about this, the thought is very flattering. But it’s not because these people remembered my birthday, or are my friends, it’s because facebook told them. You know how I know they’re not my friends? Cause all my friends we’re actually with me, drinking beers and taking shots Saturday night. So, my phone ends up vibrating because Evan Smith, a dude I had one class with sophomore year in high school who I could’ve sworn was dead decided to write “Happy Birthday buddy!” on my facebook wall. What the hell possessed you to do that dude? I haven’t seen you since we were 16 and we didn’t even talk then. I mean, yeah it’s funny to know where Jenny Johnson from my 9 and under soccer team is now, but I’m not wishing her a happy birthday. That’s why it’s weird when she shoots me a “Happy birthday, how are you?” wall post. And the different types of birthday wishes all have different undertones too, at lease to me.

The Facebook wall post says, “Hey, I don’t really care, I saw it was your birthday on facebook and I want everyone to see I’m a good guy who knows these things.”

The Facebook message says, “Hey, I still don’t care, but I figured if I sent a message it’s a little more intimate. Maybe you’ll do the same on my birthday”

The rando text says, “Hey, we know each other well enough I have your number, but facebook told me it was your birthday so I want to seem like I care. We’re not friends; it’s just convenient that we know each other.”

You can tell the difference between the rando text from someone who saw it on facebook, and the ones that actually care. You’re good friends don’t usually say “Happy Birthday buddy!” It’s usually a mix of derision and homophobia like “Hey fag, I left a floater in your toilet for your birthday. How old are you now 13? Virgin.” They never actually put the words “happy” and “birthday” next to each other. Those are the ones that mean the most.

While it may sound like I’m upset that people wish me well on my birthday, I’m not bitter. Obviously there are exceptions to my theories and good friends too use the facebook wall. Maybe their techy dudes, or abroad somewhere and they can’t call; it’s not all smoke and mirrors and ulterior motives. I’m just confused and like to question peoples’ reasoning behind everything. That may be a bit sinister, but you know who else did that? Sherlock Holmes, that’s who.

That dog’ll hunt