Friday, February 26, 2010

Top 5 Things You Never Want To Hear Your Girlfriend Say

This seems like it would be a post written by Tom, but it is actually written by the Nervous Circle foreign correspondent, yours truly, Jim. This has nothing to do with Germany, or Europe or anything foreign for that matter. The idea came to me the other day when my girlfriend said something horrible to me... And, with that, I give you the number 5 worst thing your GF can say to you.

5. One day I'm going to stick my finger up your ass. - Clearly this is terrible. This is a statement that nobody ever, EVER wants to hear. But, the thing that got me was the suspense... "one day..." Will it be today? Tomorrow? Will she do it during sex? Or while I'm doing the dishes? Basically for the rest of our relationship I have to live in fear. For some, they might think this should be higher up on the list of terrible things a GF can say, but in reality there are much worse things that can happen to you. It's going to happen one way or another when we get our prostates checked by our doctor.

4. We can't have sex. - Well, this just straight up sucks for two reasons: Number one, obviously you can't have sex. Number 2, it is most likely that time of the month and your girl will be even more moody and angry at you than usual. Some guys might actually be happy with this thinking that she is forced into giving you blowies for a week, but for most of us it means cuddling and watching Scrubs. Or there is always the alternative to just run the red light, play it old school, but I'm over that stage of my life. I'm not an 8th grader anymore.

3. I want to break up with you. - Nobody likes to get dumped. Especially if you really like the girl, then it really sucks and you'll be a sad, whiny bitch for awhile. Even if you don't care that much, the fact that she broke up with you just means that she liked you even less than you liked her.

2. I'm pregnant. - First thing that goes through your mind, "please be pro-choice." Second thing, "Why didn't I pay more attention in health class?" She'll ask you what do you think and you'll say, "It's your body and your choice." When all you are really thinking is please get an "A Word" ( abortion), I mean this is something no teenage dude or young 20 year old bro wants to hear. Your life flashes before your eyes and all you see is a 1 bedroom apartment and the head managerial job at Mcdonalds. But, there is still hope with this statement, which brings me to the absolute worst thing a guy can hear his girlfriend say...

1. I'm keeping it. - This is a bomb few young men recover from. Your hopes and dreams have now been crushed and that fear of being broke with a kid in a 1 bedroom apartment working the night managerial shift at Mcdonalds has become a reality. Don't get me wrong, I want to have kids some day, but just not right now. I can't even remember to bathe myself, how the hell am I going to take care of a kid?

Hope this wasn't offensive to any of the female readers at NC. Maybe we'll do a list of things a guy should never say to his GF. Has that been done already?

OK, take it easy city slicker.


Boner's Last Stand

The other day I posted the horrible news that Richard “Boner” Stabone (aka Andrew Koenig) had been reported missing in Vancouver. Unfortunately, the tragedy that everyone was kind of expecting came to fruition yesterday. Koenig’s body was found by friends in Stanley Park, a park where he apparently liked to go on long walks. (I’d like to take this time to point out that, while this is a terrible tragedy, I’ve always found the best way to deal with the loss of an icon is to try and focus on the good things, the funny things. Humor is the cure for anything that ails you, so I’m not trying to be insensitive, I simply grieving in my own way. So don’t tell me how to grieve.) Let’s back track for a second though; if Koenig was missing in Vancouver, and he liked taking long walks in Stanley Park, wasn’t that the first place the Vancouver Police checked? How did his friends and family, not the po-po, find his body when they were “doing one more sweep of the park?” I know they like to smoke weed up there, but who’s the chief of police, Tommy Chong?

This seems like a retarded oversight to me. It’s possible the friends that found him were co-stars from his brief stint on 21 Jump Street, which would explain their natural ability for police work, but regardless this doesn’t reflect well on Canadian law enforcement. “So he was depressed and loved long walks in Stanley Park, eh? Have we checked the stands at the women’s snowboard half-pipe final? No? Get Deputy Corky Thatcher over there ASAP!” Real top-notch police work by the Canadian Mounties. Police spokeswoman Jana McGuinness said the body “could not be seen from the path.” I mean, who commits suicide off the path? You can’t really blame the Vancouver police for not wanting to get their boots dirty and check the woods. Those Mounties boots aren’t cheap. Police are leaning towards suicide as cause of death, but haven’t ruled out a botched attempt at the Nordic combined. Added McGuinness, “eh?

Now, I understand that people like to hold out hope for loved ones when they go missing, but we all expected this. Koenig was apparently depressed and had sold off many of his possessions and moved out of his apartment before heading north. Friends and family were clinging on to the small possibility that Boner was simply “laying low” in Vancouver. I mean it made sense; when I want to get away and not be found I usually head to a city that’s hosting the largest international spots event in the world.

And just as his character in the hit show Growing Pains would’ve wanted, Richard Stabone got one last laugh before he took his own life. I would be willing to assume that the two most popular Google searches today will be the phrases “Boner Growing Pains” and “Boner found dead,” both of which put a smile on my face. The look on the face of the compliance/tech guy that can see everything I do on my computer at work will also be priceless. And just a warning; these things tend to happen in threes, so if I were Cody Lambert from Step by Step or Steve Hale from Full House, I would watch out.

So rest in peace Andrew Koenig, and thanks for everything Boner Stabone. You stood erect among the mass of flaccid character actors in late 80’s sitcoms. Boner truly touched everyone.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Ro-Add Trip

Tomorrow night Spaniard and I will embark on a journey to upstate New York for a weekend filled with booze, basketball and hopefully babes. We will be spending the weekend at Syracuse University to watch the Big East showdown of #7/8 Villanova verse #4 Syracuse. Well, I don't even know if I'll be attending the game but you better believe I'll be having a blast while it's going on. Also, I can give two shits about who wins. But back to the whole journey part of this trip. I'm calling it a journey because it's taking place during the night and it will be snowing, both integral parts in the definition of the word journey. Okay, so maybe it's not a journey and more of a road trip but whatever, I'm really not looking forward to it. The reason I'm not looking forward to it is because road trips honestly suck. The entire trip with stops and stuff should take about 4.5 hours. I know what some of you are thinking "Pssh, 4.5 hours, that's nothing, I've driven like 17 hours once!" Well, for starters, I'm sorry you're poor and couldn't afford a plane ticket, secondly, to me, once a travel time in a car exceeds 4 hours, it mine as well be 17 hours.

Road trips are so overrated. They always seem like they'd be fun and cool right? You and your buddies, shootin' the shit, jamming to beats in anticipation of getting to some cool destination but then 2 hours into the trip all your friends are asleep, your lower back is killing you, and the CD your buddy made has the same exact songs as the CD your other friend made. Back in my days at Butler after they axed the lacrosse program my friends and I went to Miami for Spring Break. Half of us flew, while the other half drove. I'm pretty sure out of my friends who drove, 2 of them never made it, but then again Spring Break 2K7 was all a blur. Woooo! College! But seriously I would never drive in a car that long.

I've been on some lengthy road trips and they're never fun. Maybe I'm just driving in the wrong parts of the U.S. I mean, driving through upstate New York makes me second guess my state pride and driving through the midwest makes me second guess America as a whole. This road trip will be worth it as long as "Cuse Nation" shows me a good time. So to anyone who will be at Syracuse this weekend, please come find me. I'll be the drunk guy.

And the Nostalgia Continues....

Remember when you were a young buck and simple things would get you all riled up? I’m talking about simple things like Legos or a giant cardboard box, real elementary stuff. But much like today, commercials were what really got the kids to buy whatever crap was the hot product. Remember there used to be tons of commercials for awesome toys? Maybe it's because I don’t watch Saturday morning cartoons anymore (or, not that much) but I feel like the only commercials I see now are for beer and Oxi-Clean products. Sure there are still a few good jingles out there, but it's not the central part of commercials like it used to be. When I was a youth, if I saw an awesome commercial with a catchy theme song for some retarded toy or game, I had to have it. Thank God my parents were cool and would usually drop the $10-15 on the useless piece of crap just to shut me up. If not I'd probably be into poetry and Coldplay now.

So, although this may be more of a personal list, these are the top 5 most memorable commercials from my childhood. Not necessarily most memorable because of the product, but more because I still find myself singing the jingle now and again. And on a side note, I thought I might have a little trouble finding some of these; no sir. Apparently there are people even more retarded than I am, but they're computer savvy enough to put these on YouTube. God bless those people.

5- Mr. Bucket

Finds it way onto the list, not because it was a great toy, in fact I don’t know anyone who actually had it, but rather because even at a young age the line “I’m Mr. Bucket, balls pop out of my mouth” was hilarious. And was this the attempt of the toy maker to create the most ambiguously gay toy of all-time? Seriously, this has to be the dumbest game ever, just putting balls in a bucket and waiting for them to come out. "No honey, don't hire a babysitter, we'll just get the kids a Mr. Bucket, they'll be occupied for hours while we're out scoring crack." Real educational stuff.

4- Flintstones Vitamins

Ten million strrrrroonnnnng….and growing. Who could forget that? Great stuff, but really they didn’t even need the clever jingle to sell these things. Kids loved them cause they tasted like candy and parents loved them because they were “vitamins.” These things were crack for grade schoolers. They're also a vital part of a theory of mine. Now, personally I have a strong immune system, I rarely get sick. I can say the same for my brothers. And, maybe it’s just me being a hard-ass, but I feel like kids nowadays get sick a lot more often than I did when I was growing up. The reason? Because I ate Flintstones Vitamins like they were Pez. They had to have something good for you in them, so by going through a bottle a week I was loading up on some sort of super medicine that protected me from all ailments. Without knowing it, Flintstones Vitamins created a generation of super-humans. Don't believe me? Ask LeBron James, Michael Phelps, Reggie Bush and Sidney Crosby if they took Flintstones Vitamins. I feel like parents now either a) don’t give Flintstones Vitamins because they’re total crap or b) don’t let kids consume mass quantities because they’re “medicine.” Look, if it were possible to overdose on Flintstones Vitamins, I would’ve done it by age 6. And the line in the commercial "no one knows more about helping kids grow into it than Flintstones?" I'll take a doctor over Fred Flintstone.

3- Connect Four

GO FOR IT, CONNECT FOUR! Now this was a great game. Again, no real skills involved, but just non-stop action. Sure my 10 year old cousin can whoop my ass in chess, but bust out a Connect Four game and I’ll mop the floor with the little shit. And the jingle was what a jingle should be; catchy, simple and to the point. How many times when someone says “go for it” now does someone else chime in with an aggressive “CONNECT FOUR!”? I’d say 75-80% is a safe assumption, but again, that could be because my friends are retarded.

2- Cross Fire

The game Cross Fire was a major player in a serious sea change right at the perfect time. We were getting a little older in the mid 90’s starting to move on from “little kid games” when Milton Bradley dropped this bomb on us. The commercial was sick; two dudes in sick leather jackets battling in out in what strangely resembles a futuristic Hell, through lightning bolts and molten lava and ending with a rock-star type high pitched “CROSSSSFIYYYYYAAAA!!!!” Listen to the song, it sounds like the lead singer of a Van Halen cover band; dude can hit all the notes. I still sing this song and it always gets a solid reaction from dudes my age, and looks of “what the fuck are you talking about,” from girls and younger bros. Believe me, it's worth knowing this song.

1- PlaySkool Dinosaurs

This is definitely more of a personal one, but MGM knows exactly what I’m talking about. PlaySkool, who was no stranger to success in the "useless toy" world, really knocked the ball out of the park with their Dinosaurs. I mean, you could play with them real rough! I don’t think I’ll ever forget the lyrics to this commercial, which completely personified toys of the late 80’s and early 90’s. Poor production quality, shitty set, crappy toys, a catchy theme song and of course, kids with bowl-cuts. Love the line by the dude at the end. No you didn't scare me bro, but your inevitable slide into child-actor drugs and alcohol definitely scared your parents.

Honorable mention: Chia, Hess Truck, Hungry-Hungry Hippos
Would love to hear other peoples' favorites so I can relive being 8 again and escape from the cruel, cruel world that is my adult life.

Song of the Day

So this song isn't a full song at all, it's just a very short and creative remix of Paula Abdul's "Straight Up." It was performed last week by American Idol's Andrew Garcia. I'm a big Idol fan this year. I haven't watched it since the first season so I figured it's never too late to jump on the bandwagon again. Also, I think Andrew Garcia is going to win.

Big Game Tonight.....In Women's Hockey?

Women's sports are and always will be in the shadow of their male sport counterpart. It's just the way it is, sorry girls, your sports just suck to watch. With that being said, there is a huge Olympic hockey game tonight, that being the gold medal game between USA and Canada. But guess what? I bet you that half of the NC readers had no idea the game was tonight and the other half had no idea there was an actual game. The only time people cared about a woman's sport was back in '99 when USA beat China in the World Cup and Brandi Chastain took her shirt off. The moment she did that every dude in the US collectively went "Is this what always happens in women's sports?" I guess that sounds sexist, but it's the truth. I was 13 years old at the time, when my teenage hormones really started kicking in and I'm pretty sure I thought Brandi Chastain was one of the best looking women I had ever seen.

Anyway, after this whole sports bra situation died down people stopped caring about women's sports all over again. They're just so boring to watch. Can anyone tell me who won the WNBA championship last year? I could easily Google it right now and have the answer for you but I really don't care. Now when you involve an entire country in a sport, people do take some interest. The keyword in that sentence is SOME. The hockey game tonight is clearly not that big of a deal because the game is being played on MSNBC (6 ET if you're really interested, but there's also The Office reruns on TBS at 6:30). I'll tune into the game tonight, strictly because I love rooting for America and who knows, maybe there will be a Chastain-esque celebration again.

That's An Old Dog

Everybody loves food. We love food so much there's an entire network (one of my favorites) devoted to it. Now after hearing about a 140 year old hot dog found on Coney Island I couldn't help but think of one thing: Would I eat it? I mean, if you're like me then throughout your life you've always come across certain food challenges. For the most part, aside from a standard hot wings challenge, these food challenges consist of very gross foods like eating an entire stick of butter. But this is a hot dog, I don't think they ever go bad kinda like a Twinkie. Well, maybe after 140 years they go bad but still, aren't you tempted as to knowing what this thing tastes like? You'll without a doubt get sick but if someone was willing to pay your medical bills wouldn't you house that thing? I know I would. Harry Caray would.

I think it's also really strange how people found a 140 year old hot dog. The reason this thing was found was because they were destroying some building on Coney Island and were going through the building getting rid of stuff before it was demolished. CNN said that archaeologists found the hot dog. I don't know if that's correct. When I hear the word archaeologist I think of some English guy sweating his balls off in khaki clothing standing in the middle of a desert. I'm pretty sure the "archaeologists" that found this hot dog were named Juan and Guerillmo and they were wearing Fubu jeans with Harley Davidson sweatshirts they got at a local community center. But back to my main point. Would I eat this dog? Yes, I would. I'd throw some chili on it too and have a classic chili dog, plus if I do end up getting sick I can blame the chili as well.

Also, for your entertainment, here's another hilarious SNL Harry Caray skit.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Top 5 People You See At A Bar

The Dancer-This guy is easily recognizable. You're at bar with no known dance floor and yet this Michael Jackson wannabe has taken the initiative to make the dance floor 2 feet away from where your standing. It'd be one thing if this guy was joking around but after he crip walks for the 9th time you start noticing that he is all about showing off his ridiculous and retarded moves. You're annoyed at first but then realize you can't help but watch this guy start full-on groping his girlfriend in front of everyone. You think he'll stop but he doesn't, and it becomes almost like an amateur porno right in front of your eyes.

Obnoxious drunk guy-Obviously most bars are filled with obnoxious drunk guys, but this is the dude who stands out amongst them all. He's usually the sweaty, slightly overweight person, covered in liquor and his own piss. He'll bump into you, spill his beer all over you and then feel the need to apologize to you for about 5 minutes. Instead of the classic "my bad dude, I'll buy you a shot" he gets about 3 inches away from your face and starts talking about how much his salary is and why he only drinks Patron. Don't be surprised if the obnoxious drunk guy went to a big time football school and randomly breaks into "O-H...I-O" chants.

Full-suit bro-Yeah, it's not that bad when you see a guy in a full suit around 5 or 6pm on a weeknight but when it's a Saturday, around 2 in the morning you can't only help but think that this dude is purposely rocking a french collared shirt with a pinstripe suit. Even when I see people on Friday nights in suits I wonder if they had the opportunity to go back to their apartments to change out of their work clothes. The thing is, yeah, most of those ass clowns you see in suits did have time to go home and change but felt the need to rock their suits out because I guess they lack confidence to wear regular clothes and of course, they want to get with whatever unstable, coke whore thinks their cufflinks are sexy. Easy Patrick Bateman.

The Loner-You'd think someone who was all by themselves wouldn't cause a problem, but the loner who is either sitting down at a table or in the corner of the bar is apparently grilling the shit out of the girl your with. You haven't noticed a thing but every 30 seconds your girlfriend will hit you and say "look, he's staring at me." You being too drunk to care just point out that the guy has a lip ring and looks like a criminal you saw on "America's Most Wanted." The thing is, you weren't joking.

The Fighter-Now, usually this guy is easy to spot. He'll most likely be at the bar, not smiling and constantly mean mugging the shit out of people. I think he's upset because no one has complimented him on his Ed Hardy shirt. I don't quite understand the people who need to fight at bars, but hey, I'll be front row when they start swinging. Usually the fighter guy will get in a fight with a far inferior person. Instead of fighting someone who is 6'3, 220, he opts to fight the 5'8, 140 pound accountant. Good work my bromigo, you just beat up the head of Lambda Lambda Lambda.

Free Willy Goes Crazy

As I got bored of watching the Canada-Russia game I went to and stumbled across quite the story. A SeaWorld trainer was killed by what else, a killer whale. I'll tell you what, if you're surprised by this you need to realize that the whale is called a killer for a reason. That's like people being surprised that a person named rapist Joe, raped someone. Remember when Roy of Sigfried and Roy got mauled by a tiger? Yeah, well I agree with what Chris Rock said regarding the tiger. He said that that tiger didn't go crazy, it went tiger. I'm sure there were will be tons of people all over the news who will try to analyze what made this whale go crazy. I'll tell you what made the whale go crazy, it lived in a fucking tank, did retarded tricks for frozen fish and had to perform in front of a bunch of overweight, hard-to-please, rednecks who only want to get splashed. Don't get me wrong, it's absolutely awful that this woman was killed, but this is just another reason why wild animals belong in the wild, especially if they're name involves the word "killer."

To make matters worse there was an entire crowd there watching this go down. You better believe SeaWorld is going to have some lawsuits coming there way. I've seen some really fucked up shit in my life, but seeing a whale maul a person would be numero uno on my list of fucked up things I've seen. Actually, it may come in close 2nd to the most disturbing internet video ever; one man, one jar. I think I'd rather be a lion trainer than a whale trainer. Wait, no scratch that, I'd actually never want to be a trainer of either. I'm satisfied with training my golden retriever puppy. Puppies are chick magnets, while whales are things you learn about in 2nd grade and never care about again and lions well those are the fucking kings of the jungle. So while the death of the trainer Dawn Brancheau is sad and awful, I think it's just another reason as to why an animal of this size belongs in the wild, killing seals, instead of human beings. Also the whale that murdered this woman was named Tillikum and was actually involved in other deaths I guess. The thing has it's own YouTube video, check it out, pretty crazy stuff.

Causing a (Hannah) Shit-Storm

Aside from his brief and terrible stint on Monday Night Football, I’m a big Tony Kornheiser fan. Obviously I’m a big fan of Pardon the Interruption, and I’ve seen him speak in person and he’s hilarious, brutally honest, and generally not afraid to answer any questions or piss people off. And since we have an appreciation of obnoxious and offensive comments, we here at NC give Tony a big stamp of approval. But now Tony may have put his foot a little too far in his mouth. As I’m sure everyone knows Mr. Kornheiser has been suspended from ESPN for “some time” for making comments on his radio show about anchor Hannah Storms outfit.

“Hannah Storm in a horrifying, horrifying outfit today. She's got on red go-go boots and a catholic school plaid skirt ... way too short for somebody in her 40s or maybe early 50s by now...She's got on her typically very, very tight shirt. She looks like she has sausage casing wrapping around her upper body ... I know she's very good, and I'm not supposed to be critical of ESPN people, so I won't ... but Hannah Storm ... come on now! Stop! What are you doing? ... She's what I would call a Holden Caulfield fantasy at this point."

Although Kornheiser apologized, the damage was already done. Was her outfit a little ridiculous? No doubt about it; it certainly merited a joke at some point, whether on camera or behind her back when him and Wilbon go out for beers and hookers. But a full fledged attack, featuring a JD Salinger reference on it was a ballsy move, and it clearly backfired straight into his face. As much as we like to make fun of women, minorities, idiots, religious people and ourselves on this site, you cross a line with women when you go after three things.

The first obviously is their weight. This is a no-no that even Kornheiser recognizes. If you want to get kicked in the balls, then make fun of a woman’s weight. The second is their age, and the third is their clothes, both of which Tony obviously covered. And not only did he say her age, he even OVERSHOT it with the “maybe early 50’s” line (she’s 47). Now, it may be hard for guys to really grasp exactly how much these mean to women. We make fun of each other for everything, but were a lot more callused than women; they’re sensitive. And although I probably have no idea either, I’ve developed an analogy.

-Making fun of a woman’s weight is the equivalent of making fun of a dudes dick size and sexual prowess; it really cuts to the bone. No chick wants to be fat, and no dude wants to be a chump.

-Pointing out a woman’s age is the same as making fun of a dude who can’t drink. Every chick wants to look younger, and every dude wants to look like they can crush beers. Both develop methods to make it look like they can, and when all that work is exposed, it’s no fun for anyone.

-And finally, making fun of a woman’s clothing is the equivalent of questioning a bro’s fan-hood. Women identify themselves by their style and apparel, much in the way I identify myself as a New York Giants fan. Don’t question a woman’s sense of individual style, and don’t question my irrational obsession with a professional football team.

My favorite part of this whole charade is Tony’s actual apology.

“I apologize unequivocally. ... I was wrong. This is sort of what I do, and I'm sorry for it. ... Not the first time and won't be the last time but I apology for it this time."

And his apology on his radio show:

“(I’m) a sarcastic, subversive guy... I'm a troll; look at me. I have no right to insult what anyone else looks like, what anyone else wears."

Perfect Tony. Usually self-deprecation is the key back-peddling from a dumb comment, but Tony earned points in my eyes for basically admitting that he’s done this before, and he’s relatively confident that somewhere down the road he’s going to say something so offensive it merits a suspension again. He’s not going to change who he is or how his does his job, he’s going to take his licks and pick out his next target, hopefully Stuart Scott. And when I take a step back and examine the whole situation, I come to two realizations. One is that, although her outfit was ridiculous and she is 47, I’d smash Hannah Storm no questions asked. She looks great for her age, and regardless of real-world physical attractiveness, an extra 1-1.5 points must be added (on the 10 point scale) for a chick that talks about sports for a living.

And the second? Tony, I love you, but you wear what is without a doubt the most ridiculous attempt at a comb-over I’ve ever seen. It’s Homer Simpson-esque. Tony is 62 years old, but if someone had given that as an over-under, I would’ve bet big on the over. He looks like the love child of Mr. Burns and Scooter from the Muppets. So let’s get our game right, and instead of calling out the 47-year-old cougar with a tight body and “fuck me” boots, maybe come to grips with your non-existent hairline and keep the comments to yourself. With that said, I think ESPN biffed by suspending Kornheiser. This is what he does, he makes fun of people. And although women can be sensitive about their clothing, nothing he said was overtly sexual or offensive, except maybe the age thing. If anything, they should give him and Storm an hour special hosted by the two of them; just let them go back and forth making fun of each other. Sure it will probably end with viewers being offended and Storm in tears, but hey, that’s great television. And at the very least, we’ll never see those boots again.

With that said Tony, you’re still the man. Keep up the good work.

Song of the Day

Sweet Back Hair

Sorry for the lack of posts yesterday but we were busy yesterday with other things, such as working in Spaniard's case, and getting violently ill in mine. I don't think there is anything worse than just sitting around and all of a sudden getting beyond sick for a few hours. I think I ate a bad clementine, because it tasted like shit and after I ate it, I was not feeling too hott for the rest of the day. Ok, enough about me being sick, it's time to write about something gross. The gross topic being back hair. Back hair is an issue I fortunately do not have to deal with. There are however, plenty of people who face this the issue of resembling a gorilla. Now, dudes who have back hair are often times fat. I don't know what the deal is but I think the fatter you are, the more back hair you grow. I'm sure there's some scientific reasoning to this, but I'll tell you what, for fat people it's just a double slap in the face. It's bad enough that they're fat, but then add on back hair and they're considered fat and gross. I can't help but think of the Dirty Work scene when Norm MacDonald asks for his shirt back and the guy is just covered in hair.

Now the worst form of back hair is when a girl has it. Obviously girl back hair is different than a dude's back hair, but that doesn't mean it's not gross. Is there a bigger turn off than back hair on a chick aside from a bad teeth to gums ratio? When I see a girl with noticeable lower back hair, I completely lose my appetite for the day. If I were a girl, and I had some back hair, I'd address this issue right away. As for all the bros out there with back hair, I don't know what to tell you, maybe lose some weight?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

What's Your Life Worth?

If you woke up this morning tired, depressed and dreading going to work or class, well I'd say it's time to reevaluate things because some people have it far worse than you. Don't worry I'm not going to make this some preachy post about children in 3rd world countries, instead I'm going to tell you about how two kids were sold in exchange for an exotic bird and $175 dollars. You would assume that something like this would take place in a impoverished country, but it didn't; it took place in Louisiana. The woman who sold the children is Donna Louise Greenwell. Maybe it's a good thing they were sold, look at that woman, she's frightening to look at. Anyway, we all hope our lives are worth something more than a bird and $175 dollars but I guess not for these little bros. These kids are going to clearly have some issues when they're older, and by issues I mean they'll become emo-goth weirdos. They will also always have a disdain for cockatoos, and of course, $175 dollars.

Look, I know nothing about selling human beings, but I think you could get more for 2 people. I mean, let's be real, this woman clearly had poor bargaining experience. What I don't understand is why this woman wanted a cockatoo? These kids must be really annoying if she wanted cockatoo; a cockatoo is one of the most loud and obnoxious birds to own. I'm not big into birds at all, but if I had a choice, I'd choose a Canadian goose over a cockatoo. Instead of going to jail she was only sentenced to 15 months of hard labor and was also the winner for this week's "biggest piece of shit" award.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Weekend of Sports

Pretty wild weekend for sports. It started off wild with Tiger's monotone, robotic statement. I have never been more annoyed with sports media outlets than I was this weekend watching and listening to analysts breakdown whether or not Tiger meant what he was saying. I couldn't believe it. It was the most retarded thing I have ever seen. Every 15 minutes I'd hear, "Let's bring in Chip Ballsack from San Diego Star Tribue Regional Collegian Online Newsletter and see if he has any input on whether Tiger was being truthful or not." I said this before and I'll say it again, Tiger did not have to apologize to me and I don't care who or what he has sex with. Strippers, hookers, Hooter's waitresses', it's all good Tiger, just get back out on the course so I can start watching golf again.

In New York sports, Tracy McGrady made his Knicks debut. I know this isn't a big deal for any NC readers who don't give a shit about the NBA or the Knicks, but not only did he have a great game in his debut, but having McGrady's expiring contract on the team really helps the Knicks chances of signing some big time players this summer like LeBron James. I'd be the biggest fair-weather Knicks fan if Lebron comes to town, I mean, who wouldnt be?

In the Olympics, USA just kept on trucking in terms of collecting medals. Bode Miller finally got a gold medal, but nothing was bigger than USA's win last night verse Canada, or shall I call them Canadud? It was a great game, and there's nothing like beating a bunch of beady eyed, frosted tipped Canadians. Even if you don't like hockey, I'm sure you like America so you better be excited we took a dump on an absolutely STACKED Canadian team.

Lastly, in the world of "what the fuck sport is that?" for the majority of people who don't live in the northeast, the most dominant, unknown sports team, Trinity College's Squash team won it's 12th straight national championship. It's making headline news not because of the dominance of this team but because of how Trinity's Baset Chaudry got in the face of Yale's Kenneth Chanar after Chaudry won the match. I think it's awesome. It just shows that squash can get super intense, especially when two complete bad asses like Chanar and Chaudry get intense. No but seriously, both of these kids look like the kids who you copy off of in class and potentially own Birkenstocks. I know we have followers both at Yale and Trinity, can I get some confirmation on this?

Anyone seen Boner?

Unfortunately, this may be a total non-event for a lot of our readers, but hopefully some of the older folks remember a little show called Growing Pains. Aside from staring religious nut-job and DJ Tanner’s brother Kirk Cameron and being Leonardo DiCaprio’s big-break, Growing Pains had without a doubt one of the sweetest sitcom theme songs of all time. The cast has had it’s fair share of problems, but it remains a family favorite for dudes in my age bracket.

Fans may also remember Mike Seaver’s friend Richard “Boner” Stabone who appeared in 25 episodes played by diminutive actor Andrew Koenig. He was certainly a memorable character. Really, he could’ve been a mute that appeared in one episode and he still would’ve gone down in TV history. How can you forget a character named Boner Stabone? That’s the beauty of television from my younger years; you could really push the envelope, and parents really didn’t care. Sure they wouldn’t let their kids watch NYPD Blue or something like that, but family sitcoms could have a character named after a hard-on in them no problemo. Can you imagine if there was a character named Boner on a family sitcom like Two and a Half-Men today? The public outcry would be outrageous. They would have to write the character off the show, or have his name changed to the more politically correct “Erection.” TV has just changed man

Anyway, Boner disappeared while vacationing with friends in Vancouver. He was last seen on February 14th and was supposed to return home to Venice, California last Tuesday. Police say his family is concerned, as they characterized him as despondent. I don’t mean to make a joke out of this, but if you’re best known for playing a guy named Boner on a show from 20 years ago and you’re 5’5”, 135 pounds there’s probably a decent chance of you being “despondent.” Sure, he was in other things, but if you’re walking down the street and people consistently scream out “Hey Boner!” you kind of have a reason to be a little depressed. And look at the picture in the link compared to the one top left. He went from boner to what looks like a self-loathing hipster. Anyway, we can only hope that Boner comes back safe and sound. The worlds just not the same without him. As Kirk Cameron said in regard to his disappearance, “I refuse to acknowledge the B word, as I am a bat-shit crazy, irrational religious head case who believes in crocoducks.” (Ok, I made that up) You know what Kirk Cameron gave up for Lent? Child molestation. It’s going to be tough for him.

Also, in doing a bit of nostalgic research for this post, I remembered that Maggie Seaver (played by Joanna Kerns) was a total cougar and by the looks of it, still falls under that category. Joanna you are quite the minx.

Beware of fish people. They are the true enemy. -Frank Zappa

Song of the Day

This is the theme song for the new HBO show, How To Make It In America. It's an okay show so far, not really much going on in the show as there has only been 2 episodes. One positive part of the show is there is always good songs throughout each episode.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Tiger Gate: The Statement

My immediate thoughts on the carefully concocted Tiger press conference circus:

I’m not sure if that was actually Tiger Woods or a robot that looked like him making that speech today. Seriously, I don’t think his facial expression changed once, and it looked like all he could do was rotate at his waist and nod his head. Carefully selected blue shirt and blazer; very basic, non-threatening. And no tie of course; he’s not at a funeral. He’s just a regular joe trying to work out a kink in his marriage. He might swing by Dunkin Donuts and pick up a coffee and a bear claw after this. I love it. How bad did Tiger really want to wear a “The Man-The Legend” shirt to the podium for this? I would’ve given him a standing ovation for that, right in the middle of my office. I love that even Tiger Woods, the one guy who really should not give a fuck what anyone thinks, has to go through this staged charade. Michael Jordan would never do this. You know what he did when there we’re alleged issues (i.e. gambling) during his career? He went and played another sport. That’s not an apology, that’s an “I’m the fucking man” statement. His Airness always had rumors of infidelities surrounding him, but now all anyone ever whispers about is how smoking hot his new girlfriend is. And as intimidating as Tiger is on the golf course, his borderline threats to the media about “leaving his family alone” were pretty weak. I mean, being the most intimidating guy on a golf course is like being the hottest fat chick, but still, I’ve never looked at Tiger before and thought to myself, “I could whoop that guy’s ass.” Today I felt like that.

But Tiger, you didn’t owe me an apology. The only people you should have to apologize to are your wife and kids. You didn’t let me down dude, you were never my role model, and do you know why? Because I suck at golf, I’m white and I’m not a millionaire. I can’t use you as a role model because its pretty much impossible you and I will ever have anything in common aside from the fact that we both really like sex. So I just admire your lifestyle from afar. Bottom line, Tiger is a total G. I would still love to be Tiger Woods for a day. If a genie popped out of some lamp and granted you three wishes, I think 95% of the men in the world would say, “be a millionaire, bang a swimsuit model and play golf everyday.” Tiger has all that, and STILL wasn’t satisfied. That’s how much cooler Tiger is than all of us. Our fantasies are boring to him. So save the apology and the attempt at the “normal guy” image Tiger; maybe throw me a few bills or one of the porn-stars you were tagging instead.

But Tiger was flowing along, doing the typical “I let my family down” spiel, and I started to lose interest. Then he busted out the secret weapon I never saw coming; the religion card! Throwing around Buddhism like he’s Richard Gere. We all know Tiger is half-Chinese, half-black, but this is the first time he’s ever tried to exploit his Asian side. “No, no, you don’t understand, I’m a Buddhist, and I’ve lost my way. Oh, you didn’t know that? I’m only the most watched athlete in the world, of course the heavy influence of my Buddhist faith wouldn’t be known by everyone on Earth.” Totally awesome move by Tiger. So he’s already used the two best defenses of his wrong-doings. The “I have a problem” tactic was evident when he checked himself into sex rehab, and now the “religion” tactic that his faith will guide him towards reconciliation. That’s really all the American public needs tiger.

But just when you thought he couldn’t contrive any other way to appear as an apologetic, broken man, he busted out the ultimate empathizer. The Mom hug; the absolute money shot. “Hey, his mom still loves him, she even gave him a hug! Maybe we should just sweep this all under the rug.” Then he followed it up with a series of bro-hugs with 4 or 5 dudes who looked like total dorks. “Look, his bros stood by him. Bros over hoes dude….bros over hoes.” I mean, if there has ever been cannon fodder for a Saturday Night Live skit, this is it. The writers over there are licking their chops.

But again, America loves the “come-back kid.” I just think Tiger needs to get it together, come out and birdie the first whole he plays and shut-everyone up. Ray Lewis was an accomplice to murder, but as soon as he made a tackle for a loss in his first game he went back to “future hall of famer” from “murder accomplice.” And what did Ray do? He played the religion card. This is America people, we shouldn’t ask our icons to apologize for shit like this. 40 something years ago our President, John F. Kennedy was banging Marilyn Monroe on the side. You may have heard of JFK; he's on the fucking half-dollar. Wilt Chamberlain, another iconic athlete, claimed to have slept with 20,000 women during his career. That’s 19,989 more women than Tiger allegedly slept with. It’s a depressing sign of the times. Back in the day Wilt was idolized for banging that many women. Today all that gets you is herpes and a press conference. So Tiger, we here at NC still love you; you just need to forget all this appeasing everyone crap and get back to making Phil Mickleson look like a joke.

Take the Kama Sutra. How many people died from the Kama Sutra, as opposed to the Bible? Who wins? - Frank Zappa

Pre-Tiger, Olympic DOTW

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but now that we’re a good chunk into the Winter Olympics I thought I’d reiterate and clarify some of my thoughts. I’ve never really been that into the winter games, at least not as much as I am into the summer games. Maybe it’s just the emergence of Michael Phelps as the bro-tastic American hero, or that I prefer warm weather, but the winter Olympics have always been missing that “x” factor. Plus, the male figure skating makes me really, really uncomfortable. I just always felt that, aside from hockey and skiing, the winter Olympics were kind of “mmehhh.” In track and swimming it’s a race; you know who won immediately. There’s no charade of supposedly unbiased judges, and waiting for everyone to do their runs, there’s just winners and losers. I think I just need to be able to definitively say “Wow, there is no way in hell I could do that,” while watching Olympic athletes. Who knows, maybe I could’ve been a world class biathlete, but I never got the opportunity to pick it up. There’s a small chance that’s true, but I have no idea because normal people don’t combine cross-country skiing and riflery. I know how to run, swim and ice skate, but I’m not that good at any of them; so I’m positive I can’t do what these dudes and dudettes can do.

Not to mention NBC has kind of biffed it hard this year with the broadcast. Lindsey Vonn is the face of the American Olympic squad; she was on the cover of Sports Illustrated. But her event was in the middle of the day and wasn’t broadcast live. She won her gold medal with no one watching. I know the weather has been an issue for skiing, but let’s get it together Dick Ebersol. And as much as everyone wants to get behind Shaun White as the American hero, not everyone is watching his every move like we did for Phelps. I’ve watched him once and don’t really like him; probably because he’s a ginger. I still find it weird that snowboarding is in the Olympics. So, I was ready to continue my apathy towards the winter games and get on with my life.

Well the other night, the winter Olympics gave me a huge punch in the balls. I was feeling unpatriotic about not really watching too many events so I decided to flip over to NBC and check out what was going on. That’s when I stumbled upon a sport I’ve never really appreciated until Wednesday; speed skating. How I’ve missed this for so many years is completely lost on me. I’ve always known it was around, and I’ve definitely watched it before but I can’t explain why it took me this long to fall in love with it. I guess I just always found Apolo Ohno to be borderline gay and annoying. I can’t take anyone with a soul patch serious, and that goes double if they’re named after a Greek God, especially when he spells it wrong. You’re name is Apolo dude, there’s no reason to make it even more unique and leave off an “L”. Only one guy has ever been able to pull off the name Apollo, and he was a fictional character created by Sylvester Stallone. I’m starting to hate him more and more as I type this, so if that guy’s the face of a sport I’m going to tune out.

But the coolest guy in the Olympics this winter has to be Shani Davis, the only black dude possibly in the entire sport. I mean, I grew up in an upper-middle class New York suburb and I wouldn’t have the slightest idea where to begin if I wanted to get into speed skating. I don’t know anyone that does it, don’t know where you can do it, really have no idea where the hell I would start. So the fact that a black dude from Chicago defended his gold medal Wednesday night in the men’s 1000 M is mind boggling to me. I’m sure there is some logical reason that I could easily look up, but I prefer to think it's some story of him shunning gang-life and escaping the streets through speed skating. Although I think he’s from the suburbs, but whatever; they don’t make movies about that. Whatever the reason, I found myself standing up, screaming at the TV and felt a little of the nationalistic pride I usually reserve for the summer games when he won. The long track events are fucking awesome; dudes just crushing some serious speed on a huge ice track, and the last lap is when all the drama happens. Its mono e mono, just straight up who can go faster.

So naturally, following my Shani Davis epiphany I tuned into the short track with that boofer Apolo Ohno. Right back to my “mmeeehhh” attitude about the whole thing. Not only did Ohno not win gold (he won silver), I spent the entire event hoping for dudes to wipe out and maybe cut each other with their skates. It was more like NASCAR than the Olympics. So, the fact that the ambiguous sexuality of Apolo Ohno didn’t ruin speed skating for me is a tribute to my man Shani Davis.

So while I am desperately anticipating the Tiger Woods statement coming in any second, I wanted to slip in my nod to Shani Davis as Dude of the Week before anything happens with Mr. Woods. Although, let’s be real, what exactly is going to happen when he speaks? He’ll have a prepared statement about how he let his family down, won’t take questions and that will be the end of it. Snoozer, but we’ll have more analysis on that a little later. In the meantime, let’s watch dudes fly around an ice track at retarded speeds. It sounds like the script for a Mad Max movie. So here’s to you Shani, DOTW. Keep up the good work, I’ll be glued to the TV in a homemade “Shani’s #1 Fan t-shirt” Saturday night for the 1500 meter final. Now if I only knew how to make shirts…

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Classic Candy

I know on NC we like to get a bit nostalgic and why the fuck not, it's always great to look back and laugh at the glory days of grass stained jeans and over sized T-shirts. This post isn't about childhood fashion though, it's about Warheads. Warheads are a classic candy, they are sour, sweet and pure awesome. I haven't had a Warhead since I was like 9 years old. Maybe it's a regional thing but I haven't seen a package of Warheads on sale anywhere in the tri-state area. When I went to Butler out in Indianapolis I never saw Warheads on sale either. I mean, I'm sure they were on sale somewhere but I was never really searching for them as I've never craved Warheads.

The other day though, while devouring some SPKs (Sour Patch Kids) a light bulb went off in my head that reminded me of another popular, sweet and sour candy. That candy of course being WHs. I quickly sent out an email to all my friends asking them when the last time they had a WH was. All but one responded that it had been years. Where are these things? Did some crazy parent activist group ban them from stores due to the warning regarding too many can cause tongue irritation? Remember there was a challenge of putting like 5 lemon flavored WHs in your mouth, and seeing if you could handle it? That was the equivalent of walking across hot coals for us as little kids. Really bad ass shit. WHs are still around, in fact you can order them by bulk online. I may have to make a purchase pretty soon and get my WH fix. Anyone else miss WHs?

All Aboard The Karma Train!

Choo Choo! Here comes the Karma train. It's been a few years since the infamous Duke Lacrosse rape case happened, but today it's back in the spotlight. Remember how those players were all accused of rape and no one really knew who the woman (and complete liar) was? Well, instead of those 3 innocent players being in headline news, it's the accuser whose facing the spotlight. That's right, Crystal Gale Magnum has been charged with arson and attempted murder. If you don't believe in Karma, you'd still have to think that this woman had it coming. You can't just go around accusing people of rape, which we clearly learned in the Duke lax case. Magnum is accused of lighting her boyfriend's clothes on fire and then threatening to stab him. Yeah, first off, who the hell in their right mind would want to date this woman? A woman who goes around crying rape isn't someone I would consider girlfriend material. Secondly, if I were to have told you a few years ago that the woman who accused the Duke players of rape would later in life be charged with arson and attempted murder would you be surprised? This is just another classic example of what goes around, comes around. Right OJ?

Are These Celebrities Hot?

All of these women are clearly famous and have had significant roles in pop culture. Lady Gaga is of course all over the place with her songs and ridiculous outfits. Kirsten Dunst is most famous for playing Mary Jane Watson, the love interest of Peter Parker aka Spider-Man and Maggie Gyllenhall is most famous for being Jake Gyllenhaal's sister, oh, and for playing Rachel Dawes in The Dark Knight. Usually when people lack talent in Hollywood they make up for it with being extremely good looking, but I guess with all three of these girls what they lack in good looks they make up for with their talent. I think Lady Gaga is talented because she comes up with hit after hit that I can fist pump to. Apparently Maggie Gyllenhaal is talented, but that doesn't mean she should've been the chick Batman wanted bone. And then there's Kirsten Dunst. I think she sucks, but what do I know, maybe she is talented.

Regardless of these girls talents, does anyone find them attractive? If they weren't celebrities no one would give them a second look. Obviously I would sleep with all three of these women, but mainly because they're celebrities, especially in Gyllenhaal's case (I think she's Buzz's girlfriend, woof). I could be in the minority here but I think Lady Gaga is weird looking (not to forget about her rumored hermaphrodite situation), I think Kirsten Dunst is cute, but she doesn't really do it for me and as for Maggie Gyllenhaal, well I honestly think she resembles a dog. Again, maybe you disagree with me and if you do, please let me know.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


This is one world record I would never want to hold. I don't know how this guy went about getting the ability to get kicked in the nuts and feel no pain; my guess it was from years of being sack whacked by his buddies. This video was also the most informative thing I have ever seen regarding getting hit in the nuts. I'm glad they covered this issue and broke it down to a science for everyone to understand.

The R-Word is Retarded

For the past couple of days there has been a bunch of controversy over a particular word. A word that I and I'm sure most of you use quite often. Whether you use it to describe a friend, a play-call you see on TV or a dog that chases his tail around, we all use this word. The word is retard. Somehow, Sarah Palin has become the leader in this brigade against those who use the word. She's leading this brigade because her infant son, Trig, has Down syndrome and she is offended by the word. It all started last week when Palin sounded off on the White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emmanuel, who apparently said retard in a closed door meeting (Rush Limbaugh also said it, but she didn't mind).

I understand some people may be sensitive to the word, but that doesn't mean we should banish it and act as if it's somehow comparable to the N word. Seriously, everyone in the press has been writing or saying the "R-Word" as opposed to just typing or saying "retard." I don't get what is so wrong about retard? People are acting like this word was used during an oppressive and ugly time for retards like the N word was for black people. Go look up the definition of retard, and go look up the definition of the N word, I'm sure you'll find some distinctive differences.

People who think retard is a bad word need to relax. Look, I'm not here to make fun of retards, I'm here to make fun of the people who think retard is a bad word. I don't get how this word is bad, and how mentally handicapped, or mentally disabled are somehow a better choice. I mean, is calling someone mentally retarded also a better option? If it is well then that's just retarded. That's like saying "no offense" before you offend someone. Putting the word "mentally" in front of it doesn't make it better or any different in my eyes. I hope Sarah Palin calms down but with a recent Family Guy clip going after her over this issue, I just see it gaining more steam. Seth MacFarlane might've really screwed himself over with this clip. He's going to feel the wrath of Palin supporters, and take some heat from Fox executives. What he did was retarded, much in the same way Sarah Palin was retarded when she wrote notes on the palm of her hand when delivering a speech. Wellp, that's it, I hope I didn't offend anyone.

Go Get 'Em Tiger

HOLY SHIT, Tiger Woods is making a statement this Friday at 11 AM!! Whatever you have planned that day, cancel it, take your phone off the hook and turn all your attention to this much anticipated statement. Well, at least that's what the media will seem to be telling you these next few days until that statement (which will be very well scripted) is actually read. You thought that all the Tiger drama was done? It's not even close to being over.

The announcement came today that Tiger will be making a statement about his future plans and I guess offer up some type of apology. Awesome, now I have to watch all the sports and news outlets bring in a bunch of "analysts" to discuss what Tiger might say. I love how Tiger has to apologize to the public because he somehow let them down, not because they miss him on the Tour, but because he cheated on his wife. Do you know who Tiger doesn't have to apologize to? Me. I don't give two shits who he sleeps with or what his weird fantasies are, all I care about is watching him play golf. The last time I watched golf was the last time Tiger played, so hopefully he comes back soon and tears shit up like he always does. Also, do you think he likes this song (below)? I guarantee he does. He probably bumps it in his car when he's alone. Also, I bet you Tiger totally does that muscle pose during sex, American Psycho style.

Dude, What's That On Your Forehead?

Little known fact; we here at the Circle are ardent Catholics who uphold the virtues of the religion above all else. Tom and I were well versed in the intricacies of Catholicism through years of CCD and of course The Da Vinci Code. (Quick side-note; I always thought CCD stood for central city dump but it actually stands for Confraternity of Christian Doctrine. Weird I know). But in reality, I’m not very religious at all. I know it’s important to some people and I can appreciate that, but really in today’s day and age religion is kind-of obsolete and almost strange. And I’m not talking about those pesky Islamic fundamentalists or the Tebows; I’m talking about every day people. Think of the weird loner chick from your high school; the one who always wore turtle necks and never plucked her eyebrows. Yeah, she was religious.

Anyway, as I’m sure most Catholics know, today is Ash Wednesday, when people show their faith by having a priest rub ash on their foreheads. Or as I call it, the day I wake up hung-over, see someone with shit on their face; give confused look/make fun of them, only to realize its Ash Wednesday and I’m a bad Catholic. But more importantly, Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent, the 40 day period prior to Easter when you’re supposed to give-up something to show your love of God. For some reason, even the most un-religious people always feel the need to participate in Lent, myself included. I rarely go to church, I'm not a nice person and I only pray to God when I want the Giants to win. Yet I still feel like I have to do the whole self-denial thing. A lot of people give up something easy like cookies or something they never have in the first place like curry. I usually try to make up for months of religious apathy by giving up something legitimate but doable like soda, candy or adultery.

But some people really go for the gold, and that’s where the trouble starts. You see, everyone has that friend that decides one year, for no apparent reason, to give up something that’s a big part of their life. This person is not very religious, but like me, wants to do some last second cramming to earn brownie points with the Big Man. Say for example, your buddy gives up booze or weed. You know what happens to this person? They end up derailing; getting hammered, ripping a bong and passing out one night. These attempts to get your life together usually end up crashing down in a tornado of alcohol and drugs. Not only have you done damage to your body, but you’ve failed to stand by your Lenten promise and now God hates you. It’s an unfortunate series of events. And even the people that think they’re succeeding are usually delusional and cutting corners. They always come up with little exceptions to the rule like “well, God won’t mind if I have one” or that you can break your Lenten promise on Sundays. What? No dude, that’s horse shit, that’s probably the one day you should stand by what you gave up. How does that make any sense? Or there’s the dude who is giving up cigarettes, but can smoke cloves or cigars because technically they’re not “cigarettes.” What’s the point bro?

But the mother load of all dumb Lenten promises is the guy who tries to give up beer. Dude, you’re 24 years old and it’s right in the middle of March Madness. How the hell do you think you’re going to avoid beer for 40 days? Beer is the only reason you have friends, get laid and get out of bed in the morning. Good luck with that. Personally I’ve found in the last few years that whatever I’ve tried to give-up usually becomes more present in my life as soon as lent begins. A few years ago I got real aggressive and tried to give-up red meat. That first Sunday I went to a friend’s house for dinner and we had steaks. So basically, I made it 4 days before I totally blew it. And Lent always gives someone the opportunity to use the, “I’m giving up religion for Lent” joke. Yeah dude, I’ve heard that one every year since I was 3, and it wasn’t funny the first time.

I’m not trying to preach religion, nor am I trying to down-play its importance. If you really are religious, good for you. But for all the in-betweeners like me out there, let’s do ourselves a favor and avoid the attempts to give up something significant for Lent. Because in my experience, they only lead to failure. And what does failure lead to? Drugs and alcohol. So why not skip the middleman and save yourself the aggravation? Plus, preachy, pushy religious people are some of the worst alive. They’re probably number 4 or 5 on that list; right in between the people from Children’s International who try to stop you on the street and lepers. So what am I giving up for lent this year? Shaving.

Song of the Day

This song actually got remade because Omarion left Lil' Wayne's label (Young Money) before the song was officially released. I think the original version is better though, simply because Lil' Wayne is in it. Click here to listen to the remade version.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Stupid Things People Own...

Horses. People, mainly rich people, spend their money on a lot of obnoxious things, and horses is one of them. I've been around horses a few times in my life, granted it was when I was absolutely shitfaced at the Kentucky Derby and the Hunt, and nowhere relatively near the animals but still, it's closer than most can say. People love horses because they have some "majestic" way about them. The only time I cared for a horse was when I was a sophomore in college and I bet on Barbaro at the Derby, aside from that, horses to me are just really big dogs, or cows on steroids. Do you know how much work goes into taking care of a horse? A shit ton. Do you know who does all the work and takes care of the horses? Mexicans. It's true, if it wasn't for Mexicans all the horses in America would probably be dead, or running around, wild and free, like a pack of large, harmless wolves.

Now, rich people aren't the only type of people who own horses. There are poor people who own horses as well. They're not your everyday, "I still think WWE is real" poor people, but your "I'm Amish" poor people. Yeah, you forgot that Amish people exist didn't you? Well they do, and they're really poor. They can't even afford electricity (haha, stupid Amish). I don't get the appeal of owning a horse or even riding a horse for that matter, much in the same way I don't get people who drive motorcycles. Like that South Park episode said, people who ride Harley's are fags, well I think people who ride horses are fags (except Christopher Reeves, because he was Superman).

The Olympics Needs Sports

So, as everyone knows the Winter Olympics started the other day and unless you're a complete boner, I'm sure you've tuned in to watch at least one event. If you're like me you've watched a good amount of the Olympics, aside from last night (crazy Bachelor episode, he sent home Gia who is an absolute smokeshow). Now, if you have been watching some of the Olympics you'd realize just how dumb and utterly retarded some of the events are. Figure skating? Is that even a sport? The premier "athlete" for America in figure skating is some flamboyant gay dude, and no I'm not talking about Apolo Ohno, I'm talking about Johnny Weir. I guess that's no surprise as figure skating is the gayest sport. Seriously, it's true, figure skating is gay. It's been with it's partner, gymnastics, for a while now and they actually adopted a child, women's softball.

Anyway, I just don't understand how figure skating qualifies as a sport but whatever, it's one of the highest rated events the Olympics has so it's not leaving anytime soon. Aside from figure skating I also don't understand how the luge or skeleton (face first luge) or bobsledding is considered a sport. To me all of these events belong in the X Games with other insanely nutty (and retarded) events like snowmobile big air. Who invented the luge and all the alike sports? My guess is some really, really drunk guy who didn't have much to live for.

Song of the Day

Wanna Get Away? Sorry You're Too Fat

We’ve all enjoyed some Kevin Smith movies over the years. Clerks was a classic; Mallrats is definitely one of the funniest movies of the past 20 years, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, although crude and childish, was hilarious. But I think Kevin Smith gets a little too much credit and hype about his movies. Chasing Amy? That was fucking terrible. Dogma? Ehhh, I watched it, but I didn’t really have anything else to do. Clerks 2, Zach and Miri Make and Porno sucked, and I think three people saw that Ben Affleck movie about being from Jersey. Bottom line is that Kevin Smith had his run with a few good flicks, but in reality he’s a hit-or-miss writer/director who benefited from the comic emergence of Jason Lee and a generation of stoners idolizing the dude who plays Jay. Playing the “hey, I’m just a regular, self-deprecating guy from Jersey” card has run its course. People want vampire love sagas, Harry Potter and hipster movies where people where skinny ties, not vintage hockey jerseys. But Kevin Smith is apparently not ready to sink further into the realm of obscurity. He needs to stay relevant in today’s twitter based, TMZ pop-culture anyway he can, even if it means sheer embarrassment.

Smith was apparently pulled off a Southwest Airlines flight over the weekend in California not for security reasons, or his behavior, but because he was deemed too fat to be on the flight. That’s no misprint; he was just too damn fat. Obviously Smith has begun a smear campaign against Southwest Airlines vowing to “scorch the earth with complaints,” and posting an onslaught of angry messages on his Twitter account, which has 1.6 million followers. How the hell does Kevin Smith have 1.6 million followers? How do that many people care what Kevin Smith is doing? Put it this way, Justin Timberlake has 1.7 million followers. Isn’t my man JT significantly more popular right now than Kevin Smith? I guess not. But back to the fat issue. This is embarrassing, and obviously he’s going to do what he needs to turn himself into the victim. “Dude, I know I’m fat, that’s not why I was thrown off that plane because I fit perfectly in the seat,” said Smith, who is claiming that he was thrown off the flight because an airline employee didn’t like his films. Really Kevin Smith, you think someone would go to those lengths just because he didn’t like Chasing Amy? Seems a bit excessive to me. I don’t think the flight attendant was malignant enough to kick you off the flight because he/she doesn’t like the Silent Bob character. Those people watch crappy movies all day at work; they’re pretty immune to it by now. So I doubt they’ve been holding a grudge, just waiting for Kevin Smith to get on their plane one day so they could kick him off. If that’s the case, that person has bigger issues and is most likely a serial killer or a virgin, or both. Southwest issued an apology Monday, saying they were “sorry for how his night unfortunately played out,” and that they, “could have potentially handled the communication better. Bullshit Southwest, there’s no need for you to apologize because Smith’s need for junk-food is insatiable. Southwest has a “customer size” policy in which

"Passengers that cannot fit safely and comfortably in one seat to purchase an additional seat while traveling. If a customer cannot comfortably lower the armrest and infringes on a portion of another seat, a customer seated adjacent would be very uncomfortable and a timely exit from the aircraft in the event of an emergency might be compromised if we allow a cramped, restricted seating arrangement.”

Seems pretty straight forward; they’ve got a policy, and they need to enforce it. It’s all about safety. I mean, I sat next to John Runyan on a flight once and he was fucking huge so I know how obnoxious it is when a large person is sitting next to you. I guess he could get his arm rests down though, which apparently Kevin Smith could not. When an NFL left tackle can squeeze into a coach seat, and you can’t, you need to reevaluate your lifestyle.

Here’s the kicker though. Smith did purchase two seats for the flight, probably in anticipation that he couldn’t fit comfortably in one seat. But he boarded an earlier flight as a stand-by, and only got one seat. So isn’t this completely Smiths fault for a) being obese and b) getting on an earlier flight? His defense was “I’m flying on the welfare airline, food-stamp airline so I think I can indulge myself with two seats, and I can afford to do it.” I’m sure you did this to “stick it to the man” and you fly Southwest all the time because you’re “so down to earth,” even though you called the affordable airline the “food-stamp airline.” That’s very blue-collar, Jersey boy of you. Truth is Kevin, you’re a spoiled fat-ass, and you have to book two seats for the hour flight from Oakland to Burbank because of this. I’m sure he books two seats hoping he’ll get an extra in-flight meal too. “I’m never going on Southwest again,” the director said. Smith, you’re a fat Hollywood star, do what all the other ones do and charter a private jet. That way you can have all the room/ sausage and peppers you need. You shouldn’t have been on Southwest to begin with; it’s cheap because it’s for people who don’t make millions of dollars. So let’s stop blaming Southwest Airlines because you’re overweight and you haven’t made a good movie since the Clinton Administration and take a look in the mirror, bro. Your baby fat and dirty beard aren’t “ironic;” they’re unattractive.

Although, I do want to see Cop Out.

Never discuss philosophy or politics in a disco environment. – Frank Zappa

Monday, February 15, 2010

What State Is Better: Connecticut or Colorado?

Connecticut: Known as The Nutmeg or Constitution State. State Animal..Sperm Whale..Really Connecticut? Ouch. Notable Colleges..Yale, Conn. College, UConn, Trinity. Professional Sports Teams...Bridgeport Bluefish, Connecticut Sun. CT was also home to the Hartford Whalers (now Carolina Hurricanes) who had the sickest uniforms in the NHL. Notable Cities..Hartford, New Haven, Stamford. Famous For..Being rich. This is all thanks to Fairfield County, one of the most bro counties in America. Fairfield County is part of the "Gold Coast" which stretches along the CT coastline on the Long Island Sound. CT is also home to a bunch of boarding schools where many NC fans attend. Negatives..There's really not much to do in CT. You know that Wayne's World scene where they end up in Delaware? They could've just said "I'm in...Connecticut" and it would've had the same effect.

Colorado: Known as The Centennial State. State Animal..Rocky Mountain Bighorn. Notable Colleges..Denver, UC-Boulder, Colorado College, Air Force. Professional Sports Teams..Denver Broncos, Denver Nuggets, Colorado Avalanche, Colorado Rockies. Notable Cities..Denver, Vail, Aspen. Famous For..It's mountainous landscape, scenery, ski resorts and the place all the not-sure-what-to-do-in-life bros love to go when they're "finding themselves" after college. CO is definitely a bro state. It's the home of Coors, who are responsible for inventing some of the dumbest/awesomest gimmicks to be put on a beer can. Also, not only did Harry and Lloyd find themselves in CO helping Mary "Samsonite" Swanson, but my favorite show South Park is based there. When people aren't shredding the fresh pow pow, they're probably hanging out, breathing in the fresh air, smoking some weed and of course, partying. Negatives..Although considered a swing state, there are a ton of liberals in CO. Look, I'm not trying to make this political, I'm just saying the liberals in CO are the hippie, "I love long boarding and going to pro-Obama rallies to yell about issues I don't understand" liberals.