March Madness Goes Wireless

So the madness this March has been pretty off the charts. A ton of upsets across the board, brackets being blown up (even the kid with Autism missed the Butler-Cuse game) and only one #1 seed in the Final Four. Shit, two #5 seeds are there with them. And although I do get a little tired of the “all Tom Izzo does is win in the tourney” storyline, the stats in this article are pretty impressive. During his 13 tenure in East Lansing, not one upperclassmen has NOT played in a Final Four. 6 Final Fours in 13 years is sick.

But I’m not here to talk about the actual games; they have professionals on TV to do that. And why would you bother to listen to a guy who’s Final Four was Kansas, Syracuse, Kentucky and Villanova anyway? I’m here to talk about the madness of the NCAA tourney. Every year people go nuts, fans come out of the woodwork, and you find out a few people you know went to some random mid-major Cinderella school. I mean, what else did George Mason or Davidson grads have to brag about until the last few years?

So people wear fan-gear, hang flags, paint their cars, dress up their pets etc. But as with most things in life, advances in technology have added a whole new dimension to March Madness. You can get scores, stats, updates, really anything on your phone. But you can also do something else.

Blackberrys, and BBM, are the preferred means of communication for half of the US now and rightfully so. It’s easy as shit. It also gives you the ability to change how your name appears on other peoples’ messenger contacts. Like if I wanted to change mine from Spaniard to nicknames like Max Morrow, or The Man, it can easily be done. Personally I see no reason not to just have your real-name on there but hey, to each their own. And as if Facebook status updates weren’t annoying enough, you can now put your status on your BBM. But it’s this advancement in communication, combined with the excitement of college hoops that has resulted in an epidemic I fear only I am catching on to. People using their BBM profiles to show team support. I know, it’s perfectly harmless, but it’s just another thing that I, being bitter, jealous and over-all not a good person, find annoying. I’ll scroll through my contacts, trying to BBM my friend Carl or whomever, only to realize his BBM name has been changed to CUSE NATION, or Evan Tuner is GOD (Eric Turner isn’t god; Clapton is God). Look I understand dude, you’re fired up about your squad. It’s just difficult to send you a BBM when I spend 10 minutes looking for your name, only to realize you’ve changed it to I love Greivis Vasquez. I mean, maybe Chris is short for DUKIES ROLLIN’ TO INDY, but for some reason I doubt that.

And it doesn’t just stop with the actual NCAA Tournament. I know people who support their team even if they’re in the NIT or on Spring Break right now. I just think that making your BBM status URI got robbed!!! is a bit excessive considering they finished 5th in the Atlantic-10 and only the players parents watch the NIT. Maybe I just don’t know the pride of your team winning tourney games because I didn’t go to a school with a big-time basketball team. Maybe I’m old-school. But either way, my BBM status wasn’t tough loss for the Quake when my Penn men’s lacrosse team lost to Cornell this past weekend, and it probably won’t change when they beat Yale on Saturday.

Regardless of this development, I’m still going to rock out this weekend for the Final Four. And if you happened to be guilty of this these past few weeks, don’t feel like I’m personally attacking you. Tom’s BBM status is Butler in the FINAL FOUR!!! right now.

You Don't Throw It...You Launch It

Today I will be traveling to the home of the Kentucky Derby, Papa Johns and a White Castle where I once ate 10 cheeseburgers. That's right, I will be going to Louisville for a few days before heading up to Indianapolis for the Final Four. Before my flight I figured I pump out a post on one of the best toys we ever had as little kids. This brand is single handedly responsible for probably half of my toys as a young kid and most likely responsible for the majority of grass stains on my jeans. The brand I'm talking about is obviously Parker Brothers' greatest invention ever, Nerf.

I'm pretty sure everyone I've ever met owned some type of Nerf toy, whether it was a gun, a football or some type of ball, everyone owned something Nerf. I'm serious, even weird Goth kids, Asians and fat chicks owned something with the brand name Nerf written on it. The best of all the Nerf products was the footballs they made. The first football they made was the best, it was called the Turbo. Half black, half orange with cool aerodynamic designs, that thing made you feel like Tom Brady, or at the time, John Elway. How could they make anything better than that you thought? Well Nerf went ahead and nearly made your head explode when they made the Vortex. This football was quite possibly the coolest thing you had ever seen in your life. It was a mini football, with an aerodynamic tail attached to it and then of course, the whistle. I don't know what person in the R&D department thought of this great idea but they better have received a promotion after coming up with this genius and yet simple creation. A whistle and football go together like bacon and grilled cheese.

The best part about the Vortex is when it would start descending from what you thought was orbit, the whistle would increase with sound, heightening all your senses. Sometimes the hard plastic from the whistle would hurt your fingers, but no pain, no gain you know what I'm sayin'. It's been awhile since I heard one of those Nerf footballs whistling around but then again I don't hang around schoolyards like this guy. Nerf is still making footballs and cool toys; in fact, Peyton Manning has his own line of Nerf footballs. I'm going to bring back the Nerf football and make it relevant again amongst 20 somethings. All of you readers should join me, so please go to your local store, scoop up a Nerf football and start firing that thing around your campus, local park or any tailgate you attend. Alright, that's it, I'll see you in Louisville.

Moravian College Lacrosse

We received an email from a fan yesterday who happens to be a coach at Moravian College, a DIII school in Bethlehem, PA. Apparently the Board of Directors at Moravian have decided to ax the lacrosse program there. Even though Moravian may not be a premiere college lacrosse school it's still a lax program that allows kids to play a sport they love. Plus, I've had first hand experience with a cancellation of a lacrosse program when I was at Butler and it's really no fun for anyone. I guess the Board at Moravian is going to revisit this issue in the next coming weeks and the lax team there is trying to change the Board Members minds by showing that they have the support of a lot of people and that lacrosse is a sport on the rise, not the decline. Visit this Facebook page and show your support. What else do you have to do? You're already reading NC so I assume you've watched all the new videos on RedTube today.

Wanna Play Rape?

So while this story isn't coming out of China it does deal with Asians, which to me, is one in the same (I know that's racist, whatever). And as I've written about before here on NC, I think people in China and now Japan, are absolutely crazy. When I saw the headline on CNN.com Rape Game Draws Controversy I thought, "well, that makes sense." Then I read the story and of course, it's a video game that comes out of Japan. I've got two big questions regarding this video game, the first being who created/developed it? And the second being, where can I play it? Don't judge me people, I know you want to play it too.

For those of you who are saying "I can't play that game, it's disturbing!" Right, it is disturbing but did you call Grand Theft Auto disturbing when you would bang hookers and then beat them to death with a baseball bat? I doubt it, however, even though I do want to play this game, I feel like it's a bit much. You see, in this video game the sole purpose I guess is to rape a chick and that's it. There's really not much to it. At least in those "shooter" video games you're trying to become like a drug lord who runs a city, so there's some sort of storyline for it. I can't see this RapeLay game even having a storyline and if there is, what's the end goal? Get STDs? Rot in prison? No thanks. Most people view rape as the worst crime that exists, so I don't see any rape games making it's way to the U.S. anytime soon, instead we'll be stuck with our lame-o murder/gang banger games. I know this game is pretty crazy, but if the Japan/China put their minds together, I'm sure they can come create some other sick game, like a Two Girls One Cup RPG.

Song of the Day

Coming Out: Good Career Move?

Tom wrote about this yesterday but I figured I'd write my own post and give my two cents on this topic. So, in the, I saw that coming news of the week, pop “star” Ricky Martin, who has only managed to stay relevant due to gay rumors, decided to avoid the “Hey, I fuck dudes” People magazine cover route, and came out last night to his on his official website.

“I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man,” he wrote. “I am very blessed to be who I am.”

Good for you Ricky, I’m glad you’re happy with who you are. I’m also glad that all those years of girls fawning over him and us guys saying, “I mean, he’s got to be gay right?” the light at the end of the tunnel has arrived. I really can’t say “I told you so” though because really, everyone told you so. I mean, look at that outfit. But the real issue isn’t that Ricky Martin came out of the closet; it’s what this means for his career.

I will agree that you are a very fortunate homosexual. Mr. Martin said it took him years to be honest because of his fear and warnings from friends that everything he built would collapse. This is very understandable if you’re a lawyer in Manhattan or the Governor of New Jersey, but were talking about Hollywood. The entertainment industry is probably the best place for a gay man to be accepted, even revered. Followed closely by the fashion industry, gay porn, and male figure skating. Elton John was a Grammy-winning pop legend who sold millions of records worldwide. After he came out? A Grammy-winning pop icon who’s also a Knight. Yeah, Sir Elton John. That weirdo Adam Lambert from American Idol was just some awkward Goth dude who didn’t even win the thing. But then he kissed a guy on stage, his album debuted at number three and he’s on the cover of GQ magazine. Ellen DeGeneres used to be a dykey, kind-of funny comedienne. Now she’s the white Oprah, and married to a chick I’d give a kidney to fuck. What Ellen says, goes. She could probably tell Michelle Obama to “shut the fuck up” and she’d be praised for it.

There are enough powerful gay people in entertainment that this will probably revitalize Ricky’s career. I bet he does a song with Lady Gaga in the next few months. And while the support from gay people and civil rights advocates will be more than enough for Ricky to re-launch his career, we cannot discount the support from a third group. Straight, white, 18-35 women. That’s correct. Every girl in that demographic has some deep-seeded need to have a gay best friend. Seriously, ask any of them; they all watch Will and Grace. Having a gay best friend makes them feel like they’re in a Sex and the City episode or something. They want a guy they can “harmlessly sleep with” and run their boyfriend issues by. So now that the unattainable guy they wanted to marry in 8th grade is gay, it almost makes him more human, more lovable. The dude is going to have more fans than he did in his “Vida Loca” heyday. I’m sure his website’s hits just multiplied 1000-fold since last night. Who the hell was still going to Ricky Martin’s official website is beyond me.

So is coming out of the closet a good career move? I think it may end up being a great one for Ricky. He’ll probably get his own talk show or asked to be the spokesperson for “Gay Latinos.” So congratulations on your coming out and the inevitable shot of juice it will give what was a rapidly fading career. But I’ve got to say, it’s a little weird that you have two young kids through, what else, a surrogate mother. (Their names are Matteo and Valentino, which is gay for Matthew and Vincent) If you could get me your address so I can send them each a “We Love our Daddies” t-shirt, that would be much appreciated. Otherwise, good luck with the pole smoking.

Gossip News

Today in the world of celebrity news, there is a big story regarding Ricky Martin. If you don't know what story I'm talking about I know what you're thinking, and to answer that, no, he's not dead. So now that I told you that he isn't dead you must be thinking, but why else would Ricky Martin be talked about in the news? Well to be honest I don't even think the topic of these news stories regarding him are very necessary. You see, he's in the news because he has finally announced that he is in fact gay. Big shocker there Ricky. Yeah, this isn't surprising anyone. Ricky Martin announcing he's gay is like Pacman Jones telling everyone that he's black. Anyway, this will be the last time we probably hear from Ricky for quite some time. The next time we hear about Ricky Martin will probably be when he dies. Now, I'm not wishing anything awful on his life or anything, I'm just saying, I don't think he's coming out with too many jams in the near future. Can any of you name a song he made besides Livin' La Vida Loca? I guess if you can answer that you may have some soul searching to do.

Anyway, aside from Ricky Martin making some news, it wouldn't be a good gossip news day if Tiger Woods wasn't making headlines. Although this isn't really Tiger making headlines, the only reason it's a story is because it involves Tiger. The NY Post has said that one of Tiger's mistresses is planning on attending the Masters. The mistress that wants to attend the Masters is porn star, Joslyn James. Awesome. A porn star at Augusta is something I'd expect to see in Happy Gilmore, not in real life. The best part about this NY Post story is that she will be Georgia not only to attend the Masters, but to also strip at the Pink Pony strip club. What a class act.

Video

Remember when you were little and you put on plays like Little Bo Beep for your preschool? You would get some crappy role as like a tree, or a rock and basically have zero lines. Well this play blows every school play you ever did out of the water. These parents are pretty cool to allow this to happen. I know if they tried to do this when I was a kid some parent would've probably sued the school. I love how they replaced "fuck" with the word "fudge," yeah, really clever rewrite there. Anyway, watch it and be jealous your school never did this.

The Name Game

So the Final Four is set and Butler has made it back home to Indianapolis where they will take on Michigan State. Although I never graduated from Butler, I did go there for three years and had some of the best times of my life while living it up in Naptown. I will be going back to Indy for the Final Four this weekend and it should be a wild time as the finest students Butler has ever had grace their campus (Butt lax team) will also be getting wild and weird. To anyone who will be in Hoosierville, USA this weekend and would like to hang out, just head to Broad Ripple and look for the slobs decked out in Butler Lacrosse gear.

Ok, aside from the Final Four, I hope everyone had a solid weekend. I went and saw Hot Tub Time Machine and thought it was decent, but it's nothing worth seeing again. During the Butler-K. State game I was getting absolutely hammered and yelling at everyone in the bar who was cheering for K. State. Anyway, after the game while I was still raging at the bar I started to talk to some girls who went to Penn State. Even though I was drunk, the girls were absolute smoke shows drunk or not. While talking with these girls I didn't have the ability to play the name game though because I don't know anyone that went to Penn State. You all know what I'm talking about, the name game is one of the greatest ice breakers that exists. Usually the name game only works when you're talking with someone who attended a small school. For example, if I tell someone I went to St. Lawrence and they start playing the name game with me, chances are I will know that person since SLU is about the size of a high school.

However, when you meet someone who attended a school like Penn State where there's about a billion students, playing the name game is rather pointless. Now, although the name game is an ice breaker it sometimes can turn a normal conversation into an awkward one. Here's an example of what I'm talking about, let's say your talking to a girl and she name drops a complete and total assbag who you actually hate and also apparently has herpes. You play it cool and tell her you know him, but she then tells you that she used to date him. In situations like these it's like the girl just said "Hey, I'm pregnant and don't shave my box, let's hook up." So while the name game does have it's benefits and can actually help move along a conversation, it can also end a conversation dead in it's tracks. I will always play the name game though as it's one of the best ice breakers I have.

Song of the Day

PETA Creeps Me Out

So there are a ton of interest groups to be a part of. There's groups pretty much about anything: Religious people, farmers, tobacco companies, people against tobacco companies, and Asian nerds are some examples of interest groups. The most popular of any interest group is one that loves to be in the spotlight with gross videos and creepy ads, I'm talking about PETA. Usually they'll have videos of baby cows getting tortured in order to become delicious, melt-in-your-mouth veal or have footage of what farmers really feed chicken which is apparently supposed to disgust me. Look, I feel bad for when I see a little deer get killed by a lion on the Discovery Channel so when I see a baby cow getting killed by being shot with a nail gun in the head, sure I feel for the little guy. But those feelings of sadness only last for about 15 seconds because I realize two things: I'm a fucking human, and I need to eat. Sure I can be a vegetarian but I have chest hair, balls, and calves larger than most peoples heads which actually, by rule, excludes me from being a vegetarian.

I'm glad PETA fights some causes they fight though, for example, when they say "don't kill endangered species," yeah, I agree, don't kill bald eagles, wait until there's enough of those bad boys, than have at it. Anyway, one cause they're big on and have recently been in the news about, is this whole "Spay and Neuter your pets" ad involving the "Octomom." I really don't think they need ads telling us to spay or neuter our pets anymore, I'm pretty sure thanks to good ol' Bob Parker everyone knows to do it. I don't get how spaying or neutering our pets is something PETA stands for though. I mean, let's be real, would any of you be pumped if I chopped your balls off when you like 8 months old? No, you wouldn't be at all. In fact, you'd probably say that was pretty unethical. Obviously I'm all for spaying or neutering your pets, I don't need a dog with PMS running around my house and I sure as shit don't want a dog busting a load on my leg.

If PETA was really about treating animals ethically then they'd let the animals decide on their own if they want their balls cut off, or vagina removed or whatever they do with female animals. So while PETA will continually berate and piss people off until I guess people only eat salad and vegan bacon, this whole "spay and neuter your pets" crusade will probably grow wearisome for some people like myself and make me not want to chop my dogs balls off strictly out of spite. Plus, my dog is the shit and who could cut the balls off of this little guy (picture to the left)?

The Week In Sports: Idiots Edition

Couple of great games last night in the first set of the Sweet 16. The Kansas State-Xavier game was a classic. The Kentucky-Cornell game was entertaining, not only for the 10 minutes of competitive basketball Cornell played but also for the awesome quotes before the game by Kentucky freshman DeMarcus Cousins.

“We’re not out there reading books and seeing who can read the fastest. We’re playing basketball,” Cousins said. “We’re here to play basketball. It’s not a spelling bee.”

Do I even really need to comment on that? What a fabulous quote, I’m really shocked it didn’t get more coverage in the media than it did (and it got a decent amount). Sports media is always looking for a variation of the “David vs. Goliath” angle, and the “Jocks vs. Nerds” thing would’ve been absolutely perfect. If I were CBS, I would’ve given the cast of Revenge of the Nerds court-side seats on either side. Robert Carradine, Anthony Edwards and Curtis Armstrong sitting next to the Cornell bench, Ted McGinley and Donald “Ogre” Gibb sitting with Ashley Judd. And Kentucky should’ve hired John Goodman, aka Coach Harris as a one-game assistant. It was a fucking lay-up and CBS biffed it. Anytime you can combine a classic 1980’s comedy and a current sporting event, you do it without hesitation. Enough with the Hoosiers comparisons, it’s time to try and connect March Madness to another awesome movie. But I guess when John Calipari is involved, the more appropriate flick would be Blue Chips.

But I’ve got to give a shout-out to Butler University, aka da Butt, home of Tom’s freshman year, first sophomore and first junior year. The Bulldogs knocked off Syracuse last-night in a game that was all over the place. As torn as I am because of the awesome time I had at Cuse-Nova, I can’t help but be happy for da Butt. As much as I irrationally hate most white guys in college basketball for whatever reason, it’s kind of awesome to see a team with a couple of goofy white kids advancing to the Elite Eight. I really like Gordon Hayward from the Bulldogs not only because he’s really good, but because he looks like your friends little brother who always got picked on. Yeah, Willie Veasley was the difference in the game, but it’s not fun to focus on another 6’3” black 2-3 hybrid when there’s a 6’9” version of the Mad Magazine dude named Gordon. So word up to da Butt. They did Tom proud. If only he could return the favor…

But what kind of Week in Sports review would be complete without mention of one of my least-favorite athletes on Earth, Tim Tebow. Tom wrote a piece the other day with some Tebow Wonderlic Test predictions, and was actually quite close. But the best part of this whole Tebow-watch debacle is this story from Pro Football Talk’s Mike Florio:

As we've mentioned once or twice, quarterback Tim Tebow's habit of openly expressing his religious beliefs could potentially rub folks the wrong way, especially in a locker room of grown men who choose to keep their beliefs to themselves, who don't share his beliefs at all, and/or who only want to hear "God bless" after they have sneezed.


We're told that Tebow already has gotten a taste of the resistance he might face at the next level. 

At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups. The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.



Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow's group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.

 Said one of the other players in response: "Shut the f--k up." Other players in the room then laughed. 



We're not passing judgment on this one; we're just passing along what we've heard. And it illustrates the type of challenges that could be faced by the team that drafts Tebow.

 That said, some teams might embrace those challenges. The final decision will depend largely on the composition of the team, and the personalities of the coach, the G.M., and the owner.

We’re all a little tired of Tebow being a pushy, religious moron, even the guys that like him. What are the chances the guy who said “shut the fuck up” is white? I’m thinking zero percent. He was probably the biggest, blackest guy in the room. My money’s on Ndamukong Suh. And I don’t see anything in the story about Tebow standing up for himself or talking back. If you’re the “competitive, hard-nosed, warrior” that Tebow is supposed to be, isn’t this the kind of shit you don’t take from people? When someone tells you to “shut the fuck up,” don’t you put that guy in his place? Tebow didn’t. Probably because he’s a virgin.

But Tim, you scored 22 out of 50. Probably should’ve spent a little more time preparing, and a little less time on your knees. Oh, and a little less time praying (ZING!). 22 out of 50? How much these really reflect football intelligence is debatable, but they certainly reflect intelligence. Vince Young apparently scored a 6 his first time, and a 15 the second. A score of 10 equates to literacy. Take a look at an example test.

But I’m really just using this as another medium to irrationally bash Tebow. The average score for a QB is 24, Jimmy Clausen got a 23, Sam Bradford a 36, and Colt McCoy a 25. So really, all these guys (except Bradford) are just morons. Oh, and Eli Manning crushed a 39. Boom.

And Urban Meyer? Grow up dude. You’re a fucking loser. If I was the Orlando Sentinel, I’d put a big ad on the front page of sports that said this:

We told you 5 years ago. Don’t mess with our reporters. Don’t do it. You lose to Alabama in the SEC Championship or have a fake leave of absence one more time and the University of Florida football team is not welcome at the Orlando Sentinel ever again. Is that clear? It’s a yes or no. If it was our editor, your daughters and I would be going at it right now. Going at it hard.

Enjoy the weekend.

Song of the Day

In honor of Butler's win over 'Cuse I figured I'd make the SOTD something that reminded of my time at Butler. I spent the beginning of my '07 Summer at Butler, taking this joke of a class and getting weird with all my buddies on the lax team. During that Summer this song was bumping on the local Indianapolis radio stations. I'm sure Nappyville has some new jams, but in my opinion, none will ever be better than this one.

Who Is Tyler Perry?

I apologize for not really posting yesterday but my computer actually broke yesterday. It was a sad moment in my life since I had owned that particular computer since my freshman year of college. Oh well, I got a brand new computer out of it, so it's okay. For those of you who will be raging tonight for the games, be sure to tune in to the Syracuse-Butler game as Butler is sort of my alma mater and there may be an upset. If Butler does win (which I don't think they will) my bracket will be all screwed up though, so I'm cool with Butler losing. Anyway, for this post I'd like to discuss what I think is a recent pop culture phenomenon. And by pop culture phenomenon I mean, in the world of stuff black people like, Tyler Perry has become a huge star.

Maybe I was just too young to ever notice him or his name, but it seems like nowadays this dude is presenting something, directing something or is hosting something on TV. Who the hell is he and where the hell did he come from? He's like an older, black Justin Bieber or the male version of Oprah it seems, minus the billions. I've never seen any of his shows, or movies, but that still doesn't mean I can't criticize him. Look, Tyler Perry is clearly very successful so he's a pretty smart and talented guy; but I think he's smart and talented in the way Larry the Cable Guy is. All of Tyler Perry's shows seem to just be characters based on stereotypes that black people can relate to, much in the way all those Blue Collar comedians do the stereotypical poor, white people jokes. Those jokes get very redundant, and when you get right down to it, don't take too much thought. "I own 2 cars! Well, 5 if you count the 3 in my front yard." Ha..ha. That's usually a zinger amongst those redneck crowds and I'm sure with Tyler Perry's comedies there's probably a grandma figure in all of his TV shows who is very religious, loves church and beats her grandkids when they misbehave.

Obviously I'm just assuming and of course, when you assume, you only make an ass of everyone else, or whatever that saying is. I could just look up Tyler Perry's shows and see what they're all about, but then this post wouldn't really about anything. I guess I'll have to tune into one of his shows since has about a million on TV right now to see what all the fuss is about. I've got a feeling though, most of the humor on those shows will not really pertain to me, mainly because I'm white. I feel like I'd watch that show and probably have the same reaction to it if a black dude were to watch Full House back in the day. Then again, I could be wrong because Fresh Prince was awesome.

Song of the Day

This song is really old (2 years) but I never heard it until yesterday. I've never even heard of Pittsburgh Slim, but he's very similar to Dirt Nasty. I asked a bunch of my friends and none of them knew who Pittsburgh Slim was so making this SOTD makes me feel a little better.

Makin' It Rain(man)

As I’m sure is the case with many of you, my NCAA bracket is completely fucked. Never in all my years of filling these things out have I been so wrong at the Sweet 16 mark. I have 8 of the 16 teams right, which sucks in itself, but I had Kansas winning the whole thing, and Villanova in the Final Four. So yeah, I totally biffed it. For some reason I always love Villanova come tourney time. I’m a big Jay Wright fan because he earned his stripes at Hofstra, and they always have experienced players. Of course the reason there so experienced is because they’re not good enough to leave school early for the NBA, so somewhat short-sighted on my behalf. But anyway, no one I’ve spoken to is happy with their bracket this year. At this point in all my pools, the guy who picked Cornell to make the Elite Eight because he went there is probably going to win.

But every year there is that one person that gives every pool a kick in the balls out of no where. The one borderline-gay dude who doesn’t watch college hoops or your girlfriend who picks based on uniform colors always seem to finish in the top 2, throwing conventional wisdom out the window and making you realize you truly are an amateur. But “that guy” in your pool is nothing compared to this article I read today.

Alex Hermann has a perfect bracket up to this point. The odds of that are apparently one in 13,460,000. And no, Alex Hermann is not some sports nut, sports writer or quantitative geek. Alex is an autistic 17 year old from outside of Chicago. When asked how he picked the results, Alex said he “watched each team this year and saw the size of the player and looked at the stats.” That simple apparently. I spent 2 hours breaking-down the Cal-Louisville 8-9 first round game and I still suck. Apparently all I should be doing is looking at “the size of the player.” He also had help from his 24-year old brother Andrew in making the picks. Andrew, a graduate of Purdue University, was probably the impetus in Alex picking the Boilermakers to win it all, which could end up fucking his perfect bracket up. I can see the conversation now.

“Hey Andrew, will you help me fill out my bracket.”

“Ahhh, I’m a little busy right now Alex. Just have Purdue winning it all and make all the other picks based on ‘how tall the guy is’.”

“I’m good at math,” said Alex. “I’m kind of good at math and at stats I see on TV during the game.” I guess the scenes from Rain Man when Dustin Hoffman has baseball stats memorized or is counting cards in Vegas aren’t complete movie magic after all. I’m going to track down an autistic person and head to Atlantic City this weekend. If I can’t find one, I’ll just take Tom; he’s retarded. Wait, I apologize; he’s “r-worded.”

Unfortunately for Alex, he only entered his bracket on CBSsports.com, which is a free site morons like myself set up their $20 a head pools on. Apparently, his perfect bracket to this point would’ve won him up to $10 million on FanHouse.com, one million on Yahoo.com, and $13 million on sportsbook.com. Ouch. Not so smart after all, are you Alex? Also (and this is news to me), you can change your picks on CBSsports.com after the tournament begins, so there is some skepticism out there. But the family insists that they have not touched the picks since they initially filled them out. But I believe them. If they had all planned on changing their autistic son/brothers picks to give him a perfect Sweet 16 just go get the media’s attention, they’re just bad people, like the parents of Falcon Henne. But I doubt that’s the case. If you’re going to cry foul on a feel-good story about an autistic kid who picked a perfect Sweet 16, you have some serious demons to deal with. Have a drink, get laid and relax duder. One article I read online allowed for readers to make comments. This was the first one.

Who cares whether he has been perfect so far when we know he could have made changes after the games were played. Presumably the rest of his bracket is now public and so carved in stone. Let's see how perfect he is from here on. My guess is we won't be hearing any more about this after the next 2 rounds.

Dude, the kid has autism, cut him some slack and take it easy. I found this article interesting, but I’m still not going to follow Alex Hermann’s bracket for the rest of the tourney. I’m going to drink beers, eat wings and complain about how Scottie Reynolds and Sherron Collins fucked me.

So Alex Hermann, you’re cool in my book. I hope you start reading NC, maybe drop some knowledge on all of us. And although I doubt Purdue and Tennessee will make the Final Four, what the fuck do I know? I had Temple in the Sweet 16. Now, someone contact ESPN and get them to replace Doug Gottlieb with this dude. Alex Hermann and Hubert Davis would make a great in-studio duo.

Bikini Babe

I know most of our readers are dudes, so for your enjoyment, please take a look at these pictures of Kim Kardashian in a bikini. One day Kim Kardashian will prove me wrong and actually do something talented because being good looking doesn't last forever. But who knows her ugly sister is famous and she's neither talented or good looking. Anyway, rumor has it Kim is back on the market, again! I'm about to swoop in and make my move. Apparently Kim is a huge NC fan so I think I have a pretty good chance. Oh wait, I'm white, nevermind.

Top 5 Things You Do When Your Drunk And Regret Sober

5. Spend too much money-Before you got drunk you promised yourself you'd only spend 60 bucks that night, but after 4 trips to the ATM and buying 15 Irish car bombs for all your friends, your bank account is about as low your balls on hot a summer day. If you're in college you usually can get away with only spending 20 dollars on an entire weekend but that's because there's usually sick deals at your local bars, or you just go to school in a really poor area. However, for those who live in major cities, you tend to burn a hole in you wallet when you go out, even if you don't want to. You might've been able to limit your spending if you weren't buying drinks for that girl all night, oh well.

4. Steal something-This is a classic thing you do when you're drunk. It's pretty weird but for some reason alcohol turns everyone into kleptomaniacs. I'm not talking about stealing money, or iPods from peoples rooms or apartments (although that does happen), I'm talking about stealing public property. Road signs, street signs, banners, basically anything you think will look "so sick" in your room. Obviously, when you wake up in the morning it looks like you were trying to cultivate a garden from all the dirt you tracked in by stealing that street sign that "took forever to dig out". But whatever, "Crush Street" is a sick sign to have, you only regret it when the cops come knocking on your door.

3. Drunk dial/text-There's just something about calling or texting our old hook ups at 3 in the morning that we cannot avoid. Of course they want to hear from you, why else would they respond "What the hell are you doing?" At the time of your drunken conversation you think you're being romantic and charming, it's not until you wake up and see that "I want to sex you up until you cry" text. What the hell does that even mean? Who knows but you inevitably regret it but never apologize for it.

2. Eat an insane amount of food-We all get drunk and we all get hungry, it's like clockwork. If you're trying to diet you can forget about that if you're getting shitfaced. Why is that the only places that are 24/7 serve the most fattening, calorie filled, delicious foods? Although the food is awful for you, that's the last thing on your mind when your getting ready to polish off your 3rd breakfast burrito from Qdoba. The next morning though not only is your head throbbing and your mouth is completely dry but your stomach feels like Lemmiwinks is living in there. You forgot that after you ate the 3rd burrito you also got a full bag of Doritos, but the orange cheese powder all over your bed sheets reminds you of your complete level of slobness. You spend the majority of your day sitting on a toilet. You regret eating all that food, but that still doesn't stop you from doing it every weekend.

1. Hook up with someone-This is the most popular incident people always regret. Give me a break though. I don't care how drunk you were, you know that girl had braces and was fatter than you. You know when someone says "I was blacked out, I don't even remember." I don't buy it, when you blackout you usually fall asleep and piss your pants. You may have been browning out but that only means you forget if you busted in or on the girl, not the entire sex experience. I personally have never regretted hooking up with a chick, but then again, I've never contracted herpes and I only hook up with smoke shows (for the most part). Anyway, for those of you who had those regrettable hook ups just realize it's usually because the hook up sucked, not because the chick was ugly as sin, reeked of feet and is your coworker.

Song of the Day

So this SOTD really isn't anything new as it's been all over the place the last few weeks, but I have to admit, it's my favorite Ke$ha song. I know Ke$ha can create some solid jams but I'm unsure if she's attractive or not. She is Lady Gaga Jr. in terms of her whole style, and song lyrics, but is she unattractive like Lady Gaga? Aside from her strange face paint and crazy bracelets and necklaces, I think Ke$ha looks pretty good in the picture to the right, but see that's all been airbrushed and what not. Today, when I saw these pictures of her in a one piece bathing suit I thought she looked decent. In some of these pictures she doesn't look too good, but she doesn't look unattractive. Plus she's wearing a one piece, that always hurts in attractive ratings. Get with it Ke$ha, rock a bikini not some strange fashion forward one piece, but keep coming up with jams.

Prison Break, But Backwards

In some recent news there's a story that's making its rounds on the news outlets as I guess the "dumb ass of the day" segment. In Florida, some dude named Slyvester Jiles got sentenced to 15 years in prison due to the fact that he tried to break into prison. Yes, that's right, the guy wasn't trying to escape from prison, he was trying to escape from the real world. The ultimate question is obviously, why? Well according to police reports my man Slyvester had previously been sentenced to 8 years of probation after being convicted of manslaughter. For most they would consider this a victory. There's no jail time involved even though you pretty much murdered someone. Yeah, I was never quite sure the difference between murder and manslaughter, I only know that one is viewed as a lesser offense.

Anyway, Sly apparently wanted a tougher sentence due to the fact that he feared retaliation from the family of the victim that he slaughtered? Is that the proper term to use after you commit manslaughter? Again, I have no idea. If this dude was really that fearful of his life though, I want to meet the family members of his victims. They must be some scary people if he opted to try and break into prison. I mean, I've seen all those Locked Up shows on National Geographic, a daily life in prison consists of getting butt raped, stabbed and living in a room that's 4 x 12, I don't think it'd be worth it to try and purposely get into prison. Was Jiles just trying to reenact The Rock?

I mean, if he really wanted to go to prison he could've just robbed a convenience store and purposely got caught instead of trying to climb a barb wired laced fence. What was his whole plan if he actually did sneak into prison? It's not like the guards wouldn't have noticed that there was some new dude in the jail, not dressed in proper prison attire. What an idiot. If I was fearful of my life, I would just move elsewhere, prison would be my last option. Well slick ol' Sly is now in prison, most likely getting butt raped. Fun.

Rule of Three

When late 80’s-early 90’s television “star” Andrew Koenig, better know as Boner Stabone died a few weeks back, I was obviously upset. It was a terrible tragedy. But I also gave an explicit warning in my memorial post for Boner. Unfortunately, there is a urban legend surrounding celebrity deaths that they always happen in threes. The Rule of Threes. And not just three random deaths, but apparently all three are connected. Maybe they were in a movie together, maybe they had similar careers, maybe the actually did die together; whatever the reason, it's just one of those things that doesn’t actually have any concrete evidence, but people still believe it. It’s like religion.

So when Boner Stabone died on February 25th , I put out a warning to a pair of fellow late 80’s-early 90’s sitcom recurring characters. However, my prediction of Steve Hale from Full House and Cody Lambert from Step By Step was completely wrong. Neither of those dudes bit the dust. And if they had, it probably would not have moved the Hollywood gossip needle too much. Instead, a bigger fish from that time period went down. I’m talking of course about Corey Haim. The death of a child star of Haim's stature made me seriously have to rethink the trifecta that would be involved in this Rule of Three scenario. It’s not just going to be fellow mildly-popular sitcom character actors, this scale is obviously increasing in terms of fame. So Boner Stabone went down, followed by Corey Haim; the third member of this Rule of Three is going to be someone who enjoyed even more fame during the late 80’s and early 90’s than Haim, but who also flamed out shortly there after. It’s a tough thing to try and predict, but I’ve got a few options here to cover my bases. Let’s try and play the odds for who’s going to go next.


Corey Feldman: The obvious choice. I’m pretty sure there was a death-pool over which Corey would go first, Haim or Feldman. Obviously if you had Haim, you won. But while they shared the screen a few times during their heydays, I’d have to give Feldman the edge in terms of fame and recognizability, this filling the scaling fame Rule of Three theory. To be honest, this dude probably did more drugs and booze than Haim, so his death is probably imminent. Odds: 1-5


Steve Urkel: Although a television star (which you would think would put him lower on the fame scale than a star of the silver screen like Haim) his pop-culture legacy and status is way greater than anything Haim ever did. But where has Jaleel White been lately? Has he permanently transformed into his alter-ego Stefan Urquelle? Either way, it’s not surprising this guys fame was relatively short-lived. People don’t want to see dorky black guys in suspenders; they want to see them throwing down dunks or in dance crews. Nobody raps about their chemistry homework. So look out Jaleel, you could be next. Odds: 3-2


Vanilla Ice: Who better represents the meteoric rise to brief fame that was apparently wildly available in the early 90's than Vanilla Ice aka Rob Van Winkle. Dudes album "To the Extreme" went 7x multi-platinum. But he fell off the earth completely after that. Yeah he appears in a "Celeb-reality" or "where are they now show" trying to push his new albums, but let's be real, no one cares. He's definitely in a bad place right now, both financially and emotionally. He's 42, covered in tattoos, and only relevant because every year someone lip syncs "Ice,Ice Baby" at a high school talent show. We all know the words, but it's the same old sad song for Mr. Van Winkle. Odds: 3-2

Jean Claude Van Damme: Ahhhh, the muscles from Brussels. Van Damme broke out in 1988 with the hit film "Bloodsport," which I personally think is one of the finest "sports" films of all time. And the 1988 breakout and level of fame achieved make him a pretty perfect third in our Rule of Three . But like so many mega stars of that era, Van Damme went down the wrong path, and struggled with a cocaine addiction. If we've learned anything from the WWF, er WWE, muscly dudes on steroids, cocaine and physical activity usually lead to death. And while Van Damme isn't making any movies, he's probably doing something physical. Odds: 7-5

Mark Paul Gosselar: Again, another television star, but this guy is a pop culture icon. I mean, he was Zack fucking Morris on Saved by the Bell, one of the most classic shows of all time. And while he has worked here and there (NYPD Blue, Raising the Bar) since his days at Bayside High ended, he's failed to reach the level of fame he had from 1989-1993. He's even gone as far as to cling to his famous alter ego in a recent television appearance. And with Mario Lopez, aka AC Slater hosting every borderline homo-erotic show on television, Mark has got to be dabbling in drugs, alcohol and hookers. But seeing as that he looked great in that clip on Jimmy Fallon, I've got to set the odds low. Odds: 30-1


Bo Jackson: Why not an iconic athlete from the lat 80's-early 90's? Bo Jackson was the best two sport athlete of all time. I won't go into his athletic exploits, other than to say legend has it he ran the fastest time ever at the NFL combine in the 40 yard dash, at 4.12. I probably can't run 20 yards that fast. But he achieved a level of fame reserved for only the finest athletes with Nike's Bo Knows commercials. But while the chances of Bo still being depressed about his football career ending hip injury, and severely raising the chances of him being addicted to pain killers. I just don't see it happening. Bo Knows survival. Odds: 50-1

OJ Simpson: We can only hope. But I have a feeling this guy is never going to die.

Let me know your thoughts. Who's next to go?

Gimme Your Tots

If there's one food I loved as a little kid and have actually gotten away from eating, it's tater tots. How good are tots! I don't know what happened, but tater tots haven't been apart of my diet for quite some time. I think it's a maturity thing. When I was little and I would eat lunch at school, I'm pretty sure tater tots were always served as a side. Eating chicken nuggets with a side of tots was like eating filet mignon with a baked potato. I think that the funniest scene in Napoleon Dynamite is when he is carrying the tots around in his pocket. Yesterday though, while raging on a rooftop (obvs), my buddy ordered a plate full of tater tots. First off, any restaurant that has tater tots on their menu is automatically one of my favs, I'm looking at you Sonic.

But anyway, when the waiter brought out the tots I don't think I've ever seen a food get housed that quick. It was like everyone was piranha, a drunk piranha, who hadn't eaten in a week. I think I could eat 100 tater tots and not even feel a little full. They're like the Tic Tac's of the french fry family due to their size, not because of their ability to make your breath smell better. Although I'm sure tater tot breath is just as appealing to a girl as minty fresh breath. If I could eat tater tots for every meal I would, I mean, I guess I could since I'm a sort of an adult but my guess is tater tots aren't really what most would consider a "healthy food." You know what, not eating tots everyday just makes me appreciate them more, similar to the way I appreciate the Summer and getting blowjobs while watching ESPN. I'm really hungry now, I might have to go cook up some tots.

Also, in an unrelated note, how big of mutants were some of the players on Northern Iowa? Some of those dudes looked like they could have played the role of Quasimodo in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Rooftop Raging

What's up everybody, I hope you had a fun weekend, I know I sure did. Pretty wild stuff this weekend in terms of the hoops tourney. Most people's brackets are shot to shit, but not mine. I'm actually in first in my pool and will most likely win it. So the weather has been pretty unreal these past few days here in the Northeast. I actually went to the beach on Saturday, not so much to swim in the water but just to say "I went to the beach today" when I talked to people.

So with this nice weather in NY, everyone was taking advantage of it. The biggest thing people love doing is partying on rooftops. I don't know what it is about rooftops, but if there's one place people like to rage when the sun is out and the temperature is warm, it's a roof. There's just something about being a bunch of stories up in the sky and getting drunk. It's like the ground is just too boring for everyone. I'll tell you one thing, on the ground you can't fall to your death. You guys know what I'm talking about. There's always those stories of drunk people falling off their balconies or roofs in front of all their friends. Talk about a major buzzkill. I'm sure those parties were a ton of fun until Mark had to go ahead and fall to his death. He was always the clumsy one.

Anyway, I personally love rooftop bars. One of my favorite experiences at a rooftop bar was when I went to Ghostbar at the Palms, but only because there were a ton of D-List celebrities there. And if there's one thing I love, it's D-List celebrities. But seriously rooftop bars are great because they kill two birds with one stone. There's a roof, and there is tons of booze at your disposal. Count me in whenever that's the case. Plus, when your on a roof that's not too high up, is there anything better than heckling pedestrians walking by? It's really not a smart thing to do since anyone can just come in the bar and confront you but for some reason you just think "I'm 3 stories up, not a chance will this juicehead come up here and fight me." And usually that thought process is spot on. I guess climbing 3 flights of stairs isn't worth it for someone when you call them a pussy who needs to use Proactiv. Maybe I'll see you some of you readers on a rooftop soon.

Song of the Day

My friend who is responsible for many of the SOTDs sent me this today. So big shout out to Big Silk for this song. I am a big Office fan so I really like this song. Check it out!

"I swear, it's not mine"

Its pretty obvious to anyone who reads this site regularly that Tom and I both have an infatuation with, and a unique level of knowledge about porn. Porn is great; it's a way to appease your hornyness without actually going out and getting laid. And nowadays porn is everywhere. I'd say 90% of the time I use my laptop some form of pornography is involved. Half the shows I watch on TV now could be viewed as a form of soft-core porn. Porn is a magical, widely available source of happiness.

But that wasn't always the case. Porn wasn't always so accessible to the masses. Only a few years ago, awesome sites like Brazzers.com and Bangbros.com were relatively few and far between. And not that long ago, most people my age didn't all have their own laptops. My laptop has a password on it, and really I'm the only person who ever uses it. Yeah, occasionally someone will ask to use it, go to type in "Youtube.com" only to have "Youjizz.com" populate in the address bar, but for the most part, I don't get caught with porn. But before college, while I was living at home, I was stuck with the good ole' family computer. And it was a risky move to try and scope some porn on the same computer your dad uses to do his taxes, and your little brother uses to do his spelling homework. There's just a moral dilemma there. So not so long ago, the source of most of my pornography was the good old VHS tape. Yes that's right, the VHS tape. They don't even make those anymore, but back in the day, I'd get my hands on an 8-hour tape loaded with old-school, big hair, bad story-lines, dudes with moustaches porn. But the unfortunate part of the retro VHS tape was that, unlike the internet, is hard evidence that can be discovered. You would have to hide it. And of course, just actually hiding it, in your sock drawer wherever, wasn't clever enough. For some reason we always hide them in the box of another tape. So of course, that one time your mom wanted to watch "Dazzling Dunks and Basketball Bloopers" she ended up coming across your "Tia Bella: Nasty A I Wanna Be" video.

And the first time your mother caught you with porn had the same ending as every guys did. It's really not that big of a deal, every mother is going to find her 14 year old sons porn at one point or another, but for some reason all mom's focus on the same point. One of those I'm not upset, I'm disappointed lines. "That's not what sex is really like." Apparently, when porn hit the market, mothers across the world got together and decided "we'll just tell them that's not what sex is really like." Although I appreciate the effort and the understanding ma, even when you're 13 you know that's not what sex is like. This wasn't going to discourage you from watching porn. You know that a hot blonde auto-mechanic fucking you in the middle of changing a tire for and hour is what sex is really like. That's why porn is so popular; because you wouldn't want to watch yourself pound your girlfriend missionary style. You want to watch some dude stand-up 69 a chick, and absolutely crush her. No shit that's not what sex is really like.

But every guy had the same response to their mother finding their porn stash. Every group of friends or acquaintances had that one guy, the one sketchy dude parents didn't like, who was blamed for it every time your parents found porn, booze, cigarettes or weed. "It's not mine mom, I'm holding onto it for Johnny," was the classic move. Take the kid who was already out of favor with the parents, and throw him under the bus. Most of those friendships don't work out. That kid usually fulfills his destiny as a degenerate, and gets arrested for drugs or weapons possession. He goes away to some "military school" and is never heard from again. You look him up on facebook.com, but he doesn't have a profile, leading you to assume he's a) dead, or b) totally out of his mind. Oh man, Johnny was crazy.

Anyway, as it is with most things, it's just easier for the American-male-youth to stash a serious collection of pornography. I'm pretty sure little kid's bring laptops to pre-school now, so all you have to do is make sure your parents won't crack your "gmenrule27" password and you're good to go. But do I long for the days of VHS tapes and the thrill of possibly being caught at any point? Not at all. I love internet porn. So while I am known to get nostalgic about my youth, this is one development I give the big thumbs up. I think if I'd had the porn library I have available now during my formative years, I'd probably be a much different person. Dig it.

Song of the Day

You remember Cypress Hill? They had that song back in '93, Insane In The Brain which at the time was awesome, but now it's just terrible. Anyway, they're back! With Marc Anthony nonetheless! Lots of this song is in Spanish, which I usually dislike but it samples a Crosby, Stills & Nash jam. Gotta dig it.

Video

Someone sent me this video today and I think it's pretty funny. It's short which is always a plus when it comes to Youtube videos. If you haven't already seen this, check it out.

Spring Ahead

Holy butt terds it's nice out. I don't want to jinx anything, because I know it's still March and it can still snow here in the Northeast, but I'm starting to rock short sleeve shirts outside, sans coat. It's starting to look like it's that time when girls rock their sundresses, put on their insanely huge designer shades and become nothing but eye candy for us bros. I love Spring, but then again, who doesn't? I know alot of our readers come from all over the U.S., and the weather may not be that nice where you live, but if you live in the tri-state area, you're getting fired up like I am. Spring is the time gorgeous girls come out of the woodwork, and life is injected back into all the trees and plants. What a great time of the year. March Madness is underway, the Masters is coming up and day drinking can take place outside yet again.

There's plenty of reasons to be stoked that Spring is starting, but as I've mentioned the main reason dudes are excited is because girls start rocking sundresses. Is there anything better than this? You put your shades on, head outside and start girl watching. You can tell what girls have cankles, which girls need to shave their legs and of course, which girls have legs that just keep on going. Aside from checking out the bottom half of a girl, the top half of the girl is just as important, if not more. Girls have been wearing sweatshirts, long sleeve shirts and shawls for the past few months, it's about time you can check out some cleavage. Now, girls like to act like they're bothered by dudes staring at their tits, but their not. I don't care what a girl says, they love dudes checking them out. If they were truly bothered by dudes staring at their tits they wouldn't wear a strapless bar 2 sizes too small for their boobs. Ugly girls even get checked out, it's a great time had by all. I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go work on my base tan. Boom.

Video

This is a great video, because it actually happened. Who cares that a teacher called a kid a loser, chances are this girl deserved it. People are becoming such big pussies these days when it comes to hurting any child's feelings. There's this huge movement taking place in our society that essentially is making kids bigger pussies. There's people out there who think it's okay to give trophies to everyone, even if a kid came in last, that way, no one gets upset or feels like they didn't accomplish anything. This girl needs to stop being a loser and get her life on track. I'm sure this teacher was just trying to help. Props to the teacher.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

A Day To Booze

So today is St. Patrick's Day, the day everyone likes to pretend they're Irish. Everyone wears green, crushes Irish car bombs, and gets absolutely hammered. Some people opt to eat corn beef and cabbage, which I think has a similar nutritional value to a rock. Corn beef tastes like ham, it's just a bit gamier and as for cabbage, although it smells awful it really tastes like nothing. Anyway, I think it's pretty wild that there's an entire day devoted to basically celebrating Irish heritage. Seriously, there's no other day in the U.S. that celebrates some other nationality. In cities and towns all across America there's parades, bar specials and parties for this day. This doesn't happen for all those other holidays like Cinco de Mayo or Chicken Parm Saturday (for Italians). Chicken Parm Saturday exists, I'm serious, ask your guido friends.

St. Patty's Day is huge though because everyone can get hammered. I mean, no other country is known for being notoriously alcoholic like Ireland. Now, because of this infamous reputation a lot of people in America love to talk about their irish heritage when St. Patty's day rolls around or just when they drink a lot. I get a little annoyed when people do this. You see, I don't like associating myself with any other nationality that isn't American. I understand that some of my ancestors are from Ireland, but I'm so far removed from them that I like to strictly think of myself as American (plus it's more bad ass). So it kinda pisses me of when some kid goes "Dude, I need at least 20 shots to get me drunk, I mean, I am Irish." No you're not dude, you're great, great, great, great grandfather was Irish, you're just a freckled faced booze bag. The only time I'm not bothered by someone associating themselves with a nationality is if one of their grandparents, or parents was born in the particular country they always boast about, unless of course your Mexican; because if that's the case, please learn English and stop wearing cowboy hats/boots around when you live in the Northeast. Anyway, I hope all of your are getting drunk today, whether you skipped work, didn't go to class or plan on partying late night, I'm sure you'll have a blast.

Filet-O-Fish Rebuttal

I decided to take a few days to really stew this over in my head. My main man Tom wrote a post the other day that really cut me to the core. I’m talking of course about that incriminating piece on the extremely delicious Filet-o-Fish from McDonalds. Apparently this is a pretty polarizing sandwich; some people hate it, some people love it. But I feel like most of the hatred is completely unwarranted. I am one of those people who love the Filet-o-Fish, aka the FOF. Why do I love it so much you may ask? Let me explain

As most of our loyal readers know, I’m pretty nostalgic, and yearn for the simpler days of my childhood when money wasn’t an issue and my mom did all my laundry. And what was a staple of those lost days? Fish sticks. Delicious, flaky, crispy fish sticks, straight out of your freezer. They were one of those, “I’ve got 4 kids, a mani-pedi at 5, and have to pick up my dry cleaning before it closes at 7. What can I make my dumb children for dinner? I know, fish sticks that take 7 minutes in the oven,” moves that most normal, hard-working moms had to turn to every once in a while. And in my family, no one complained. Tom said he would rather eat microwavable fish sticks than a FOF? They’re the same thing. If you like crappy frozen fish sticks, you’ll love the FOF. All McDonalds did was take that ever so tasty dinner from when you were 5 and slap it on a toasty, buttery bun.

That combo would be good by itself, but this ain’t Mickey D’s first rodeo. They know how to please their customers. So what else did they put on the FOF? A hearty serving of tangy tartar sauce. And while people may be split 50-50 on their opinions about the FOF, I’d say most people find tartar sauce to be awesome. So when McDonalds needs something to cut the crispy, flaky, greasy taste of that wonderful fish, they lather that bad-boy up in tartar sauce. And the curveball? A perfectly placed slice of cheddar cheese, just to cap off the entire sandwich. That’s it; just three ingredients on a warm bun. Simple concept, complex flavors.

And while I respect all opinions on food, I have to disagree that anyone would think the FOF was a cheeseburger in a blind taste test, as Tom claimed. That would just be weird if you mixed that up. If the FOF tasted like a cheeseburger, I would just order a cheeseburger. You say a FOF should taste like a fish Tom? I disagree. A FOF should taste like a fish-stick, not an actually fish. You’re not eating at a fancy seafood restaurant by Chef Eric Ripert; you’re eating at McDonalds, courtesy of Chef Jose. So take the silver spoon out of your mouth and replace it with that golden, wonderful fish square.

In closing, I think the majority of the people in this world say they don’t like the Filet-o-Fish simply because they think they won’t like it. They’ve never even tried it. I’ll admit it, the first time I got it was because one of my buddies said “you won’t get the Filet-o-fish…” Not being able to say no to a challenge, I did get it, and it changed my life. People piss and moan about how “getting fish at McDonalds is gross, you’ll get sick.” Dudes, this is McDonalds, they serve 47 million people everyday. You feel like shit regardless of what you eat but they’re not going to serve you something that will kill you. It’s probably not even real fish, just a collection of germ-free fish substitute that tastes awesome. It’s not healthy by any means, but you have the same chance of getting dysentery from the Big Mac as you do the FOF. And you can’t tell me the McNuggets are any less gross of a concept than the FOF. I’ve never seen a part of a chicken shaped like a boot, have you? So if you haven’t ever had the Filet-o-Fish, do yourself a favor and try it next time you hit up Mickey D’s. Don’t take Tom’s word for it; he’s just part of a smear campaign. And the only thing on I want smeared on my FOF is some tartar sauce. Dig it.

Lucky #2

There's a lot of scenarios that can happen in one's lifetime that most people would consider unlucky. One scenario that I have fortunately never experienced is having a bird poop on me. I'm sure many of you have heard people say that if a bird poops on you, it's considered good luck. I really don't think this makes sense. In fact, I really don't like when people say something like this. A bird pooping on you is just a "wrong place, wrong time" incident. In no way does a bird dropping a deuce on your head mean your going to be winning the lottery. If a bird happened to shit in your mouth, and someone said "Oh, dude it's good luck!" wouldn't you be a little annoyed? In what way does a disease filled, white dump in your mouth mean good luck? The only thing a bird terd in your mouth means is you will be making a trip to the doctor because chances are you're going to be sick.

When people say that it's good luck, they're just trying to be nice. To be honest I'd rather have my buddies just rip into me then try to sugarcoat some disgusting event. This is just like when it rains on someone's wedding and people say that it's good luck. Nope, it's not. The U.S. divorce rate is 50 percent. Do you think that the majority of couples that aren't divorced had rain at their weddings? Doubt it. Look, a bird taking a #2 on you is nothing but a misfortunate and yet, hilarious incident. The next time a bird poops on your friend obviously make fun of them, but then let them know that it could be worse.

Song of the Day

This song is okay, you have to listen to it a few times so it can grow on you. I can see some cool remix being made from this song. Until that happens though, I'll keep listening to it until I start liking it.

Better Watch Your Peephole In Prison

As I mentioned in my previous post, there has been some hot topics in the news that we here at NC have talked about before. One story that probably went under the radar was that Michael Barrett, the dude who videotaped Erin Andrews in the infamous peephole internet video was sentenced to 2.5 years in prison. It's no secret that I absolutely love Erin Andrews, so when this video first surfaced on the internet I had some mixed emotions. Of course I wanted to see the video, and once I finally did, I was unsure if I should've been more creeped out than turned on. I mean, yeah she was naked, but hearing Barrett breathe while he was filming it through those specifically drilled peepholes just creeped the shit out of me. It was like I was at a strip club and one of the hotter strippers had a C-section scar.

You'd think that Michael Barrett would have been the kind of guy who lives in his parents basement, wears sweatpants all day and works the nightshift at your local gas station. But Barrett is actually a divorced insurance executive who has children and lives in the suburbs of Chicago. I guess perverts come from diverse backgrounds. I should've known this after watching so many "To Catch A Predator" episodes. Erin Andrews said that she's not happy with the sentence he got, suggesting that he should've received a longer sentence. What's crazy is that there are apparently 7 other videos of Andrews that this guy filmed as well as a bunch of other videos of random women he videotaped using the same peephole tactic.

What an absolute weirdo. Hasn't he ever heard of RedTube or YouPorn? I don't get what made this guy put the videos on the internet, did he think they wouldn't be able to trace it back to him? Regardless of his reasoning this dude is forever fucked. He should start wearing sweatpants everyday once he gets out of jail and then start applying as a cashier at his local gas station since that's the only job he's going to be able to get. I guess we've all learned something from this story, don't be a psycho/creep/pervert who videotapes women unsuspectingly and of course, don't fuck with Erin Andrews.

Bracket Busters

There's a bunch of hot topics in the news yesterday and today. Obviously, the biggest being Tiger Woods. I'm not going to write about that though, I'm sure every news outlet will have their own opinions on this issue and will over cover it until you're sick of it. There's only so many Tom Rinaldi voiceover montages I can take about Tiger. Stop using words like majestic, magical and whispering fairways. Fucking Tom Rinaldi, fix your teeth. Honestly though, I'd rather see news about Tiger than listen to the nonstop coverage of the NCAA bracket. I don't understand why they need "experts" in the world of bracketology. No one is a fucking expert when it comes to NCAA brackets. Do you know how many different combinations there can be for the brackets? 18,446,744,073,709,551,616. I don't even know what number that is. 18 zillion? Seriously, when there is that many different ways to fill out a bracket, how the fuck can you call someone an expert?

Last night on ESPNU they had nonstop "expert" bracket coverage. ESPN really botched this. Seriously, they could've filmed myself, Spaniard and a few our friends sitting on a couch talking about our picks. It would've essentially be the same exact thing. Don't get me wrong, I love March Madness. I think it's the greatest tournament that exists. Of course the NCAA wants to go ahead and fuck it up by making it a field of 96. Yeah, that would be more retarded than Tugg Speedman in Simple Jack.

If there's one thing I love about March Madness aside from the upsets and the awesome games I'm able to watch it has to be how everyone has the best bracket. You all know what I'm talking about. You tell your buddies who you have going to the Final Four and they all look at your like you're retarded. "Dude, Ohio State is not going to beat Kansas! And Kentucky? They're going down in the Sweet 16, your bracket sucks." Oh, it sucks? Really penis breath? Sorry my ability to guess and predict the future doesn't line up with your outstanding ability, I forgot you're like the next David Blaine. The truth is, everyone's picks suck. Even the person who wins your pool had bad picks. He doesn't follow college basketball and had his girlfriend fill the bracket out for him. It's just the way it goes. Well everyone's picks suck except for mine of course, I got the 'Cats from Kentucky winning it all. The John Wall dance won me over.

You Can Have Your Filet-O-Fish Back

If you haven't noticed lately there's been a bunch of commercials for McDonald's rather less famous sandwich, the Filet-O-Fish. Or as I simply call them, FOFs. The reason for this is because of Lent. Since Catholics aren't supposed to eat meat on Friday during Lent, McDonald's sells these bad boys at a discount (2 for $3). FOFs are like the Jim Rome of the fast food world, you either hate them, or love them. I personally dislike FOFS (but love Jim Rome). I've eaten FOFs only once in my life, 3 years ago in fact. Myself and a buddy of mine, a fellow Catholic, decided to be good to God, but awful to our bodies by swinging by the super nice Broad Ripple McDonald's (which has live music in it) and picking ourselves up some FOFs. Now, I'm not a good Catholic, or a religious person by any means but every once in awhile I like to act like I am, it tricks people into thinking I have morals/ethics/soul. Anyway, I ate two FOFs and I have to admit, if I was doing a blind taste test, I would've said I was eating a cheeseburger. That's not a good thing. They taste nothing like fish, and the fact that they taste like a cheeseburger makes them straight up gross.

I'd rather eat microwavable fish sticks than a FOF. Anything from McDonald's is bad for you, fish may seem like a healthy alternative but it's about as healthy as getting a blowjob from a girl with an open cold sore. When chain restaurants sell fish, most people tend to stay away from these items. There's some sort of social stigma with fish that no other animal on the food chain really has to deal with. Have you ever realized people don't like fish when it tastes too fishy? Well I'd rather eat something that tastes too fishy than something that tastes like an entirely different animal. A FOF should taste like fish, not a cheeseburger. Let's not forget there's tartar sauce on a FOF. We've all seen those TV shows "Caught On Camera" so you can use your imagination for what's in the sauce. I do know one person who loves FOFs. That person is Spaniard. I expect a rebuttal post by him. That's it, boom.